Been a while, i know....been busy with relatives visiting over Thanksgiving....helping my Mom out....(elderly)...etc.
Just caught up on KAW....GREAT updates on his sitch! He's one strong, wise man.
My sitch has taken a turn this past Monday. I was out of town helping my Mom in her home for the week-end....talking with H each day, idle chatter, catching up on the homefront...etc. He would end each call with"take care"...blah, he cannot say ILY....tho he does on a daily basis with our kids.
So in my heart, I feel that we still have a long ways to go. Of course I don't say it either....but the few times we have said it to each other this past fall....I am the first to initiate it. I'm done with that!
Then....this is where our R got ugly....he picked me up at the airport Mon night....late flight. I walked outside with my bags where he was parked....he gets out of the car and starts yelling at me..."why didn't you answer your cell?" "I've called 4 times, you knew I would want to touch base....blah , blah, blah..." I was shocked! Stunned, actually. I threw my bags in the car....and said, "I did have my cell on the entire time....must not have had reception in baggage claim....I had no idea" He didin't buy it. He said he always has reception.....that I was a poor commmunicator....that is always our problem.
I mean he was a monster....I did not deserve that....
So on the way home...I proceeded to tell him.....sarcastically...."F-me...for NOT holding the cell in my hand full time....while waiting for the bags. What could I be thinking?" F-me for NOT thinking the way he thinks....that we must be 2 different people....go figure.
We were silent the enitre ride home. I have been cool for 2 days.....just basic info to get through the day....logistics. No physical contact, what-so-ever. D22, at home...has no idea. We are just being polite.
This am, while he made comments about how bad things are at work for him.....he is really miserable with all the politics and changes....almost want to walk away from it all. I validated, and said.."he was putting up with a lot of sh....that they are really putting him through it right now...and I can see how he wants to throw in the towel. He also said...".makes me think about our sitch Monday night....and if we are back to square one. Back to where we were a year ago." I decided NOT to react to that comment, for fear of saying something I might regret. But in my heart, I have been wondering myself. I have been wondering about my R with H as of late....I deserve much more respect...to think he can talk/yell at me like that.....unforgiveable!!! No one has the right to behave that way toward me. Do I really want H in my life....does he even really love me? I have been working so hard...and we have progressed in many ways....but JEEZ....I am still so dissatisfied with the min-moderate committment from H. He is not trying hard enough, IMHO. I want more....more in a R.....I deserve more. He has never, yet, fully apologized for his past behaviour. What's that about? Some of yo folks here on BB, said it may take months or years...
Right now I want to drop the rope. To give up.....to say things directly. To confront. I know that in the past...tho....I overreaact...say things I later regret. I know I'm going on and on here....sorry. Journalling here might help me sort this out.
We have a family vac planned for a week at X-mas in the Caribbean.....
I'm just totally frustrated....holding tons in.....and trying to figure out what to do with it all. Time to go back to the books for guidance, I guess.
