thanks BnB and Slowly....I am still in such a daze, I'm not sure where to go from here, and I keep being afraid H will go back to OW.....but from what I've seen/heard, she has a really pretty volatile personality, and if she told him she doesnt want to hear from him, I imagine she will make that perfectly clear and mean it when she says it.
Things are feeling pretty weird as we start this rebuilding phase. I'm so thankful we have vacation coming up in 10 days....we will be at a favorite mountain cabin for 10 days....a place all of us love, with many good memories and time to just enjoy each other and life....
I feel kind of torn about how to best relate to H right now....MY desire is to smother him with hugs and kisses and affection and to ML.....H is kind of "stand-offish"....hasn't shown any interest in ML , no long tender hugs and kisses yesterday, neither of us is sleeping well at all yet, however, he does say ILY, he IS wearing his wedding ring, wore it here to the same office where OW is for the first time in almost a year.....!!!!!!!He invited me to go for a walk with him last night, so we got to walk together for an hour, just chatted a little, both of us were kind of quiet....H lifted his weights and then came and sat at the table for a little bit where I was sitting...mostly we just sat quietly....It's almost like we are both so overwhelmed we don't know what to say....one weird thing though, when he got home last night he brought a purplish t-shirt I've never seen from somewhere and stashed it into the dirty clothes hamper....said "my shirt needs to be washed"....I didnt say anything or dig it out, but I bet anything it's something he gave her and got back.....for heavens sake, I never heard of getting back stuff like t-shirts.....she must really be washing her hands of him....If I look, I bet it's a Black Diamond Rock climbing shirt that he got last fall when he went to the mountains by himself.... Then this morning, as I walked by his dresser I noticed a little note pad with a light house (uh-oh) thats been on his dresser a long time....when I got out of the shower, I noticed it was not there any longer....I'm guessing it's a memento from OW that he put somewhere as a keepsake......Oh well, I have to keep reminding myself that IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER.......I am surprised that this hypervigilance is still with me....I still have to work to shut it down.....
Although H was a little "cooler" last night than he was over the weekend, he wasn't what you could call "cold", and he wasnt grumpy....I got a sense that he was kind of relieved.....It's hard to explain, but he just kind of seemed like a big burden had been lifted from him.....
I wanted to initiate ML last night so much, and didnt, because my instincts told me to let him lead, and that he was really needing "space"....so I didn't. This morning I told him that I have been "laying off" so to speak to give him space, not because I don't love him or want him. He said thanks, he was needing that and really needing sleep, so maybe I'm reading him right.
Since he's here where OW is today, I thought maybe he could use a little fun reminder of me, so I packed a little present in his lunch...we'll see what happens....every now and then I do a note or card...last week I found an old Pink Floyd CD that he doesnt have....I know it dates us, but they're one of his favorite groups, so I bought it for him. I wrapped it in notebook paper....on the outside I wrote "Open in Private.....Or not" and put a smiley face. On the inside I wrote "now that I have your attention, just wanted to tell you I thought of you when I saw this and thought you might enjoy it. Hope it's good. Have a good day, Love Deb"....I don't want to come on too strong yet, I believe he would perceive that as disrespectful, but I think he does like little gifts/things....often he'll send a thank you for a note or card.....
I bought several other CD's of old groups, so I can surprise him everynow and then with one....I have a few other ideas for surprises in mind.....so far non-sexual.... we'll see how it goes.......
, no long tender hugs and kisses yesterday, neither of us is sleeping well at all yet, however, he does say ILY, he IS wearing his wedding ring, wore it here to the same office where OW is for the first time in almost a year.....!!!!!!!He invited me to go for a walk with him last night, so we got to walk together for an hour, just chatted a little, both of us were kind of quiet....H lifted his weights and then came and sat at the table for a little bit where I was sitting...mostly we just sat quietly....It's almost like we are both so overwhelmed we don't know what to say....one weird thing though, when he got home last night he brought a purplish t-shirt I've never seen from somewhere and stashed it into the dirty clothes hamper....said "my shirt needs to be washed"....I didnt say anything or dig it out, but I bet anything it's something he gave her and got back.....for heavens sake, I never heard of getting back stuff like t-shirts.....she must really be washing her hands of him....If I look, I bet it's a Black Diamond Rock climbing shirt that he got last fall when he went to the mountains by himself....
