Thank you Debra, so much....but I really need your input now....I've been thinking I need to let H lead, but I'm kind of wondering what to expect as he goes through his loss and grieving....I'm seeing a lot of sadness and tearfulness, I'm wondering if he will become angry towards me again or if we are past that? I'm guessing he may become edgy and easily irritated...think I'm already seeing that.....I can see that I'm going to need to stay cool, calm and focused now more than ever.......thank god we have vacation coming up here in a little while....I think it's going to be a god-send.
congrats on your Son's graduation....that's a huge relief, isn't it? and a sense of accomplishment & victory!
Quote: I sort of knew to expect a flood of confusing emotions, but I am blown away by how blown away I am.....
I know. I found myself, a few days later, emotionally back almost to square one. All my nice, centered calm I had found...out the window! It was like I had been so focussed on the goal, I had just shut off a lot of my feelings. I'm finding I have to run back through the gauntlet again. (Although it's much quicker, since now I know the path. )
There were a couple of days I just completely crumbled when my H was there...I think I was just exhausted. Poor guy. Thougth he had done something wrong. Told him I just needed a good cry (time of the month may have also been a factor). I'm trying not to overwhelm him with all of this--but I do, personally, find it healing to be able to express a lot of this hurt (in a non-accusing way) with him. This usually just means me in complete tears. I had to tell H the other day, when he got this plaintive voice saying "But I'm trying to move out...I'm stuck in the lease" that I didn't expect him to fix anything, I just needed to vent my feelings (even though those, at the time, were all in tears).
I was also strangely more confident of H's desire to be with me at the end of the sep than I am now. Doesn't make sense, I know, but I'm suddenly very insecure about our R again.
Quote: I think it was you who told me to expect him to be kind of grumpy when he came back also, but any hints on what else to expect?
Withdrawal from OW. You can't say anything bad about her. He will defend her, say he lead her on, etc... H had this "best friend" during our first sep (Oct '03...all of three weeks, officially) whom he had a brief PA with. After we reconciled the first time, I was furious with how manipulative this woman was. (That w**** had the nerve to tell my H that I was too good for him, and then actually threatened to tell me they slept together...!!) For the longest time, he would tell me how he missed his friend, he missed talking to her...
It took him a long time to really see her deliberate behavior to try to come between us. I don't know what your H's OW was like...whether she was that blatantly manipulative...but he's going to be in mourning over that lost relationship for some time. All I can say is let him feel it, don't try to talk him out of it, it's a process he will have to go through.
Oh...somewhere someone said he should be the one to say "I'm sorry." I'm sure he does feel guilty. And there's nothing wrong with your needing some reassurance/admission of guilt on his part. By try not to push it too hard! My H felt miserable about what he had done, had put us both through, and somehow the apologies were never enough for me. I think that's what lead up to the second sep (the one that just ended.) Yes, allow yourself some time to be hurt, and he should say I'm sorry, but the best thing for you and your M is to, in time, let go of the whole thing. I know that won't be easy, but try not to build up resentment over what happened.
I also noticed that, a lot of things I had figured out as working with my H before--don't work anymore! I don't have to start completely over figuring him out, but I'm definately having to readjust our day-to-day interactions. I really didn't expect that.
A lot of the old stresses from our M have popped up...but they don't seem to be as a big of a deal. My H has actually changed, too, even though he didn't realize it. Great example of the butterfly effect.
Ohh...my H has also become paranoid that I want to leave him now. Not sure if this will be true with your H, but I find I actually have to give my H lots of reassurance, and remember I still need to keep validating. I think I've been slipping on validating lately.
Quote: I see we really are negotiating a new relationship here though, and that is exciting.....
I almost think this is the best part. H and I have been having so much fun lately, I haven't updated my thread in a while. (And he has become thoroughly baby-happy, of all things.) The last few times we were out together, we had gotten completely giddy again, and were just having a ton of fun being together.
I'm using this time to start some (non-pushy, when the tone is right) convos on what he and I both want/need out of an M. This is something I'm trying to be more gradual about, I don't want things to get to weighty to fast, I want us to be able to just relax and enjoy each other's company again.
Remember to have some fun! You're both dealing with a lot of heavy stuff right now, and you'll need time to blow off steam. H and I went and played putt-putt. But he'll probably still need some time to himself.
Quote: Can I ask what made you think this was coming?
The tone of your last several posts. I've been reading your thread for awhile, just didn't always comment. The way you described your H, he sounded depressed, really down-trodden. That he had gotten some things back from OW. And when you said he'd spent several nights crying in bed at night, well...that just clicked exactly with what my H did right before he wanted to reconcile.
Quote: Also, I really need any and all thoughts on what to do now, other than stay calm....
Don't throw out everything you've been doing just because the crisis is over. That will just put you back where you started.
You're doing great, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Hope this helps, I know it was a pretty long post.
thanks Nevanna, this helps a lot, and long is always good in my book.....I just really got "hit" with this all over lunch, but in a good way...I still can't believe my H is back....there were terrible dark days when I would come across OW's flowery mushy emails to him, and just die, thinking it was all over but the crying, and that if I had any sense I would throw in the towel to save myself more grief and pain..... I'm not really feeling anger or hurt right now, I think maybe I have already struggled through all of that...maybe, maybe not, but I sure wadded through a quagmire of it.... what I'm feeling right now is shock that we finally reached this point, and shock and awe and wonder and thankfulness that the love of my life evidently came to his senses enough to recognize that have had something special and wonderful all these years, that we had let it get dusty and even rusty, but all it ever needed was a good cleaning and polishing.
