I'm BACKKKKKK!!!!! Happy to say in pretty good shape with H. We had a great time....touring around....trains, ferries, planes....tons of walking...good food/drink and quality time, often just hanging in a park and listening to music or people watching.
We both agreed that it was a great vacation, much needed...and both trying to rebuild and heal.
HOWEVER.....we had one big arguement....2 nights before coming home....and guess who caused it???? That would be the dumb ole MOOKA! All along, tho things were going very well....just occaisional miscommunications, that were solved easily/quickly...we had lots of fun...warmth...ML , cuddling....etc. But inside...I was wanting more...more...more. I wanted an ILY...but wouldn't go there first. I wanted him to bring up the old stuff and apologize...but wouldn't ask. I churned and wanted more.....rather than just appreciating what was working, that we were healing....and SLOWLY building trust. Every step of the way I have to remind myself to just "friggin" enjoy what is going well. Geez...so after afew glasses of wine...I pressed him some about the past. I thought I was being sweet and gentle....but WHOA...did that push Hs buttons. He got sooo defensive....and of course pushed back. Said....he thought we were both making such a good effort, trying hard to make the M work...and I have to bring this all up now. Of course, I wasn't in good form...said more than I should of....it was like a huge wall/mountain grew immediately. Neither of us slept that night....I finally "validated" many of his points....appologized for bad timing....he appreciated that...then finally he also appologized for his unkind words and temper. We just politely backed off. The next morning we each worked out separately, had breakfast together....walked all day...visited museums....were polite and walking on eggshells. It was not fun.
That evening we chilled our last bottle of champagne that we'd carted around....had a toast to healing from the bruises and realizing we still had a long ways to go....and that we'd continue to try to make this M work....actually those were his words. Man, I thanked God for intervening....there....cuz I was big-time worried.
H was not as affectionate that day or night....but slowly coming around. I think Jackie mentioned in a post to Nik, about finally adjusting our attitude to appreciate what we have RIGHT now....the goodness....the small steps that are pos. in the R....and STOP trying to want more too quickly and in the end setting ourselves back. I think I am finally making that shift not only in my head, but in my gut.
At home, H told our kids how happy he was on our vac, what a great time we had, etc. We are healing over that last blowout....but neither of us want that to happen again.
We are now planning things for the next few months....wedding back east, my B-day...a get away....a day visiting our son in college....friends/relatives visiting, thanksgiving, and even a vac around X-mas. So.....DUH, isn't it about time Mooka starts enjoying this ride.....and letting the past rest until we are healed much more....which may take a year or 2.... The reality is, that our R and M eroded over the last 4-5 years....just the last 1 1/2 being the most painful.
Sorry this is so long....I really needed to journal, and you are all so safe. Thanks for hanging in there if you've read to this point. And thanks for the continued support during this "piecing" process...God, I am so lucky to be in this position. Cuz I truly do love my H and feel like we have so much potential for growing old together and enjoying the fruits of our lives.
Who knows, I may have the guts one day soon to be the first to say ILY.....I've been holding back.
