Morphing into a Red Hot Momma 5

[Nevanna]

Okay, this is going to be loooong...

I sort of knew to expect a flood of confusing emotions, but I am blown away by how blown away I am.....

I know. I found myself, a few days later, emotionally back almost to square one. All my nice, centered calm I had found...out the window! It was like I had been so focussed on the goal, I had just shut off a lot of my feelings. I'm finding I have to run back through the gauntlet again. (Although it's much quicker, since now I know the path. )

There were a couple of days I just completely crumbled when my H was there...I think I was just exhausted. Poor guy. Thougth he had done something wrong. Told him I just needed a good cry (time of the month may have also been a factor). I'm trying not to overwhelm him with all of this--but I do, personally, find it healing to be able to express a lot of this hurt (in a non-accusing way) with him. This usually just means me in complete tears. I had to tell H the other day, when he got this plaintive voice saying "But I'm trying to move out...I'm stuck in the lease" that I didn't expect him to fix anything, I just needed to vent my feelings (even though those, at the time, were all in tears).

I was also strangely more confident of H's desire to be with me at the end of the sep than I am now. Doesn't make sense, I know, but I'm suddenly very insecure about our R again.

I think it was you who told me to expect him to be kind of grumpy when he came back also, but any hints on what else to expect?

Withdrawal from OW. You can't say anything bad about her. He will defend her, say he lead her on, etc... H had this "best friend" during our first sep (Oct '03...all of three weeks, officially) whom he had a brief PA with. After we reconciled the first time, I was furious with how manipulative this woman was. (That w**** had the nerve to tell my H that I was too good for him, and then actually threatened to tell me they slept together...!!) For the longest time, he would tell me how he missed his friend, he missed talking to her...

It took him a long time to really see her deliberate behavior to try to come between us. I don't know what your H's OW was like...whether she was that blatantly manipulative...but he's going to be in mourning over that lost relationship for some time. All I can say is let him feel it, don't try to talk him out of it, it's a process he will have to go through.

Oh...somewhere someone said he should be the one to say "I'm sorry." I'm sure he does feel guilty. And there's nothing wrong with your needing some reassurance/admission of guilt on his part. By try not to push it too hard! My H felt miserable about what he had done, had put us both through, and somehow the apologies were never enough for me. I think that's what lead up to the second sep (the one that just ended.) Yes, allow yourself some time to be hurt, and he should say I'm sorry, but the best thing for you and your M is to, in time, let go of the whole thing. I know that won't be easy, but try not to build up resentment over what happened.

I also noticed that, a lot of things I had figured out as working with my H before--don't work anymore! I don't have to start completely over figuring him out, but I'm definately having to readjust our day-to-day interactions. I really didn't expect that.

A lot of the old stresses from our M have popped up...but they don't seem to be as a big of a deal. My H has actually changed, too, even though he didn't realize it. Great example of the butterfly effect.

Ohh...my H has also become paranoid that I want to leave him now. Not sure if this will be true with your H, but I find I actually have to give my H lots of reassurance, and remember I still need to keep validating. I think I've been slipping on validating lately.

I see we really are negotiating a new relationship here though, and that is exciting.....

I almost think this is the best part. H and I have been having so much fun lately, I haven't updated my thread in a while. (And he has become thoroughly baby-happy, of all things.) The last few times we were out together, we had gotten completely giddy again, and were just having a ton of fun being together.

I'm using this time to start some (non-pushy, when the tone is right) convos on what he and I both want/need out of an M. This is something I'm trying to be more gradual about, I don't want things to get to weighty to fast, I want us to be able to just relax and enjoy each other's company again.

Remember to have some fun! You're both dealing with a lot of heavy stuff right now, and you'll need time to blow off steam. H and I went and played putt-putt. But he'll probably still need some time to himself.

Can I ask what made you think this was coming?

The tone of your last several posts. I've been reading your thread for awhile, just didn't always comment. The way you described your H, he sounded depressed, really down-trodden. That he had gotten some things back from OW. And when you said he'd spent several nights crying in bed at night, well...that just clicked exactly with what my H did right before he wanted to reconcile.

Also, I really need any and all thoughts on what to do now, other than stay calm....

Don't throw out everything you've been doing just because the crisis is over. That will just put you back where you started.

You're doing great, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Hope this helps, I know it was a pretty long post.