Hi all, internet at work went down shortly after my post so I'm posting from home while H is out walking. I hope they get the net up tommorrow because our paychecks are electronic deposit and we kind of need them to cover the regular bills while we are gone!!!! I swear I think the devil is doing all he can to come between us...I don't think I posted this, but H even left the water running to the horses all night Sunday, flooded their pen so much it still isn't dry. I did get an email from H about the time I posted he hadnt emailed me...said he was sorry for this AM, wasnt feeling well, and was NOT mad at me.... I've been pretty down all day, just struggling. I was in the kitchen when H came in and he did not have his ring on...my PMA really tanked then, we went up to change clothes and I asked if he decided not to wear his ring again....he said he spaced it off, that it would take him a while to get in the habit of putting it on, but I swear he had it on when we did chores this morning.
I told him I had thought about being afraid of something a lot today, and I decided that what I'm most afraid of is that he won't be happy with me...that his heart would always be with her; but that I feel in my heart we can build a great new R...he looked like he was thinking about what I was saying, and said he thought he could be happy, and that we could build a happy R, and that he wanted to work things out, that made the most sense to him...I told him I hoped it was more than "making sense" or that someday it would be, and he said "you mean like romance", and I said yes....that sometimes I feel like we've got it and then something seems to get in the way...I asked if he felt like we were doing better than before, and he said yes, better than ever actually, we've never had a very romantic relationship, but I suppose you can change anything"....I told him that I worry about coming on too strong, and that he would hate me for smothering him, and he said "well not if you could just back off for a while if I needed to ask you to". so, I guess I'll try to start slow and "turn up the heat"
I did tell him I'd been reading some romantic ideas, he asked what they were, told him he would have to wait and see for most of them, but one had made me laugh...he asked what that was and I told him "make love every night until they ask you to stop, but when I read that I thought to myself I've already done that one"....he chuckled.
I'm in the computer room here at home, and see the infamous phone card is back in it's usual "hiding" place....sigh....don't know what else to say....his ring is still off, as is his medal as he's out walking, I know I will feel some better if he puts that back on.
Over lunch I needed a break, so I went to the "hobby" store and bought some little gifts I can surprise H with....I think they will be kind of fun, and since he seems to see this type of thing as romance, I may as well give it a shot....I spent more money than I should have, but most of it was half price...I thought of notes/cards I can attach to each one. I got a wooden treasure chest I'm going to put "Treasures" candy in, with a note saying "you're my treasure" or "treasures for my treasure"; I got a cute stuffed monkey, I'm going to put a heart in it's hand that says "I'm Ape over you", and a miniture stuffed monkey I'm going to put on a chain with something that says "want to monkey around?" I got a crystal fish for a paper weight, I'll write "of all this fish in the sea, You're the only one for me" on the bottom; I got a little crystal globe that sits in a crystal hand, thought I'd put something like "you mean the world to me" on it....got a crystal light house, will have to hold off on that though, as that was one of OW's analogies, something like "you light up my life" could go with that...and I got a stained glass hot air balloon that's kind of a night light, something about "lifting me higher" could go with that, So, anyway, with the other ideas I've come up with, maybe I can convince him more sparks can fly here....
It's so weird, this is a guy who has made it clear to me for years he wasnt interested in romance...go figure, but at least I think I'm finally getting some ideas for romance that arent' "all about sex". I'll have to spread the gifts out so they arent too overwhelming or expensive....
Boy this was a rough day. I hope I get a chance to seduce him on a secluded mountain trail in the next week!
