I guess I don't really believe he's giving me "mercy" sex once we actually get going. Lights are on, eyes are open, he asks me to pose and do specific things, he got so wild on Friday he had to ask me if he was too rough afterward and he is all flushed and saying "yeah,yeah,yeah. JESUS!" or something like that before he orgasms etc. It's just that sometimes before he initiates or when I initiate it's as if I can hear rusty gears squeaking in his head while he decides if sex is something that he wants to do right then and this is rather disheartening.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: it's as if I can hear rusty gears squeaking in his head while he decides if sex is something that he wants to do right then and this is rather disheartening.
Hey, Mojo, just relax and enjoy what you're getting, and trust that it will improve. Don't be so quick to find fault!
Quote: Hey, Mojo, just relax and enjoy what you're getting, and trust that it will improve. Don't be so quick to find fault!
I know I have to trust my H will continue to make the effort in the future. I will try to focus on the positive . It just helps me to get any nervous griping out of my system if I can post my negative thoughts on this board.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think it makes sense to share with your H, that when he does not ML to you, you feel less connected, less like his mate. Love languages differ, this is yours. It matters.
It's still his choice, and that ups the ante. (its one thing for him to not do so when he is unaware of the resulting emotions, feelings on your part-- it's a whole nother thing if he still doesn't do it after he knows)
It sounds to me, as if this is strong/impactful enough for you, that you should tell him clearly. You'd have to be prepared to accept or act on his behavior....
My own M was similar in this way. Sex wasn't the only thing, I also liked cuddles, backrubs-- I've often been compared to a greedy lap pet. But lack of sex was a show stopper for me. When he slipped up, and actually ML, it was always great. But it became increasingly clear that he was withholding sex because it gave him leverage of some sort. Grrrrrr. If I'd been Schnarched, I might have handled it even more strongly-- but I doubt the outcome would have been any different.
I'll be smarter next time.... it's nice to know that men are attracted to me, know I'm quite F-able. I won't ever get tied into a LD man again.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Quote: But it became increasingly clear that he was withholding sex because it gave him leverage of some sort. Grrrrrr.
Sometimes I think that just knowing your spouse is LD enough that they can choose to want or not want to have sex at any given time is enough to throw a marriage out of balance. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where George complains that he has "no hand" in his current relationship. The fact that the LD spouse can turn the sex supply off any time they choose gives them a great deal of control over a HD spouse. This is true even if they generally choose to keep the supply turned on because they know it "lubricates" the relationship.
My H called last night and informed me that he will probably be gone another 2 weeks! He has little choice about this because he is in the training phase of a new job for which travel is a requirement. I'm mature enough to deal with lack of sex due to unavoidable physical separation, but something about this is bugging me. We've been having great phone conversations so I think I know what's going on in my H's head. He doesn't like being away from me and the kids for so long because he misses us emotionally. He understands that I am going to be unhappy to go that long without sex and he is quite concerned that our relationship might be jeopardized. BUT...I don't get any vibe off him that he is at all concerned about going without sex for three weeks for his own sake
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: BUT...I don't get any vibe off him that he is at all concerned about going without sex for three weeks for his own sake
So what? That's just who he is, and you know it. If anything, you could feel secure in the knowledge that he won't be tempted to stray, because he is not "horny". Of course, that's patent BS - if he had a mind to stray, he would. I'm trusting he doesn't. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, he will be physically away from you for 3 weeks, and therefore unable to ML to you. That bothers YOU, of course, and there's not much you can do about it, except make great use of toys and porn while he's away. It doesn't cause the same problem for him. Oh, well, at least he'll be able to concentrate on his training. You can't demand that he FEEL the same way you do. The test will come when he comes home.. surely he'll be expecting you to jump him in the car! What will HE do? That's the challenge, and the test...
MOjo, My H and I are separated. One of his reasons is not enuff Ml. When he was gone for a 1.5 months, I tried to come on to him. He turned me down. He said, that I was only doind it to get him to come back home, I am a phony, I don't want him, blah,blah,blah... Then about 2 wks later he asked me to do a sriptease for him.(something he wanted me 2 do b4 but I wouldn't)I did it and he loved it. After that we began doing the things I would never do. I dressed up in maid uniform, cheerleader, blindfolds....It got to the point where he would just call me and say, Can you do something nice and different for me? I did this for about 2.5 months. I then began to feel like he was cake eating so I stopped. I think he has OW, atleast EA but it didn't stop him from wanting those things from me. I wanted and still want him home. I believe that he has always wanted to feel more love from me, be accepted as a man,feel attractive and he wants it from me.
I think he is terrified to come home because the attention will stop. My question to you is in your opinion since you are HD, should I have stopped ML or not?
The thing is not until he left did I start to read about R's and exactly what sex meant to a man and how it makes him feel. I always just thought it was an act to fulfill his selfish needs. Boy was I wrong!
I feel bad for what I didn't give him but I am very happy that it caused me to research the issue. I also had self esteem issues and that is why I didn't want to dance for him and all the other stuff but he doesn't want to hear that.He wants to know why did it take me to leave to get you to give me this?
Ok fst forward: For about 3mos we Ml. No holds barred. I got frustrated 6wks ago because he wants sex but not ready to come home so I said No more Ml. I felt like a doormat. Was this a mistake? Should I start to Ml again since this was an issue. How do I help him understand that I really didn't any better. I enjoy sex more now than ever and so does he. I think one of the things that held me back was a fear intimacy.
This is the most important thing you can let your husband know if you want him to believe you will continue to be sexual with him in the future. Withholding sex is counter-productive because that is exactly what he fears you will continue to do in the future if he returns. He might be thinking "If she withholds sex now in order to get me home, she might withhold sex next year because I'm working too much or not doing my share of housework or just because she's in a bad mood."
I think it's great that you've been participating in some of his sexual fantasies and have been able to let go of some of your inhibitions. Why not think up a couple fantasies of your own? If you don't know where to start, order a book of women's erotica from Amazon. I can almost guarantee that if he's the typical HD male and you call him up and tell him what YOU want him to do for YOU sexually instead of just doing what you think he might appreciate, you will really get him thinking that you aren't just faking it. Besides it will be super fun for you if he does what you like- a win-win solution.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
. It just helps me to get any nervous griping out of my system if I can post my negative thoughts on this board. 
