Deb: You are doing a great job. You really are. Keep taking your clues from him, he does not seem to have trouble telling you when he needs you so let him guide you.
Stop obsessing about her. What you see as her "guilting" him back to her, he seems to find very unattractive behaviour from her. These OW are always wonderful until they start in with the threats and then they just arent so wonderful anymore.
Regarding the phone calls, if in fact she is really the one calling, you cant stop them, just be supportive. He may in time suggest changing his number but let that come from him. He is feeling so much guilt right now for you and for her. Just be his safe, calm place. Keep sending the cards and the ILY's and just be you. So far he has commented on your ability to forgive and not get nasty and your love. He sees those as positives, so keep them up. She no longer represents anything pleasant to him. Only if he mentions the calls or if he mentions she is starting to harass him a work, then you can jump in and help him find a solution to the problem. He has been honest with you so far, so trust that, but keep your eyes open.
Regarding her daughter, I too had that situation only it was a son. My H felt bad for him too. Very carefully and subtlely he needs to aimed in a direction to let go of the guilt for her daughter who is not his responsibilty and focus on his own son who needs him. If he brings her up again, tell him you understand and the two of you have a son who needs you both right now. It is her mothers responsibilty to help her daughter through this as she is the one who put her in the position to care for someone who would never really be permanently in her life.
I too was concerned the OW was going to force me into a confrontation because she kept threatening to do so. She called me at work a couple of times, and I very firmly and polietly told her thanks but no thanks. I had no need to hash the situation out with her because as far as I was concerned my issues were with my H and she was not a part of my relationship with him at all. We were not three people trying to sort something out, it only involved two. I will say however that speaking with her in a calm controlled manner while she was trying to tell me the intimate details of her relationship with my H and how I was trying to ruin it, empowered me. If she forces it and you choose to speak with her, it may in the long run make you feel better. After all, she is the one in the wrong, not you.
Keep up the good work, be patient, be kind and take his leads. Have faith in him Deb.
