No real thoughts for you on dealing with your sitch. Too stressed this morning to think much.
Getting a tooth pulled today and dreading it.
I was wondering something that David and I used to do and I feel when we stopped that, we lost a bit of our connection, is a night out for us once a month. We only did one night because of expense and getting things done around the house on the weekend. It was a local place so we would take off on a Friday evening and usually eat dinner out, sometimes we packed a picnic dinner, and just sit and talked. We got away and it always seemed to drain the stress of responsibilities of dealing with daily life and recharge our batteries so to speak. Change of scenary and varied the routine, plus we could look forward to it.
I know that probably won't take the place for Monkey of spending the night out with his friends, but maybe he might not feel as much of a need to spend the whole night out if the two of you plan your weekend escape.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I'm not smacking you! Both of you chose to be in an adult, mature relationship. That includes being responsible. How is being out all night, letting your partner worry being responsible?
PIB, he lied to you. You said it in the statement that he knew for a week what he was going to do. So yes, he did act like a rebellious teenager.
I'm sorry I don't get the "vanishing" thing. Don't we all wish we could just disappear at times? That's kind of like wishing we could wave a majic wand.
Aside from the he could walk out the door statement, I don't see anything wrong with your conversation.
Bottom line? He needed to be considerate. You should not be left having an anxiety attack or worrying.
More importantly, why does he need to act this way?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Holy heck, did this encourage me to log in today (I was not planning on doing that until now).
Boy, did a bunch of really unhappy thoughts and memories come flooding through my mind for you. My PA man used to come in later than he said, but not ever did he not come home. But the core issue here (aside from his disrespectful behavior) is your question on controlling.
PIB, asking for someone to give us reassurance because of our fears IS controlling. Let me say loud and clear that I do NOT agree with his behavior, his rationale and how he handled this fiasco. Nor do I think you are unreasonable.
But the fact is that we want to live our lives being trusted by others. Granted, certain behaviors are not trusting in nature... but the fact is, he could still give you the phone number and cover his a$$ if he really wanted to be discreet.
You're a smart cookie when you say he's going to resent you for this.
HOWEVER..........
I also feel this behavior is a boundary and a deal breaker (at least for me, and I suspect it is for you). I think there is probably a way you can convey your boundary on this issue without making demands. (After all, giving you what you say you want is not going to resolve the problem, is it?)
Why not ask him what he thinks he can do to resolve this problem and see what he answers? If they are not acceptable, then you have room for negotiations or for really standing your ground.
I know for me, I would have to convey a message of feeling unloved--that it hurts to be given no consideration, whether that involves him making a phone call to tell you he's had too much to drink and will be spending the night wherever he is (and hoping that it is with MALE friends) or calling a taxi or whatever his reason for staying out all night actually was.
(((((PIB)))))
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Pam, I've actually been thinking that perhaps I just need to get myself a massage for an hour a month. Money is tight, but there is no excuse for me as a part-time massage therapist to not get one myself. I'm sure this will go a long way to helping me feel calmer, less stressed and more centered.
Pattie, I do feel like he lied. Thank you for your validation.
Betsy, he DID call me. At one am. In that phone message, he said, "I'm going to stay overnight. I'm going to have lunch with my mom tommorow, so, it just makes more sense for me to stay here. I love you!" Oh, and he called me from a bowling alley, so I had no clue whom he was with or how to reach him.
And he called me the next day. To check on me and to tell me what his plans were.
Which is exactly what I wanted...minus having a phone number to reach him by.
But, Betsy, I remember reading on your thread, telling someone they have broken your heart is emotional blackmail...or some such.
Yes, these are my fears. In the bright light of the day, based on all the 'evidence' I have, I KNOW that he's not cheating on me and that he loves me dearly.
At one am, not able to sleep well, because I've been waiting for him to get home...alone, and lonely, it's much easier to 'listen' to my fears.
This IS my issue...and it sounds like what I need to do is boost up my own defenses against these fears.
I know what works for me. Taking care of myself in the first place goes a long way towards helping me laugh at my fears.
I told him that since he was so confident and so self-assured, what do I need to do in order to combat these fears? His answer, "Just tell yourself 'I rock...he'd be an absolute fool to lose me.'"
It's that simple for him. Why does not having a phone number upset me so?
Because I have no control.
If something bad happens to someone we love, I have no way of contacting him.
For 24 hours at the most.
And he told me...if he cared about that, he wouldn't be vanishing. It's his problem.
Well, he's right...it's his lesson.
So, what's really at the core for me?
If it's just that I want to be able to reach him...shouldn't him getting a beeper be a solution?
Is it really that I just want to keep him leashed?
Glad you clarified that he did call you. That puts a slightly different slant on things. In that light, I understand why you were questioning yourself as being controlling. Until that point, it looked like an issue of inconsideration toward you. Still, your conversations were good.
Just an example of the ongoing process of building trust!?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Your H tells you that he just needs to be able to "vanish." He also said you could vanish, too.
