Great job!! It's so great that your H's actions are speaking volumes. I wonder if his not bringing up xOW/bomb apologizes are due to the fact that he just wants to move forward and forget that chapter of your lives? Some people have a much harder time than others apologizing.
I am so glad to see you spending quality time with your H, that will surely strengthen your bond!
I'm BACKKKKKK!!!!! Happy to say in pretty good shape with H. We had a great time....touring around....trains, ferries, planes....tons of walking...good food/drink and quality time, often just hanging in a park and listening to music or people watching.
We both agreed that it was a great vacation, much needed...and both trying to rebuild and heal.
HOWEVER.....we had one big arguement....2 nights before coming home....and guess who caused it???? That would be the dumb ole MOOKA! All along, tho things were going very well....just occaisional miscommunications, that were solved easily/quickly...we had lots of fun...warmth...ML , cuddling....etc. But inside...I was wanting more...more...more. I wanted an ILY...but wouldn't go there first. I wanted him to bring up the old stuff and apologize...but wouldn't ask. I churned and wanted more.....rather than just appreciating what was working, that we were healing....and SLOWLY building trust. Every step of the way I have to remind myself to just "friggin" enjoy what is going well. Geez...so after afew glasses of wine...I pressed him some about the past. I thought I was being sweet and gentle....but WHOA...did that push Hs buttons. He got sooo defensive....and of course pushed back. Said....he thought we were both making such a good effort, trying hard to make the M work...and I have to bring this all up now. Of course, I wasn't in good form...said more than I should of....it was like a huge wall/mountain grew immediately. Neither of us slept that night....I finally "validated" many of his points....appologized for bad timing....he appreciated that...then finally he also appologized for his unkind words and temper. We just politely backed off. The next morning we each worked out separately, had breakfast together....walked all day...visited museums....were polite and walking on eggshells. It was not fun.
That evening we chilled our last bottle of champagne that we'd carted around....had a toast to healing from the bruises and realizing we still had a long ways to go....and that we'd continue to try to make this M work....actually those were his words. Man, I thanked God for intervening....there....cuz I was big-time worried.
H was not as affectionate that day or night....but slowly coming around. I think Jackie mentioned in a post to Nik, about finally adjusting our attitude to appreciate what we have RIGHT now....the goodness....the small steps that are pos. in the R....and STOP trying to want more too quickly and in the end setting ourselves back. I think I am finally making that shift not only in my head, but in my gut.
At home, H told our kids how happy he was on our vac, what a great time we had, etc. We are healing over that last blowout....but neither of us want that to happen again.
We are now planning things for the next few months....wedding back east, my B-day...a get away....a day visiting our son in college....friends/relatives visiting, thanksgiving, and even a vac around X-mas. So.....DUH, isn't it about time Mooka starts enjoying this ride.....and letting the past rest until we are healed much more....which may take a year or 2.... The reality is, that our R and M eroded over the last 4-5 years....just the last 1 1/2 being the most painful.
Sorry this is so long....I really needed to journal, and you are all so safe. Thanks for hanging in there if you've read to this point. And thanks for the continued support during this "piecing" process...God, I am so lucky to be in this position. Cuz I truly do love my H and feel like we have so much potential for growing old together and enjoying the fruits of our lives.
Who knows, I may have the guts one day soon to be the first to say ILY.....I've been holding back.
Quote: I think Jackie mentioned in a post to Nik, about finally adjusting our attitude to appreciate what we have RIGHT now....the goodness....the small steps that are pos. in the R....and STOP trying to want more too quickly and in the end setting ourselves back. I think I am finally making that shift not only in my head, but in my gut.
I am so struggling with this. I won't use up your space but I will write more about this on my thread. Give me your honest opinion. That's one thing that is so great about this bb, I think we are all so honest and helpful here.
I think it's great how you are both planning trips, etc. together. I would love to be able to do that.
Not expecting too much, too soon is such a hard thing to do. Mooka, you are doing a great job!!
Well Mooka ... chock this one onto the "Doesn't work" list:
- Absolutely no R talks after drinking a few glasses of wine.
There always bound to be setbacks in any R. Being with someone is a life long experience in learning how to interact with each other. Its when we stop paying attention to the lessons that crop up that we start to get into trouble. Mooka, you are too good a student of DBing to let that happen now. I take it now I don't have to go over the lessons of the tortoise and the hare.
I'm sure you have heard of sticking the big toe in the water analogy. Well I would say your H has much more that his big toe in the water. I would say he's probably up to his knees. ... but for me I know I have to get above the belly button before I would commit to taking a swim. I get the sense maybe your H be alike in this fashion. So try not to sweat lack of the ILY at this stage and know that when he does finally say those three little words ... he will be committed to every syllable.
The rest of your news is just wonderful to hear and is truly inspirational ... which leads me to ...
I can't express just how much you have helped me over the last two weeks as CAW transitioned to living in her own place. The way you DBed and handled your seperation has been such an inspiraation for me to follow. I only hope that I will be able to handle it as well as you have. I just could wait for you to come back so you would know how so very much you have had a positive impact on getting me thru these last few weeks.
Thank You so very much!!!!! ... (and I mean every syllable)
So much of what you say seems to be a reflection of where I am too.
Quote: But inside...I was wanting more...more...more. I wanted an ILY...but wouldn't go there first. I wanted him to bring up the old stuff and apologize...but wouldn't ask. I churned and wanted more.....rather than just appreciating what was working, that we were healing....and SLOWLY building trust. Every step of the way I have to remind myself to just "friggin" enjoy what is going well.
