Hey hon...my H did the same thing... Before, I was "suffocating" him. Now, he keeps asking me for more and more attention. I think there's a fine line between being affectionate, and hanging on everything my H does. Which may be more in my mental state than what I do. I'm just trying to help him in anyway I can--by just adjusting day to day. Your H may still try to pull back at times, so don't be too surprised.
Quote: should I do anything? should I ask H if she's calling, if he wants me to put a stop to it? I could block her cell # or we could get an unlisted #)....or should I just let it go?
Let your H handle it. I have a hard time with this, too. But it's his to deal with. I found that if I don't ask directly if ex-roommate called, and instead say, "You seem tense, is something wrong?" that lets him know I am ready to listen if he wants to talk, without being intrusive. More often than not, he will eventually let me know what's on his mind.
Quote: I honestly kind of worry if she's nutsy enough that I need to be watching my back, don't know if I should ask H about that or not....I just have this weird feeling, and so far my weird feelings have been right on track....
I hear you. I had a creepy feeling about ex-roommate from the first time I saw her. Really, truly, bad vibe. And, the more I find out, the more I think she's honestly nuts--and that my gut was right on target. She has gotten obsessive about asking H things about me (wanted to know where I was moving to...H lied and told her the opposite side of town) and had a fit when she saw H's car in my apartment complex (which you don't just "happen" to drive by--but she did already know which complex I was living in). She even told H she wanted to get a cat just like his and give it the same name.
I am, in all honesty, looking over my shoulder every time I go outside now. I don't think she would attack me (that would just be stupid), but I think she may try to confront me. I have no sympathy for this woman. The more H tells me, the more I believe there really was nothing going on between them, and it's all in her head. (The thing with the cat pretty much convinced me of this.) But I am concerned. I hate feeling like I have to watch my back. I am so glad I am moving in a week and a half...
Quote: I found that if I don't ask directly if ex-roommate called, and instead say, "You seem tense, is something wrong?" that lets him know I am ready to listen if he wants to talk, without being intrusive. More often than not, he will eventually let me know what's on his mind.
this sounds perfect, that's exactly what I'll do....
there is so much new stuff to process now it seems like, and I feel so much more conficent when H is around.
H sent me an email at nine this AM, I replied to that and sent him another one and havent heard back, so maybe he's pulling back again already.
I am really having trouble with detachment....I am so afraid she will be able to "guilt" him into going back... Except he said he told her he would want to be "at home" if he was with her....and he's told me he couldnt live with her constant anger and animosity towards males for the rest of his life, and that he could never leave...I guess I need to try to build some faith and trust...
Hey Deb, all GREAT news!!! I am so happy for you. It must be in the water, all these spouses changing their minds.
For the rest of you, don't worry, it can still happen for you. Remember patience.
I also got the same impression from my H. I knew when it was over because he just seemed more relaxed and peaceful. My H said that "if he put as much energy into loving me as he did having feelings for his EA, we never would have had problems." The similarities are really eerie when they turn around, huh? H also said that it may have been the hardest thing I ever did, but also the smartest. Boy is that true!
Hi Rottz, yes, the similarities are amazing. I found it interesting also that H says OW told him that the A will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to our M????!!!! I don't know, maybe she's right, maybe this is the fire we had to walk through to become polished, if that makes any sense.
Another thing that was interesting was the earlier comment about the OW wanting to get a cat like the H's and name it the same name. We have a cat (D's actually) that is really weird looking, a kind of Russian Blue/dilute calico with a Russian name....H told me months ago OW said they had had a cat with the same name that looked just like ours. Huh, yeah right, I'm almost 50 years old and I've seen one other cat in my life that looks like this one...what strings they won't jerk to try to make a connection. Truely amazes me.
Deb: You are doing a great job. You really are. Keep taking your clues from him, he does not seem to have trouble telling you when he needs you so let him guide you.
