Hi Rottz, you must have ESP, I was just thinking I wanted to hope over & check out your thread, and then I noticed you'd posted here.
I don't know, the shirt thing, getting it back, does seem weird, maybe it was for her to sleep with and so she wanted to give it back.....of course, knowing H, he WANTED it back. Personally I would be very insulted that my red-hot lover wanted his damn t-shirt back....whatever....If she's insulted, that's good, that will help keep them from getting back together. I don't know for sure, but I think she has a temper that makes mine look very lukewarm, which is also interesting to me because H is absolutely petrified of conflict. Oh Well, go figure....
I still feel so insecure, especially with h saying he's going to work late tonight....but he's wearing his wedding ring, at least he was when i left for work this AM, so that says a lot and gives me hope....I guess it will just take time for the dust to settle.
Breathe Deb. Try and calm down. You are going to need all your strength now, as in my opinion, this next level will be the hardest. You are watching him mourn the death of his relationship with another woman and at the same time being told he is back with you. Can you see the issue here? You want him 100% and to move forward and start your new life and he just cant do that yet and yes that hurts. Also, all of your anger and hurt that you have put aside somewhat while DBing is now going all come to the surface especially if he is not acknowledging your fears and doubts. You have it doubly hard as he will still have opportunity to see her. She ended it (from what you have said here) and that is harder to deal with. It would have been more comforting to you if he had told her it's over and not the other way around. That is where your fear stems from and the "what if he changes his mind". He will go back and forth with this decision and be all over the place for awhile. It will be easier on him if he has no contact with her at all, but that is something only he can control. Once he has accepted it then the guilt comes. This part is a long process in addition to what you have already been through. All you can do is be his friend, take his lead, let him grieve. One day I promise he will look back at her and see what she really was and what their relationship really was but right now it is very real and he hurts. You are actually helping him get over the heartbreak of his other relationship, which many will say we are crazy to do, but is our choice. It took my H well over a year to see what he had really been involved in and never once did he tell me he finally figured it out, it came out during a counseling session. Be patient, be kind and be his friend. Start making new memories as a family and as a couple, but do it slowly. The thougtful little gifts are nice and show you care but can also add pressure so be careful and give them only occasionally. He knows you love him, that is a solid foundation he can rely on. That is enough. Dont get whiny and bitchy. Be confident and trust him in his decision (at least outwardly and remember that even if the worst happens and he does change his mind which is unlikely, you are strong now and can handle it) The one thing our counselor told us when we started going together, is that I should have been honest with my H and told him my fears and asked him to help me to get over them. I didnt do this when he came home so he thought I was fine when actually I was scared to death. Think about that. You may want to have a talk with your H and let him know your emotions are all over the place right now, right along with his and ask him if you can come to him when you need reassurance when things get to be more than you can handle. If you have to, ask him again if he is confident is his decision. Ask him what would happen if she changed her mind and wanted him back. Get your answers, trust them, tell him you trust them and then be each other's support system. He knows you will not be able to just blindly trust him right away. In the past when you asked him about his whereabouts and other changes in his behavior he would get angry and lash out, because he knew he was lying. We have all gone thru this and it causes us to be afraid of bringing things up that we absolutely need answered. If you ask him questions now, it may be different as the lying is done. Keep the faith Deb. You can do this and again I promise, on day your H will appreciate all the hard work you have done to keep your marriage alive. Mine does.
Thank you Debra, I'm going to print this off....there is so much helpful insight in your post. I have thought about the gifts being a possible source of pressure, so intend to keep it "occassional"...I thought maybe once every 3 weeks or so.... I need to consider how to ask him about the reassurance. I feel like she must have been the one to give the final boot to their R, although I feel like H was close to it for a long time, but still I do think she's the one who said "enough".... H was so grief stricken over the weekend, and part of it is from what he's done to us, and I think being greatful that I didn't throw in the towel....On the one hand that makes me think he is genuinely committed to US....but still I know it's hard for him to give her up. I am so thankful we have vacation coming up. You are absolutely right that I'm ready to charge ahead, and having to hold back still waiting for him is tough.
