Hi Rottz and Debra, I know you are both right, I just need to calm down....I guess part of my problem right now is that I'm not real sure what my gut is telling me....I trusted him so completely before, that I don't know where I'm at....
but, trying to look at "gut feelings" objectively (now there's an oxymoron for you if ever there was one!) I believe he must be sincere....what he went through on Saturday can't be faked, although in a way he seems to be recovering pretty quickly, I guess that's good, and he is trained to not be ruled by emotions. I think part of it probably is that I'm scared to death of letting myself get hurt like this again. Actually, that's most if not all of it.

Part of it is that I'm exhausted, still not sleeping well, and pretty irrational from lack of sleep. I did take sick leave yesterday afternoon, went home, and....slept for 3 hours. I felt calmer when I woke up, but then H worked late (he says!) after his presentation, didn't get home until 8:30, and my anxiety increased the whole time he was gone.

When he got home he was cheerful, was wearing his ring, he went downstairs to do the treadmill and took off his ring, and I absolutely freaked, didnt say anything but was very anxious. S11 became wierdly tearful, so I think he noticed and was upset also. SIL came by and we talked a while, H was happy and content then, but I was still really uptight because H hadn't put his ring right back on.

When we went to bed, H initiated ML! which caught me off guard and was great, but I was still so uptight I didn't enjoy it as much as usual. H did hold me afterwards, and I told him I was very anxious and needed reassurance...that I'd noticed he didn't have his ring on and that it really stirred up my anxiety. He said he always takes it off when he exercises (I know he does for weights but never noticed it for treadmill) and "there is nothing going on". I asked point blank if he was going back to her, and he said "no"...his voice was pretty flat and matter of fact, but he was about to go to sleep....he did sleep some, only fitfully, which I know because I didn't sleep much.

At one point he complained that I was "making my boobs get littler every day" by loosing weight... I was kind of taken aback and upset by that, but just ignored it...don't know still how to take it, I know he doesnt like me being heavy, and there's not much I can do about where the weight comes off...I did tell him he'd have to buy me a boob job, though.....weird stuff.....

I didn't sleep very well, and when I did I had nightmares, I think for the first time since I found out about the A....I don't remember all of them, but I do distinctly remember that I was looking for H, I think in a hotel but lots of co-workers were there (?????) and knocked on a door...he opened it, OW was asleep on a bed with just a blanket over her, and I ran past H and killed her with my bare hands. Strangled her and then ripped her to pieces. So much for calm acceptance. That was really frightening to me.

This morning I was awake when H's alarm went off at 5:30, but acted like it woke me so he wouldnt know...told him good morning and rubbed his shoulders. He went to the kitchen and I heard his cereal bowl banging, so that was comforting. He woke me at 6 and brought me coffee, which is a little thing that means a lot to me.
I brushed my teeth as he was shaving and told him that I was still needing reassurance, that I was really incredibly anxious right now....he said "well, be reassured, you have nothing to worry about" and was kind of cranky about it.
After he shaved, I heard him go into the bedroom and quietly get his ring out of the basket, and he put it on.
He was more cheerful later in the morning but rushed, I hate being so rushed....

Just after I got to work I had to go back to the car to get some stuff, and he was in the parking lot loading up for the out-of-town office...I waved at him spontaneously, and he waved back and looked happy and cheerful. That's what we'd have done back in the good old days....for the last 6 months we've acted like we don't see each other. I guess that's a good sign.

At 9 this morning I got an email from him saying he got to the office ok, that he was sorry for being grumpy this morning, that he is very tired and not feeling very well...I emailed him back that I knew he didnt feel too well and that I'm all over the place right now, and thanks for the reassurance, hoped his day goes well, and that I'm really looking foward to vacation and other things. Got one back about an hour ago saying thanks, and that things are really hectic....

I guess if I calm down enough to listen, my gut wants to tell me he's being truthful...I'm just afraid to believe it.
I would have never believed the great turn of events I've longed for could flip me into anxiety as bad as anything has been before. so strange

been around awhile!