HD v LD

[eyesopened]

OMG Mike,

I think I understand what you were asking and you didn't get an answer to the actual question you asked.

But, as an admitted LDW, let me ask you a question. Would you see the same results in your M now if, instead of you going from LD to HD, your H had decided to go LD?

Assuming that I finally understand your question now, the answer, which is only speculation on my part, is no. I believe that sex is my husband's top emotional need from marriage. It would entail a great sacrifice for him to change from being HD (meaning in this case that sex is a primary emotional and physical need) to LD. As you said yourself,

Since it is about love and not just sex, sex is critical to those who have the greatest need for it. Without it, there is no satisfactory way to express love. Substitute attempts will always fall short.

And, unfortunately, this isn't a need that you can possibly get fulfilled outside your marriage without negative consequences except perhaps in some very unusual situations.

Also, I believe with Willard Harley, that this is a primary emotional need for many people, especially men, including my husband. It's not a low-level need, it's not simply a want, it's not a luxury, it's not a preference. It's a need, and to voluntarily give up a need that strong would be a difficult sacrifice. Even worse, it would be an unnoticed and perhaps unappreciated sacrifice.

For the LD spouse, things would go on as normal. For the HD spouse, every day would be a struggle to maintain a sacrifice without bitterness and anger. As Pat Love wrote in the Foreward to TSSM:

Far too many couples live with an unspoken, unworkable contract that goes something like this: " I expect you to be monogamous, but don't expect me to meet your sexual needs." You can't live under this contract without driving a stake into the heart of your marriage.

In our case, where there's no illness or other extenuating circumstances that would prevent sex, I honestly don't think that we could have reached the point where we are now if I hadn't made him and his primary emotional need a priority in my life. It's why I keep talking about love. Once I found out how important this was to him and that it's what says "I love you" more than anything else to him and that I wasn't meeting this need satisfactorily, the only choice came down to whether or not I loved him. If I loved him, I had to make every reasonable effort to meet this need. If I didn't try my best to meet this REASONABLE and NORMAL need, "I love you" would only be words without meaning. And, for what it's worth, it's what I would say to any other woman (I don't know anything about LD men) who came to me and said that she loved her husband, that he was a considerate lover, that sex was his primary emotional need (or at least in the top 3), but that she just didn't FEEL like ML with him and didn't see why this was important.

Hope this answers your original question.