I think I'm going to take sick leave this afternoon, I have a terrific headache, and I need a little time to process all this when H and S aren't at home.
Deb, do breathe, please. Rumor has it that it's necessary.
And don't fret. He's wearing his ring. My gut told me when H was no longer lying to me and recommitted to us. Your gut will do the same. Have patience, good things are in store for you.
Deb: Rottzilla is right, my gut also told me when he finally was done with all of his shenangians and recomitted to us. Taking some time for yourself is a great idea, rest and relax. Remember we are all here to listen so dont worry. You are doing fine and have no reason to doubt yourself now. This all takes time and for those of us who tend to be impatient ( i am the worst!!!)it is hard. Calm and patience are your friends while you are busy being H's friend. And so are we.
Have a relaxing afternoon.
Hi Rottz and Debra, I know you are both right, I just need to calm down....I guess part of my problem right now is that I'm not real sure what my gut is telling me....I trusted him so completely before, that I don't know where I'm at.... but, trying to look at "gut feelings" objectively (now there's an oxymoron for you if ever there was one!) I believe he must be sincere....what he went through on Saturday can't be faked, although in a way he seems to be recovering pretty quickly, I guess that's good, and he is trained to not be ruled by emotions. I think part of it probably is that I'm scared to death of letting myself get hurt like this again. Actually, that's most if not all of it.
Part of it is that I'm exhausted, still not sleeping well, and pretty irrational from lack of sleep. I did take sick leave yesterday afternoon, went home, and....slept for 3 hours. I felt calmer when I woke up, but then H worked late (he says!) after his presentation, didn't get home until 8:30, and my anxiety increased the whole time he was gone.
When he got home he was cheerful, was wearing his ring, he went downstairs to do the treadmill and took off his ring, and I absolutely freaked, didnt say anything but was very anxious. S11 became wierdly tearful, so I think he noticed and was upset also. SIL came by and we talked a while, H was happy and content then, but I was still really uptight because H hadn't put his ring right back on.
When we went to bed, H initiated ML! which caught me off guard and was great, but I was still so uptight I didn't enjoy it as much as usual. H did hold me afterwards, and I told him I was very anxious and needed reassurance...that I'd noticed he didn't have his ring on and that it really stirred up my anxiety. He said he always takes it off when he exercises (I know he does for weights but never noticed it for treadmill) and "there is nothing going on". I asked point blank if he was going back to her, and he said "no"...his voice was pretty flat and matter of fact, but he was about to go to sleep....he did sleep some, only fitfully, which I know because I didn't sleep much.
At one point he complained that I was "making my boobs get littler every day" by loosing weight... I was kind of taken aback and upset by that, but just ignored it...don't know still how to take it, I know he doesnt like me being heavy, and there's not much I can do about where the weight comes off...I did tell him he'd have to buy me a boob job, though.....weird stuff.....
I didn't sleep very well, and when I did I had nightmares, I think for the first time since I found out about the A....I don't remember all of them, but I do distinctly remember that I was looking for H, I think in a hotel but lots of co-workers were there (?????) and knocked on a door...he opened it, OW was asleep on a bed with just a blanket over her, and I ran past H and killed her with my bare hands. Strangled her and then ripped her to pieces. So much for calm acceptance. That was really frightening to me.
This morning I was awake when H's alarm went off at 5:30, but acted like it woke me so he wouldnt know...told him good morning and rubbed his shoulders. He went to the kitchen and I heard his cereal bowl banging, so that was comforting. He woke me at 6 and brought me coffee, which is a little thing that means a lot to me. I brushed my teeth as he was shaving and told him that I was still needing reassurance, that I was really incredibly anxious right now....he said "well, be reassured, you have nothing to worry about" and was kind of cranky about it. After he shaved, I heard him go into the bedroom and quietly get his ring out of the basket, and he put it on. He was more cheerful later in the morning but rushed, I hate being so rushed....
