May I suggest an excellent book to aid in your reconcilliation and healing? It is titled, "How Can I Forgive You?", by Janis Abrahms Spring -- author of "After the Affair." It is the most interesting, logical, and easy to understand book I've read regarding forgiveness.
My H and I are almost two years into our healing. I put my own needs on hold while my H overcame his severe depression. I assumed that after he got his head together, we would work on my issues. That wasn't happening. My H simply wanted to "forget it." He didn't want to talk about it. His thinking was that by bringing up the past it would just serve to perpetuate bad feelings and recriminations. I couldn't get him to understand how important it was for MY healing for him to talk openly and honestly with me.
I guess I finally got his attention when a couple of months ago I told him I had made an appointment to see a counselor -- just for me. I felt stuck in my healing process and since he didn't seem willing to help me, I would seek help elsewhere. He said he would do anything to help make things better for me. I stumbled across this book, and it laid out in print exactly what I had been feeling and trying to express to my H.
Basically, it talks about "cheap forgiveness" and how ineffective and destructive it can be. "Cheap forgiveness" means exactly that -- those who chose to forgive without making the offender "earn" forgiveness. That doesn't mean making the offender grovel and beg for forgiveness. It just means there are certain steps that should be taken by the offender to demonstrate remorse to the offended. And, it is more than simply ending the affair and promising to never do it again. It takes some hard work on both part of both parties.
I encourage you to get the book. It has helped me tremendously. As my H works to earn my forgiveness, I feel the resentment slipping away. We are beginning to share a much more intimate, much stronger bond than ever before in our history. My H is actually feeling empowered as he sees his efforts to "fix things" having an affect. He is a "fixer", and for him to have felt unable to fix the mess he created was extremely hard for him -- made him want to run from it, avoid it.
I have also put myself in the role of the "offender" I know I had a great part in the state of our marriage at the time my H succumbed. So, in essence, we are both working towards "genuine forgiveness" from the other.
The hard work is really just beginning, but if you do it right you be incredibly surprised at the rewards. Good luck.
