i know i have been scarce lately, but i had to let you know that i do follow your sitch. i know you feel overwhelmed with things right now, any huge undertaking like this can do that to a person
allow yourself to feel these - they are natural
you are such an inspiration - personally, i am so impressed with anyone that can make a life changing decision like this, no matter how much it makes us uncomfortable, and stick to it
wondering WHY it is making you feel uncomfortable...
I hope school is going well and the balancing act of time with h and study time isn't giving you any problems. I have absolute confidence that you are managing great!
Curious, did you get the labryinth finished before school started?
I am guessing you don't have time, but are you ever on Yahoo anymore? I would like to ask you a question.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am reading threads still even though I'm not posting as much. I don't want y'all to think I've totally abandoned you!
Great news!
I had a huge insight yesterday.
Husband is having a difficult time quitting smoking.
My revelation:
I'm not going to leave him because he has this bad habit. I just wish he'd fix it.
BAM!
I suddenly realized that's how he probably feels about my weight.
I asked him and he confirmed!
What a huge load off!
(I think there was a part of me that was resisting my efforts to lose weight because of my fear that he would leave me again if I didn't lose it. Crazy I know.)
I feel so much better!
And Husband installed a pool ladder so now I can climb in and out with ease.
Husband told me the week before that he was going out with his friends on Sat.
Didn't tell me who, where, what.
Which means to me that he's hanging out with his old roomates.
He's been great about telling me who and what if it's his new friends here.
Anyway, I asked him when he'd be home. He told me 1:00 am at the latest.
Well, he spent the night out.
Flash back for me to all the times pre-separation that he'd take off, not tell me anything and spend the night out.
I was furious and hurt.
He came home sunday.
I didn't know how to talk to him so, just stayed retreated and distant.
As this is not my normal behaviour, he knew that I was upset and hurt. He sat down next to me. Asked if I was mad and kept waiting patiently and kindly for me to answer.
So, I did.
***Note: I don't feel like I handled this well...so get your 2 x 4's ready.***
I told him that I felt like nothing had changed. That if he was going to keep secrets from me, then he might as well walk out the door. (I know, I know...smack smack smack.)
He told me he wasn't trying to keep secrets. That the reason he didn't tell me his plans is that he doesn't have plans. (Actually, he knew for a week who he was hanging out with...so that's an inaccurate statement on his part.) That he feels so restricted by 'the calendar' and that he needs to break lose and vanish for awhile.
I told him that I understand. That I feel like I have all these obligations and that I want to be able to just take off and not tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing. But I told him we are not roomates...we are married.
That we are adults and as adults we DO have these obligations. That if I'm not his enemy, (which I feel like when he hides things from me) and if he loves me, then he should tell me what his plans are. Just who he's with, what time he will be back and how I can reach him in an emergency.
He told me that it was obvious that I just absolutely hate him spending the night out.
Yes, I do. But on top of him not telling me who he is with, where he is, and not having any way to reach him...when he spends the night out...how am I suppesed to argue against that little voice that says he's cheating on me?
"So, you think I'm cheating on you."
Sigh.
No, I don't. But at 1:00 am, it's really hard to argue against that little voice...against those fears.
I told him that I felt like he was being a little rebellious boy and hiding things from his mother, (me).
He told me, "You know, you don't have to be my mother."
I said, "I KNOW that. And I don't want to be. But if we are equals, and if you respect me...then you'd tell me stuff and not hide it from me."
He hugged me and held me while I cried.
And he told me that from now on he'd tell me who he was hanging out with and give me a phone number. (Which means he's going to resent me...at least based on past experience it will. I feel like this is a no win situation...no compromises possible.)
Sigh. I honestly don't know if I am asking too much. I know I have this idea in my head about how husbands and wives are supposed to be. And the husband spending the night out with friends is not in my script.
I can understand his wanting to just vanish and get away from his responsibilities. But the way I see it, we chose these responsibilities. And it's is part of being an adult.
And I told him that I feel so left out when he just takes off and doesn't include me in making the decision to spend the night...to change plans.
He said he'd give me a way to contact him in case of an emergency.
He said that I could take off and vanish and he'd be fine with it.
As long as he knew I was safe.
As far as my fears of him cheating on me. He didn't while we were separated. I know that he loves me. And I know that this really is my issue...my fear that I'm not good enough, sexy enough, fun enough...etc.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being controlling?
I am afraid I am.
Is is fair of me to want to have a phone number and to know who he is hanging out with?
I understand his need to get away ...am I preventing him from feeling like he's gotten away and is free if he gives me a name and number?
We've made up and kissed. But my heart still hurts.
