HD v LD

[eyesopened]

A LDW coming to here would be hard-pressed to believe you're truly LD, IMO.

Mike,
Michele and Dr. Pat Love (who wrote the forward to TSSM) would believe. In fact, Love talks about the breakup of a relationship over this issue, and Michele discusses in the last chapter of TSSM her own experience in her own marriage with this issue. That's one of the points that I was hoping to make, that there are lots of people out there like me who love their spouses, who want to fix things, who might wonder if Michele's ideas will really work, who might appreciate the anonymous support of this board, but who would be deterred from seeking help from this board because of the perception that the HD spouses don't really like the LD spouses, would rather be with one of the other HD people on this board, and that ALL LD spouses are somehow defective, broken, bad, etc. But, as Schnarch says, for every issue in a marriage, including sex, one partner will be more HD than the other. A person might be the HD partner in one relationship, but could be the LD partner in another relationship and even later in the same relationship (perhaps due to changes in physical appearance of the spouse, health problems, stress, worry, grief, etc.)

Also, as Willard Harley says in His Needs, Her Needs, sex is often the number one emotional need for men in marriage whereas it usually doesn't even make the top 5 for women (please understand that, as he points out, these are generalizations and don't apply to everybody--this is one of the reasons why I've decided to stop posting here, I feel now as though I have to explain everything and put disclaimers on comments and worry about offending other people when writing about me or things I've read).

On the other hand, Harley found in working with couples that wives were often just as frustrated with their husbands because their husbands didn't understand or know how to meet their top emotional needs, which were different from their husbands'.

Isn't your success due to your "eyes being opened" to the need for you (LDW) to alter your behavior to meet your HDH's sexual makeup?

I think it would be more accurate to say that my eyes were opened to the fact that ML with my husband says "I love you" to him, that when he MLs to me he's also saying "I love you and want you", that it is as Willard Harley describes in His Needs, Her Needs, one of his top, if not the top, EMOTIONAL needs he has from our marriage and from me. That's why I have the quote from Harry Stack Sullivan at the bottom of my posts; it ultimately comes down to whether or not you love your husband or wife.

Also, as a woman who'd been hit on by men who would even sometimes reach out and touch where they weren't invited (some were strangers even), it became very easy to say no, to think that men just wanted sex, that they just wanted a warm body in bed with them, but to not see the connection between sex and love for some men. My husband never told me how he felt until I asked him, and the only indication I had that he was unhappy was that he would occasionally make a sarcastic remark that wasn't the way to get through to me.

Would you see the same results in your M now if, instead of you going from LD to HD, your H had decided to go LD? Wasn't that your situation when you were facing D?

No, because sex wasn't an issue or emotional need for me. It's not as though we never had sex or that it was unpleasant when we did. It was just more infrequent than he wanted. When we did ML, it was usually great. If he suddenly went to LD (accident, health, etc.), I'd find out what says "I love you" to him and that's what I'd do. The great thing is that my husband is now working and succeeding very well at meeting my emotional needs, which include physical affection (long nonsexual hugs and kisses, more time together, more conversation, etc.) I'm not kidding when I say we spend at least 2 to 3 hours a day touching now (hugs, ML, kisses, hands resting on each other while talking, foot rubs, neck rubs, etc.) The strange thing is that most people who know me, including my parents, would describe me as reserved and aloof; but my husband knows how much I love being touched by him and touching him.

As for contemplating divorce, I probably was the typical walkaway wife Michele wrote about in her article. The emotional distance between us seemed to be huge, and I felt alone and lonely even when he was around. I'd read relationship books and try to get him to read them; but it wasn't until I read TSSM and His Needs, Her Needs, that I realized how important sex was to him (remember, he never told me and he'd stopped asking and would simply wait until I gave him some type of signal, usually out of guilt that we SHOULD be having at least as much sex as the national average ).

If that's true, then why wouldn't it take the same "revelation" that you got for any other LDW to resolve her M difficulties with a HDH? And wouldn't the same apply for a LDH with a HDW?

Because it ultimately comes down to love more than sex (although I can find great statistics on how good sex is for health and happiness). And, I believe that Michele is absolutely right when she writes that low desire can come from many different reasons. What we had working in our advantage is the memory of great sex, my comfort with my body and with sex (And my husband said the most wonderful thing a couple of days ago when I was fretting a little about aging, he told me that when he was top of me a few nights ago, he noticed that I was as pretty as when he married me. Do I think that I am? No, I see the lines around the eyes and mouth. But, it was one of the best, if not the best, compliments he's ever given me.), good health, almost grown kids now, etc. Also, as I've written, it was very helpful and reassuring to recognize my arousal and desire pattern and read that it was normal and common.