I thought I would try to post my chronicle/update...my mind is such a blur today....and was worse yesterday...I'm just over whelmed...it's so bad I went through the drive through at Mcdonalds on the way to work this morning to get coffee, paid for it, and drove right through and forgot to pick it up. Maybe I need to take a sick day....I havent slept for 2 days, this is all so weird when something finally happens that you've worked so long and hard for.... Sat. eve. H got home about 6:30-I was watering flowers and saw he came from direction of OW's (ulp)...I have hoped and prayed that he was being truthful about not going there, but think he has but I guess it doesnt matter now. I was in the kitchen when H came downstairs and started setting up the coffee maker. I noticed he was wearing his wedding ring...I about fainted but acted "as if" nothing was different, didn't say a word.
H went outside to do chores, came back in a little later wanting my car keys to put it in....I started to walk by him to get them, stopped, told him I had to give him a hug, and somehow it evolved into a tearful, 1/2 hour long hug/discussion/recommitment. H told me "it's over, everything is completely over, no phone calls, no nothing, you don't have to worry"...I've realized you are the one I love and someone else realizes it too. We were meant to be together".
I told him I've been working on trying to write him a letter to tell him I understand how things came about and that I was sorry for letting him down the way I did, that I had always loved him and never intended for things to get so off track and intend for them not to ever again. H said it was ok, the important thing is for us to forward now and that we could have another 25 good years together. H said there was no way he could leave me, our home, our children, the "critters", our grandchildren to come, and no way he could put S through what D does to kids.
All I could say through my tears was "thanks", and that I was committed to learning to love him the way he needs and wants to be loved, but I need him to help me know what that is and how to go about it.
H was very mournful and tearful a little later, and saying that he was going to get his priorities straight, that it wasnt worth doing all the paperwork on weekends (makes me think he wasnt!!) because he wouldnt get a raise anyway, and that he was going to make it a priority to be home so we could enjoy the weekends, that we would go to church together every week, and he could do things w/S
H became very mournful and tearful a little later, we were standing in the kitchen and his face was all flushed and contorted....I put my arms around him and said "I know this has to be very hard for you, and I'm so sorry, I want to do what I can to help", and he put his head on my shoulder and cryed like a little kid, said he's made such a helluva mess for 3 people that it was just horrible, how he had made plans to commit suicide last winter....that "it" had been real, it wasnt an infatuation.....and cried and cried and cried and cried....he said I was an incredible person and "thanks for never giving up"....I told him I still had a lot of work to do on "me" and he said "I have faith in you"....
He asked if we could just turn off the tv and sit on the couch and talk....we did for a while, then H was so wiped out, he said he thought he'd just go up to bed, would it be possible that I could come up pretty soon and hold him, because he was really needing that....I told him sure, so by 8:30 on Saturday night we were in bed. H cried and cried, acutually kissed my hands, told me I was his treasure....hugged me, put his head on my chest, totally out of character......neither of us slept well at all though.....
Sunday morning H was supposedly doing weights, I had to run to the store so I went down stairs to ask if he needed anything....he was in the room where he calls OW from with door shut and light on....I said his name and he came out and said "I wasnt on the phone!" I said "I didn't ask, I just wanted to see if you need anything from the store"....said he didn't...when I got back he was still in and out of that room more than he was doing his weights, I'm guessing he must have his letter, pics, and emails stashed down there and was going through them in mourning....
When he came upstairs, I lost control and said "are you really not calling?" and he said "You aren't getting it....it is completely and totally and absolutely over....she doesnt want to hear from me". I told him I was sorry for asking, he said "I don't blame you, but it is all over. I think she is your biggest ally in this" I asked what he meant by that and he said "she believes we need to stay together, that there's too much there for us not to. And no one can disagree with that"....
We kind of went through the rest of the day in a daze....I got some cleaning done in our bedroom, watched a little D-day tv w/h (he seemed disappointed and asked "you arent going to watch this? when I said I was going to clean)we did talk about plans for the future, getting his weight room fixed up, the camper going, etc.....neither of us could sleep well again last night, at one time H was grumpy that I was making it even harder for him to sleep, then apologized for being grumpy....
And then we go through our rushing routine this morning to get to work....BUT H IS WEARING HIS WEDDING RING! That's how I always knew I would be able to tell when it was over and he was "back"....It seemed so far away and impossible for so long, I still am in shock and can't believe it.