I think in the back of my mind is a tiny gnawing fear that he will still turn and go back, but he is in so much pain, and sounds so "final" when he says "she doesnt want to hear from me", that I think he must be certain. Also, in January, when we had a big fight/discussion, H told me that if he recommitted, I would be able to count on him ( I told him he needed to be sure because I couldnt go through this again)....
I guess as the dust in my head begins to settle, I start to feel incredibly excited...How awesome! we get the chance to build a new and better marriage instead of being stuck in the miserable rut we were in. And I am keenly aware of how much I love this guy...... It truely is a miracle. Maybe I should write a thank-you note to OW....although I'm not sure she would take it well...
At one time in one of his weeping spells saturday night, H raised his head off my shoulder, and with tears running down his cheeks said "at least you're nice to me....I really appreciate that".....I guess is doesnt matter, but I keep wondering what the heck he meant by that, especially since when the A came to light one of his excuses was "you were mean to me".... The guy was in so much emotional distress though, it doesnt seem like something to take lightly.....I wonder if he means nice to him in response to his efforts to "come back", or if OW "got mean" in order for them to break up?
One thing I've learned from this whole mess is that H is not the tough macho stalwart (sp) I always thought he was....he's more fragile I think than I am.....
Deb, That doesn't surprise me at all. I imagine that she put the screws to him to make a decision once and for all and when he did, she said "do not ever contact me again". And probably some other not-so-nice things! You have really held your head up high; I don't know how you did it but your H must be in awe and amazement of the powerful woman that he married right about now!
Honeypot, I bet you are right, I think that has to be it....months ago, H told me he "had in his mind" he would decide something by June.....he must have told OW same thing.....and over those months I would have to say emotionally he's moved closer to home....I'd almost bet she did put the screws to him to decide, and that would explain his look of totally being blown away when he said "you don't understand, she doesnt want to hear from me"....as I recall in the same discussion months ago when he told me "by June", he also said "I know she'll always be there if we don't work out"....I remember thinking at the time how incredibly gullible he was if he believed that.....
I bet she did give him an ultimatum.....and I bet she's pretty upset at him....
Now I get to start "romanting" this guy....soon as I figure out how, it's going to be fun! Weird, now it finally feels like it will be "ok" to go after my own husband...slowly, slowly, slowly of course....
another interesting thought occurred to me....I always thought maybe it would take awhile after he and OW parted ways before H put his ring back on....but he came home, went upstairs, got it out of the basket it's lain in for 9 or 10 months, and put it on.....I wonder if it's a security blanket kind of thing, defiance to OW, a symbol to me of his commitment, all of the above, none of the above......
It will be interesting....I know people at work have noticed him not wearing it, since he's been here for 15 years and always wore it until the last year, and these are folks trained to notice details. I'm sure they will notice him having it back on....so I guess his putting it on is really a big statement to the world......I wonder if anyone will comment? probably not....I'll just see raised eyebrows and unasked questions....
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I got my H!!!!!!!!!!and he wants me and us and our home and another 25 years together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I wasn't so tired and shocked I would be on cloud 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hmmmmmm, I can't help but be curious about OW's take on all this, I wonder if she is angry, upset, resigned, or just moving on, maybe she's already found someone else.....I know from when H has heard her on her cell at class that she can get pretty angry about stuff....and the way H has looked after I know he's been on the phone w/her sometimes, it can't have been pleasant conversations.
It's hard to believe she could be my biggest ally, as H said, my guess is she probably told him to go back to his wife and family because he obviously couldnt leave them anyway, and to stay away from her.... email at work is down, so I havent gotten to hear from H today.....
He may have been scared of her reaction to seeing him with his ring on. It sounds like he made the decision to return home (in spirit, not in body) long ago and is just now feeling that he can do it all the way. He might have been scared of upsetting her. You know, it sounds on the surface like a jackass thing to do..to be scared to upset your girlfriend and not your wife...but I'll bet he feels a tremendous amount of guilt for voluntarily accepting someone else into his life and then leaving them in the lurch, in the end.
Putting the ring on may have felt like he was rubbing it in her face, prior to last weekend. Once she told him to never contact him again, then he might have felt safe in wearing it.
Who knows, who cares!!!!
He is back and is back in full force it sounds like.
I am so happy for you!
P.S. I wouldn't even worry about the romance right now. Just do whatever feels natural and continue to be the upbeat and loving person that you are. Then when the dust settles you can get a better picture of what would work in your new R!
or if we are past that? I'm guessing he may become edgy and easily irritated...think I'm already seeing that.....I can see that I'm going to need to stay cool, calm and focused now more than ever.......thank god we have vacation coming up here in a little while....I think it's going to be a god-send.
) 
Told him I just needed a good cry (time of the month may have also been a factor). I'm trying not to overwhelm him with all of this--but I do, personally, find it healing to be able to express a lot of this hurt (in a non-accusing way) with him. This usually just means me in complete tears. I had to tell H the other day, when he got this plaintive voice saying "But I'm trying to move out...I'm stuck in the lease" that I didn't expect him to fix anything, I just needed to vent my feelings (even though those, at the time, were all in tears).
But he'll probably still need some time to himself. 