Stop obsessing about her. What you see as her "guilting" him back to her, he seems to find very unattractive behaviour from her. These OW are always wonderful until they start in with the threats and then they just arent so wonderful anymore.
Regarding the phone calls, if in fact she is really the one calling, you cant stop them, just be supportive. He may in time suggest changing his number but let that come from him. He is feeling so much guilt right now for you and for her. Just be his safe, calm place. Keep sending the cards and the ILY's and just be you. So far he has commented on your ability to forgive and not get nasty and your love. He sees those as positives, so keep them up. She no longer represents anything pleasant to him. Only if he mentions the calls or if he mentions she is starting to harass him a work, then you can jump in and help him find a solution to the problem. He has been honest with you so far, so trust that, but keep your eyes open.
Regarding her daughter, I too had that situation only it was a son. My H felt bad for him too. Very carefully and subtlely he needs to aimed in a direction to let go of the guilt for her daughter who is not his responsibilty and focus on his own son who needs him. If he brings her up again, tell him you understand and the two of you have a son who needs you both right now. It is her mothers responsibilty to help her daughter through this as she is the one who put her in the position to care for someone who would never really be permanently in her life.
I too was concerned the OW was going to force me into a confrontation because she kept threatening to do so. She called me at work a couple of times, and I very firmly and polietly told her thanks but no thanks. I had no need to hash the situation out with her because as far as I was concerned my issues were with my H and she was not a part of my relationship with him at all. We were not three people trying to sort something out, it only involved two. I will say however that speaking with her in a calm controlled manner while she was trying to tell me the intimate details of her relationship with my H and how I was trying to ruin it, empowered me. If she forces it and you choose to speak with her, it may in the long run make you feel better. After all, she is the one in the wrong, not you.
Keep up the good work, be patient, be kind and take his leads. Have faith in him Deb.
Quote: there is so much new stuff to process now it seems like, and I feel so much more conficent when H is around.
I hear ya. I actually felt like I had a better idea of how to DB while we were seperated. After we reconciled, it was like the game had been completely changed again. I was back to crawling around in the dark. Ah, well.
thanks Debra, this helps a lot....frankly I've been surprised how open H has become all at once, and my hope is that since I've been able to be calm and supportive he will be able to turn to me more and more... Yes, I do need to turn him towards our S, who has suffered more than his dad cares to admit. thankfully, H is beginning to work on that reconnection on his own, but I think he's so overwhelmed with grief and guilt right now that he doesnt himself know which end is up. I know he feels guilt also for the torment he's caused for both S and D....the guy is just now starting to sleep, I realize now he hasnt slept for months.
One thing that has shocked me is that as H has began to share his turmoil and upset and how awful things were w/OW (isnt that amazing?) I actually find myself feeling kind of angry w/her for hurting H so badly. Now is that totally irrational or what? I mean if she hadnt done what she did, we would probably have never had a chance, so I should be grateful. And H is certainly no innocent bystander, he should have known better. but I find my heart wanting to rush to his defense. So weird. maybe that is love, I don't know...beats me.
Wow Deb, reading your sitch definitely gives me the hope that I need. Im still praying that one day H will be able to see the OW as she is and not put her on a pedestal anymore, that she is also a person with faults. And he already has a devoted wife waiting for him at home...
Deb, I think you are doing great already. All I can say is keep up being the loving understanding wife that you already are...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Deb - The past few days have just been awesome, haven't they? I'm so happy for you - just make sure you enjoy the moment, and don't worry about the unsaid/undone - things will pan out in time.
You have done so well, Deb. It is such an inspiration to see that one can work through all the uncertainty, anguish, fear and anger. I salute you.
But it's his to deal with. I found that if I don't ask directly if ex-roommate called, and instead say, "You seem tense, is something wrong?" that lets him know I am ready to listen if he wants to talk, without being intrusive. More often than not, he will eventually let me know what's on his mind.