Pam, Pattie, Betsy,

Thank you all for responding.

Pam, I've actually been thinking that perhaps I just need to get myself a massage for an hour a month. Money is tight, but there is no excuse for me as a part-time massage therapist to not get one myself. I'm sure this will go a long way to helping me feel calmer, less stressed and more centered.

Pattie, I do feel like he lied. Thank you for your validation.

Betsy, he DID call me. At one am. In that phone message, he said, "I'm going to stay overnight. I'm going to have lunch with my mom tommorow, so, it just makes more sense for me to stay here. I love you!" Oh, and he called me from a bowling alley, so I had no clue whom he was with or how to reach him.

And he called me the next day. To check on me and to tell me what his plans were.

Which is exactly what I wanted...minus having a phone number to reach him by.

But, Betsy, I remember reading on your thread, telling someone they have broken your heart is emotional blackmail...or some such.

Yes, these are my fears. In the bright light of the day, based on all the 'evidence' I have, I KNOW that he's not cheating on me and that he loves me dearly.

At one am, not able to sleep well, because I've been waiting for him to get home...alone, and lonely, it's much easier to 'listen' to my fears.

This IS my issue...and it sounds like what I need to do is boost up my own defenses against these fears.

I know what works for me. Taking care of myself in the first place goes a long way towards helping me laugh at my fears.

I told him that since he was so confident and so self-assured, what do I need to do in order to combat these fears? His answer, "Just tell yourself 'I rock...he'd be an absolute fool to lose me.'"

It's that simple for him. Why does not having a phone number upset me so?

Because I have no control.

If something bad happens to someone we love, I have no way of contacting him.

For 24 hours at the most.

And he told me...if he cared about that, he wouldn't be vanishing. It's his problem.

Well, he's right...it's his lesson.

So, what's really at the core for me?

If it's just that I want to be able to reach him...shouldn't him getting a beeper be a solution?

Is it really that I just want to keep him leashed?

I think so.

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What a horrible way to treat the man that I love.

I need to sit with this.

Thank you all for your help.

And thank you Betsy for helping me face this.

Hugs.

PIB