HD v LD

[eyesopened]

Dave,
I hear what you're saying, and I've seen what you're talking about in my own family. My father and mother sleep in separate bedrooms, which is my mom's preference. My father adores my mother, and I've seen some of the love letters and cards he's given her; but the love he gives doesn't seem to be reciprocated. I've never seen my mother hug my father. If this makes my mom sound like a horrible person, she isn't. She's funny, intelligent, and had a figure that could still turn men's heads when she was in her forties. Now that I'm an adult, my mom is one of my best friends and probably the first person after my husband who I call when I need to talk to somebody.

As for sex, I remember finding my father's well-worn stash of porn years ago, so he's not sexless. I could give her Michele's books and Harley's books and tell her how my marriage has changed for the better, and she'd tell me that was nice but wonder what it has to do with her and my dad. Even if my dad left (and many years ago he did make the threat), she'd let him go because she's happy with her life with or without him. And, to be honest, I have no idea how anybody would be able to persuade my mother that sex is important enough to my dad that if she truly loves him, she should figure out some way to meet his needs.

If my husband had put in the effort you have to try and get your wife to understand your needs (this is absolutely no criticism of my husband), we would probably have reached this point of satisfaction long before now. It's ironic that writing about your frustration has actually benefited another HD husband who you'll never meet (although you may meet my son with no knowledge of who his parents are one day since he's getting into mountain biking).

I guess what I'm saying when I talk about other LD wives out there who are like me is that some of us simply don't realize that our husbands are literally starving for sex simply because the frequency is too low. I guess I shouldn't try to speak for anybody else, but I suspect there are other women like me who think that quality is what counts when it comes to sex with our husbands rather than quantity. Yes, quality is important and I'm sure men appreciate that (at least my husband does), but I suspect that he would have traded quality for quantity as long as the sex was satisfactory and not the "lay there like a dead fish" type.

So, what you and some of the other guys on this board along with Michele's book and Harley's book whacked into my head is that sex is far more than a physical itch for men, it's an emotional need as well as a physical need, and that frequency is far more important than I ever realized. That's why I turned frequency completely over to my husband even when I initiate. I want him to know that I believe his sex drive is perfectly normal and a good thing, that I love the fact that he still finds me desirable and wants to ML with me, that I'm grateful to him for not giving up on our marriage, and that he's not being unreasonable if he wants to ML every day (as it turns out, he actually prefers to wait at least a day between sessions because it feels better for him when we do ML, and that's fine with me). I am still surprised, in a good way, at the amount of nonsexual physical touch he wanted once he no longer felt sex-starved (long foot rubs are a daily event now).

I feel real remorse about the past, and I'll make it up to him the best I can. Fortunately, this is where the benefits of a long-term monogamous marriage kick in; I know that I can trust him, that he won't be selfish and demanding or blaming. In fact, as I mentioned a couple of other times, when he saw that I was truly remorseful about the past, he hugged me for several minutes, told me it was water under the bridge, and brought me 2 dozen roses the next day.

As for the crucible, I probably was in one although I still have a little trouble getting my mind around that concept. Once I realized that ML frequently was what said "I love you" to my husband, I realized that I could no longer say that I loved him and mean it if I wasn't willing to try my best to meet this very reasonable need that didn't violate any of my boundaries or morals.

BTW, the dynamics of our relationship were depressingly similar to what Michele describes in this article about The Walkaway Wife Syndrome . I felt as though my only choices were between divorce, which violates so many principles and values of mine, and continuing in a marriage that was increasingly becoming a relationship where we lived parallel lives. Miserable choices. So, I'd reached a point where I had nothing to lose by following Michele's advice in TSSM. If it didn't work, I'd only be back where I started. But, if it did work, which it did (and I'm still surprised at how well it worked), I had a shot at what seemed impossible, a "happy" marriage.

For me, once I learned how important frequent sex is to my husband, it really came down to one question, "do I love my husband", and the best definition of love I've found is the one by American psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan below.