HD v LD

[eyesopened]

I have a question for you do you think that back when you were going to the C's would you have followed there advice and started ML to your H on a regular basis.

Lee,
It's a good question, and the answer believe it or not is yes. If somebody like Michele had told me what she says in the book, I would have ML to my husband whenever, wherever, and however he wanted if I knew it's what made him feel most loved and would increase the affection and emotional intimacy in our marriage. I know that one of the reasons he married me, thankfully not the only reason, is that sex was great between us.

In our case, we lived and worked in separate cities even after marriage and didn't even move in together until I was 6 months pregnant and quit my job so we could raise our child together, so we really didn't have a period of time to adjust to living with each other before the stress of kids. I don't know if you have kids, but if you do, you know how exhausted that can leave the mother and father. Combine that with a career (he was a military officer until recently) that takes him away from home often for long periods and my history of sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted family member while babysitting which made it impossible for me to leave my kids alone with anybody except certain female family members who all lived hundreds or thousands of miles away; and it shouldn't be a surprise that our marriage was barely limping along with a lot of fighting and distancing. Looking back, we often felt exhausted, and we usually fell asleep as soon as we went to bed. When he would reach for me, it often felt as though it was another chore I had to do before sleeping, which had nothing to do with him or whether or not I desired or loved him, but simply the fact that I was always tired and exhausted after chasing after our kids (all boys). It's hard to explain, but also sometimes I'd look at him and he seemed to be a stranger and I'd start thinking about divorce.

One of the things Michele says in the KLA tapes and in Divorce Remedy (she might even say in TSSM) is to look back to when things were better and identify what was different. One time when things were definitely better between us was when my husband had an assignment that still required a lot of travel but gave him the flexibility when he wasn't gone to meet me for lunch once the kids were all in school. We started out just meeting to eat and talk once a week. Then, once when I was trying to meet a deadline to finish a research memo at home, I suggested that he come to the house to eat lunch because it would take less time. He walked in, I was happy to see him (especially since our weekly lunches were bringing us back together again), we kissed, and BOOM! I looked at him, he looked at me, and we went upstairs and never did eat the lunch that I'd made (but I did manage to finish the memo later that afternoon). Our lunches, both at home and at restaurants, became pretty regular for a couple of years and then he changed jobs (left the military), we moved, and those lunches became a thing of the past; and we drifted apart again physically and emotionally especially with all the added stress of a new job and a new town and home.

Hope this answers your question.