Breathe Deb. Try and calm down. You are going to need all your strength now, as in my opinion, this next level will be the hardest. You are watching him mourn the death of his relationship with another woman and at the same time being told he is back with you. Can you see the issue here? You want him 100% and to move forward and start your new life and he just cant do that yet and yes that hurts. Also, all of your anger and hurt that you have put aside somewhat while DBing is now going all come to the surface especially if he is not acknowledging your fears and doubts. You have it doubly hard as he will still have opportunity to see her. She ended it (from what you have said here) and that is harder to deal with. It would have been more comforting to you if he had told her it's over and not the other way around. That is where your fear stems from and the "what if he changes his mind". He will go back and forth with this decision and be all over the place for awhile. It will be easier on him if he has no contact with her at all, but that is something only he can control. Once he has accepted it then the guilt comes. This part is a long process in addition to what you have already been through. All you can do is be his friend, take his lead, let him grieve. One day I promise he will look back at her and see what she really was and what their relationship really was but right now it is very real and he hurts. You are actually helping him get over the heartbreak of his other relationship, which many will say we are crazy to do, but is our choice. It took my H well over a year to see what he had really been involved in and never once did he tell me he finally figured it out, it came out during a counseling session. Be patient, be kind and be his friend. Start making new memories as a family and as a couple, but do it slowly. The thougtful little gifts are nice and show you care but can also add pressure so be careful and give them only occasionally. He knows you love him, that is a solid foundation he can rely on. That is enough. Dont get whiny and bitchy. Be confident and trust him in his decision (at least outwardly and remember that even if the worst happens and he does change his mind which is unlikely, you are strong now and can handle it) The one thing our counselor told us when we started going together, is that I should have been honest with my H and told him my fears and asked him to help me to get over them. I didnt do this when he came home so he thought I was fine when actually I was scared to death. Think about that. You may want to have a talk with your H and let him know your emotions are all over the place right now, right along with his and ask him if you can come to him when you need reassurance when things get to be more than you can handle. If you have to, ask him again if he is confident is his decision. Ask him what would happen if she changed her mind and wanted him back. Get your answers, trust them, tell him you trust them and then be each other's support system. He knows you will not be able to just blindly trust him right away. In the past when you asked him about his whereabouts and other changes in his behavior he would get angry and lash out, because he knew he was lying. We have all gone thru this and it causes us to be afraid of bringing things up that we absolutely need answered. If you ask him questions now, it may be different as the lying is done. Keep the faith Deb. You can do this and again I promise, on day your H will appreciate all the hard work you have done to keep your marriage alive. Mine does.