I'm trying so hard to keep the ole expectation bar low, but just find the darned uneasiness creeping back when I least expect, and therefore totally unprepared for it.
Will be watching your journey with much interest, Mooka. I can learn so much here. Slowly
Thanks so much for the heartfelt responses on my post. It's so cool to have these cyber friendships, with such genuine honesty and true caring.
Nik....and Slowly.....the "patient" thing is obviously, perhaps the most important lesson I am learning here. And growing up I was always described as the "patient one" in the family, work, friends....WOW Not near enough when it really matters in the most important relationship (on earth that is!!)
KAW I loved this comment:
Quote: So try not to sweat lack of the ILY at this stage and know that when he does finally say those three little words ... he will be committed to every syllable.
That really hit the nail on the head. That describes my H....he only does and says what he really means deep inside. He's not about saying/doing things just to make another feel good. (That's why is hurt so deeply when the OW was in the picture ) But you are RIGHT....his behavior is so pos....it's time to just enjoy the ride and take it at it's comfortable, slow and steady speed.
H called last night (out of town, again...) he was fairly cheerful, friendly...slightly warm. WE talked about plans for my B-day in Oct. We're going to our ole stomping ground...out west where we first met, fell in love, college town, got married, had our first child, house, etc. We haven't been there for 16 years! Even might take in the University's football game....which we had season tickets to after we graduated for 4-5 years. He was totally up for that too....and he has 2 free United tickets for us to use.
So, I will take all your advice and try to keep my pace realistic.
Hi Mooka - My birthday is on Oct too, and NG and I are planning to go back and visit friends from 20 years ago too In fact he asked me what I wanted for my bday, and I'm not sure whether to ask, or to let him decide. Hmmm. Slowly
Hey Slowly....what's the date in Oct? Mine's the 13th.
Just need to rant and air some thoughts here on the BB....just when I think things are going smoothly in my life....
2 things....
#1 - I was gone for the long week-end helping out my 81 yr old Mom with her condo, bills, etc. This is something I do periodically since she's been a widow, along with my sis. Anyway....H was out of town last wk Tue-Fri, I left Fri got home last night...H is gone again until tonight. So, after a nice 2 week vac, we've been apart for over a week....which we've done a lot of over the past several yrs. Anyway...H calls about every other day....not every day like he used to. He asks me to call him on the week-end. I do....we are pleasant together, talking superficial, but pleasant. Anyway....last night d picks me up at the airport and proceeds to tell me that she was worried about her dad (H) Sat night....cuz he went into the city and said he'd be home around 8:30pm...he even mentioned to me on the phone Sun morning that he worked and then spent some time with a female colleague (that he's told me lots about over the past year....she's M, 2 kids, lives in Seattle and works for him....comes here often). She is the one he has confided in about "US"....mind you she is NOT the OW from the past. Since he was/is open with me about her....I've been cool, not really felt any jealously, etc. Well, he didn't get home until 11pm (45 min drive from the city)...and our D was really worried. She had left him 2 VM wondering why he hadn't called, etc. She had called me on the west coast, but my cell was out of range....so I knew nothing about all this.
H told me the next day that D wasn't feeling good, but she was doing ok. He did tell me he saw this WF Sat....again, I was cool.
OK, now.....I am starting to freak a little. Trying oh-so-hard not to let my mind go crazy....thinking about the past with OW and alll his vagueness.....his lying by omition kind of stuff.. He gets in late tonight....hasn't talk with me since Sun morning....
ON our talks over the week-end, tho....he did talk about our plan for my B-day....I got the airline tickets...he said "if that's what I want to do...he will make it fun." Not as supportive than prior conversations. We have plans to go see S at his Frat this Sat....plans for a family wedding the following week-end, friends visiting in early Oct.....etc. So....I should let that Sat night incident go...act "as if"????? I am churning inside, but really don't want to bring any of it up. Is that playing games? Can I pretend? He reads me well when something is bugging me. I don't know. I think my C would say, leave it ALONE....be confident....appreciate what IS happening that is good. Look for the pos. It's so easy when deeply hurt....to read too much into stuff. But it really bugs me that he'd spend Sat night (personal time) with WF and not our D.
#2 - My pap came back a few weeks back with the wrong #s. So tomorrow I go in for a more extentive test/scrape....and I'm beginning to let that worry me. I haven't told anyone, cuz I didn't think it was a big deal. Then my Dr called this morning to go over the exam tomorrow....and said that he got lots of bad cells on the pap. He got me worried. He doesn't have the greatest communication skills, tho. So I've got to keep that in check.
My mind is stressed.....I'm not the calm, easy going Mooka I used to be....yes on the exterior.....but not on the inside.
Just needed a place to air out thoughts. Time to check on all of you.
Holy moly Mooka - mine's the 13th too How about that
I totally understand how you feel about WF, but just keep in mind that he is telling you about her. For me, I used to be far more insecure and nervous about WFs before NG's A. Now, I know I'm ok, in a strange way, I've relaxed a lot more. Detached even.
Keeping my fingers crossed the smear retest turns out ok. Slowly
Nevanna is going through similar pap issues as you are... you might want to check out her thread for some input she received from some of us who have travelled this path.
Good luck and keeping you in my prayers!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I take it now I don't have to go over the lessons of the tortoise and the hare. 
) But you are RIGHT....his behavior is so pos....it's time to just enjoy the ride and take it at it's comfortable, slow and steady speed.
How about that