Just after I got to work I had to go back to the car to get some stuff, and he was in the parking lot loading up for the out-of-town office...I waved at him spontaneously, and he waved back and looked happy and cheerful. That's what we'd have done back in the good old days....for the last 6 months we've acted like we don't see each other. I guess that's a good sign.
At 9 this morning I got an email from him saying he got to the office ok, that he was sorry for being grumpy this morning, that he is very tired and not feeling very well...I emailed him back that I knew he didnt feel too well and that I'm all over the place right now, and thanks for the reassurance, hoped his day goes well, and that I'm really looking foward to vacation and other things. Got one back about an hour ago saying thanks, and that things are really hectic....
I guess if I calm down enough to listen, my gut wants to tell me he's being truthful...I'm just afraid to believe it. I would have never believed the great turn of events I've longed for could flip me into anxiety as bad as anything has been before. so strange
Deb, it sounds like he is going through withdrawal. STOP ASKING ABOUT OW!
Right now he sounds like he is feeling down, dejected, like he lost a friend (which we all know is actually the feeling she gave him, even though he thinks it was her.)
You constantly asking him if it's really over this time is only making him miss her more and reminding him of her and constantly making his pain resurface.
Let him go into his cave to heal, let him get through his pain in his own way. Goodness, woman, he's recommitted to you. If you keep digging at that wound, how long before he decides he can't take the bleeding and go back to her to stop it?
You have a chance for success, let it heal in it's own time and it's own way, and be there for him. Accept him for who he is and what he says, or else he will just think "why not go back to her? Deb doesn't believe my words anyway, it's damned if I do and damned if I don't anyway."
I know it stinks. My H lied to me and now I am forcing myself to believe his words. Well, so far, he hasn't let me down and has been more open and honest with me than he has in over a year. BUT IT TOOK TIME. Up until just a few weeks ago, he was telling me the globe in the livingroom was not from OW, even though I knew it was. Little by little, as I am calm and accepting and understanding and BELIEVE in him, he comes out and tells me the truth.
Think about it. What would you advise me to do? Think it through, and then do it yourself. You can advise others but when it comes to yourself, you fall apart. You know the DB principles, woman, now live by them. If I were to constantly ask my H "are you thinking of her? Are you really back? Are you really not seeing her anymore?" What would you tell me? What would my H be doing? Thinking about her (because I keep reminding him) and possibly going back to her.
Quote: Think about it. What would you advise me to do? Think it through, and then do it yourself.
So, here's what I would advise: ---reread the DR chapters on infidelity and midlife crisis; ---Eat some chocolate while reading it to increase concentration ---take a nap to let it soak in. REPEAT steps 1 - 3 until step one is thoroughly baked into gray matter of brain! Ok, so I've already started on steps 1 & 2....hopefully the baking will not take too long....
I'd also probably suggest writing out ways H could provide reassurance, mentioning it once (yep, I remember the "unless he's deaf, he heard you" statement) and then let it go and see what happens.
Then, come to think of it, I might suggest saying the h--l with it all for a while and starting to pack for vacation.
I have been absent from the bb for a while due to travel and just plain being overwhelemed but I am overjoyed at your news. Thank you God for answered prayer! Like others I had the feeling that your H was "coming back" and not leaving you. I have quickly read your posts and they have brought back many memories of my own experience between bomb #1 and #2 when my H's A was temporarily over. I thought that my crisis was over but it was only just on "hold."
I pray that your H's A is really over for good.
God designed marriage as two becoming one flesh and we can never underestimate the bond between our H's and their OW's once they also have become one flesh.
I hope that I am not sounding like a downer, I am not trying to be one as I really am genuinely thrilled for you. I also realize that not all H's are alike and your H may be of a stronger will and moral fiber than my H. I want to encourage you to keep up your dbing.. and I know you will. best wishes, Pam
I was kind of taken aback and upset by that, but just ignored it...don't know still how to take it, I know he doesnt like me being heavy, and there's not much I can do about where the weight comes off...I did tell him he'd have to buy me a boob job, though.....weird stuff.....