Deb: Waffling is normal. I can tell you what happened to me and what I did but some of the details are a little too personal for me to talk about here. They embarrass me. Do you know how to work the private message function? If not, e-mail me at d.gorman@rkmlaw.com ( i know we are not supposed to give out our emails, but I trust you) and I will tell you my story.
So sorry that you are having these feelings today. (ahem, TODAY) I have to be honest and tell you that I do not see the "obviousness" of his second thoughts. I am sorry if I missed something...though I did read your post twice!
You have to remember that each and every day from here on out is NOT going to be like the day he kissed your hand and told you that he wanted to spend the next 25 years with you. BUT he did say those words and you have to remember that too! And I think I read somewhere in your post that he said, "I am were I want to be" or something to that affect.
I do see your point about his, "that's not the intent" comment. And I have to hand it to you for not coming unglued and asking him if his "intent" was to make you feel insecure or maybe just his "intent" to look like an ass? But you didn't take the bait. Good for you!
Ahhhh, that's why you are a better DBer than me
And as far as his comment about "doing what's right", well, I understand this kind of makes you feel like runner-up in a beauty contest. But you are looking at that comment from your perspective. I think that your H puts a lot of stock in "doing what's right". I think that in saying that he is trying to impress you. I mean, afterall, he has to stand in awe (and some envy) in the face of what you have accomplished. I think maybe he's looking for a little credit in the morals department.
I also heard these words from my H. It felt like I just stepped into a lukewarm bath...blah.
With regard to him going to confession, well, it's probably something that he will have to work himself up to. But I think that you are right, it's an important step....but one that he has to take by himself.
My H has been home for some time now and he still hasn't put his clothes away. Now, I could obsess about this til the cows come home and read all sorts of stuff into it but I decided to believe that it's just plain old laziness on his part. Instead, I choose to look at other things he does like, fixing things around the house, making plans for the future, talking about "us", and taking me on unplanned, spur-of-the-moment vacation weekends.
The signs that your H is staying and commiting will come in terms of what he sees as important and be explained from HIS perspective not yours. I guess our jobs (and hopefully our H's) is to learn how to interpret eachother's signs.
Deb, I've been looking for ten minutes trying to find that website again and I can't seem to locate it! You know, I found it and knew straight away that it would totally turn my H off so I didn't save it or anything. There are tons of sites out there, I was just lookin for a free one for ya. I typed in naughty online greeting cards or something along those lines.
I wanted a naughty one because, like your H, I do not really care for the lovey dovey stuff but I have to walk a very fine line with H. It can be flirty but not overly sexy. The site I was referring you to was pretty sexy but not with naked pictures or anything like that. Mostly steamy words; it would definitely get his mind on something pleasant.
gotta run; I'm going to make jelly today while D2 is napping and the clock is ticking.
You're worried and uptight because the game has changed, and you haven't learned the new rules yet. I feel the exact same way! It's okay. Smile. Do something relaxing.
You're like me, I'm so paranoid to do anything that even vaguely looks like pursuing behavior because that didn't work before. But I'm betting your H could use some of that now--I know mine has been asking for more and more.
Now...the fear that he will go back is natural. But don't get so uptight around him that you backslide into all the annoying clingy/needy behaviors. Affection and some pursuit are okay, but there is a difference.
He's wearing his ring. You won.
I seriously doubt even though xOW has DR, she'll be able to get it. After all, it's centered around being less selfish and self-improvement and keeping the family together. And doesn't an affair run exactly counter to that? So don't worry.
Take some time to take care of yourself. Calm down. I know that fear, and it will be okay. Don't expect too much too soon from either one of you. Enjoy today.
Hi all, internet at work went down shortly after my post so I'm posting from home while H is out walking. I hope they get the net up tommorrow because our paychecks are electronic deposit and we kind of need them to cover the regular bills while we are gone!!!! I swear I think the devil is doing all he can to come between us...I don't think I posted this, but H even left the water running to the horses all night Sunday, flooded their pen so much it still isn't dry. I did get an email from H about the time I posted he hadnt emailed me...said he was sorry for this AM, wasnt feeling well, and was NOT mad at me.... I've been pretty down all day, just struggling. I was in the kitchen when H came in and he did not have his ring on...my PMA really tanked then, we went up to change clothes and I asked if he decided not to wear his ring again....he said he spaced it off, that it would take him a while to get in the habit of putting it on, but I swear he had it on when we did chores this morning.
I told him I had thought about being afraid of something a lot today, and I decided that what I'm most afraid of is that he won't be happy with me...that his heart would always be with her; but that I feel in my heart we can build a great new R...he looked like he was thinking about what I was saying, and said he thought he could be happy, and that we could build a happy R, and that he wanted to work things out, that made the most sense to him...I told him I hoped it was more than "making sense" or that someday it would be, and he said "you mean like romance", and I said yes....that sometimes I feel like we've got it and then something seems to get in the way...I asked if he felt like we were doing better than before, and he said yes, better than ever actually, we've never had a very romantic relationship, but I suppose you can change anything"....I told him that I worry about coming on too strong, and that he would hate me for smothering him, and he said "well not if you could just back off for a while if I needed to ask you to". so, I guess I'll try to start slow and "turn up the heat"
I did tell him I'd been reading some romantic ideas, he asked what they were, told him he would have to wait and see for most of them, but one had made me laugh...he asked what that was and I told him "make love every night until they ask you to stop, but when I read that I thought to myself I've already done that one"....he chuckled.
I'm in the computer room here at home, and see the infamous phone card is back in it's usual "hiding" place....sigh....don't know what else to say....his ring is still off, as is his medal as he's out walking, I know I will feel some better if he puts that back on.
Over lunch I needed a break, so I went to the "hobby" store and bought some little gifts I can surprise H with....I think they will be kind of fun, and since he seems to see this type of thing as romance, I may as well give it a shot....I spent more money than I should have, but most of it was half price...I thought of notes/cards I can attach to each one. I got a wooden treasure chest I'm going to put "Treasures" candy in, with a note saying "you're my treasure" or "treasures for my treasure"; I got a cute stuffed monkey, I'm going to put a heart in it's hand that says "I'm Ape over you", and a miniture stuffed monkey I'm going to put on a chain with something that says "want to monkey around?" I got a crystal fish for a paper weight, I'll write "of all this fish in the sea, You're the only one for me" on the bottom; I got a little crystal globe that sits in a crystal hand, thought I'd put something like "you mean the world to me" on it....got a crystal light house, will have to hold off on that though, as that was one of OW's analogies, something like "you light up my life" could go with that...and I got a stained glass hot air balloon that's kind of a night light, something about "lifting me higher" could go with that, So, anyway, with the other ideas I've come up with, maybe I can convince him more sparks can fly here....
It's so weird, this is a guy who has made it clear to me for years he wasnt interested in romance...go figure, but at least I think I'm finally getting some ideas for romance that arent' "all about sex". I'll have to spread the gifts out so they arent too overwhelming or expensive....
Boy this was a rough day. I hope I get a chance to seduce him on a secluded mountain trail in the next week!