If he tells you who he is with, and gives you more notice, say tells you before he goes that he's spending the night or calls you earlier in the evening, would you be okay with it?
Why was he afraid to tell you who he was going out with? Because that is obviously why he lied, to protect himself from some fear of what your reaction would be.
Did you know? Could you have said, "are you going out with xxx?" And if he said yes, are you comfortable with saying "do you think you will spend the night?" And then be able to say, that's great, have a great time, enjoy yourself, I'll miss you?
Would you object to him sleeping over with his friends if he were out on a hunting or camping trip? Somewhere remote where chances are he might not be reachable either?
You read Wild at Heart. You know he needs to be a warrior with his friends.
He is trying to be honest with you. Like Betsey said, he could always be dishonest, but he is trying not to be.
Maybe, when he goes out, you should go out... stayover with girlfriends? Just a thought.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I like the point you made about Husband going camping. THAT, I can relate to. That helps a lot. And no, I don't think I'd object to it as much because I can relate to it.
And Wild at Heart was on my mind while all this was going on.
I do think that him telling me sooner that he's going to spend the night out would be easier for me. But I shall have to prove to him that it's safe for him to tell me.
Haven't posted to you before but have followed your thread off and on for a while.
From an outsider's view, it does look like a control issue with H trying to resist prove, consciously or likely not, that you having too much control over the R (him, really). I'm a controliholic also, and my H is P/A.
I think many of us would agree that you have a right to be unhappy with your H staying away from home all night, so you've got that. You're right! And as someone smarter than I am has said, that's all you get - being right. Now you've got to deal with the reality of the sitch, and start thinking in different ways, i.e., (from Susan Price's book):
"H's role is to go out and have fun with friends and stay out all night, and when he does this, Phoenix's role is to be unhappy and get clingy." OR "Phoenix's role is to be unhappy and clingy, and when she does this, H's role is to go out and have fun with friends and stay out all night."
So what can you do to change this around?
1. Definitely act completely happy with it the next time it happens (as long as he has told you in advance, and has called you to keep you updated, etc.).
2. Maybe you can get him a cell phone and tell him it's just for emergencies and you got it for him to call you, but you won't be calling unless necessary; but just the fact that he has it makes you feel so much better because you worry about him.
3. Pick a weekend and suggest that he DO go out with his friends, that you think it would be good for him, and you would like some alone time.
4. Take his words at face value. YOU go out and have a good time with friends and forget about the time. But make sure you call him to keep HIM updated on when you'll be home (late of course).
These are just my suggestions, and I'm not suggesting these things to be done in a spiteful way, in fact the opposite. Do them with a happy and 'loving' attitude. This worked wonders with my H.
Haven't posted to you before but have followed your thread off and on for a while.
Hiya In4Ride! Nice to meet you!
From an outsider's view, it does look like a control issue with H trying to resist prove, consciously or likely not, that you having too much control over the R (him, really). I'm a controliholic also, and my H is P/A.
I think many of us would agree that you have a right to be unhappy with your H staying away from home all night, so you've got that. You're right! And as someone smarter than I am has said, that's all you get - being right. Now you've got to deal with the reality of the sitch, and start thinking in different ways, i.e., (from Susan Price's book):
"H's role is to go out and have fun with friends and stay out all night, and when he does this, Phoenix's role is to be unhappy and get clingy." OR "Phoenix's role is to be unhappy and clingy, and when she does this, H's role is to go out and have fun with friends and stay out all night."
Thank you for the validation that It's ok for me to not be happy about him spending the night out. I appreciate that.
And I like the way you posted about the roles. That points out something to me actually.
Version number 2 is the way it used to be.
I was needy/clingy...and he'd escape to hang out with friends.
THAT's the reason for my statement of, "Nothing's changed!" In actuality it had. We just flipped the cycle. He went out and THEN I got needy/clingy. Hey...this is progress!!
I like your suggestions. And you'll be proud of me because I've actually taken a step towards taking care of myself.
I've set up an appointment with the Massage Spa and Salon that is located on the street that I work on. I've been eyeing that sign for a few months now, but not doing anything about it.
Well, I have an appointment this thurs!
I've told husband that I had an appointment so that if he didn't want to wait for me he could drive himself into work that day.
He asked what the appointment was for, and I told him it was my version of a camping trip. Secret stuff.
He understood and was happy for me.
And I'm feeling happy and excited.
(psst...don't tell husband but I'm getting my legs waxed. Something that I know will make me feel good about myself and make me feel sexy!)
Quote: (psst...don't tell husband but I'm getting my legs waxed. Something that I know will make me feel good about myself and make me feel sexy!)
Won't that hurt??
I am glad you have made an appointment and are looking at alternative ways to handle this so you don't end up needy and clingy. Needy and clingy is NO FUN!
Have a great evening.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
and just sit and talked. We got away and it always seemed to drain the stress of responsibilities of dealing with daily life and recharge our batteries so to speak. Change of scenary and varied the routine, plus we could look forward to it. 
Betsey 
I'm sure this will go a long way to helping me feel calmer, less stressed and more centered.
