Hi all, thanks so much for the input. I get so much help to keep going just from reading it. Not to mention that I don't know what I would be like by now if it wasnt for this board. yesterday we went to the funeral of H's family friend, kind of his "2nd mom", and I know H was deeply affected. we had an hour drive each way, and while I was supportive of H, I just had the oddest feeling of being disconnected from the whole sitch....I found myself thinking, considering, debating in my mind "maybe I should just leave"....really weird....sort of like I've done all I can do, maybe it's time.....Although I really love him and don't want that at all.... In the night H had a nightmare that made him scream, he actually screamed 4 times and it woke me up, to say the least. I patted him and asked if he was ok....he was really shook. He was still shook in the morning, and it took him awhile to tell me about it. he dreamed he was looking out our living room window, and a black spot came slowly in the sky from a long way off, got bigger and bigger as it got closer, and then it was the "grim reaper" looking in the window at him.....Probably related to the funeral, but strange that he should have that, he said it was so real and vivid. I feel like it has to do with mlc issues as well, H has been talking alot about this kind of stuff lately.
H seems closer and warmer today, but I'm more anxious than I have been for a while. I guess partly because it's so hard not to get my hopes up. H initiated ML this morning, and was more tender than he has been lately. He held me afterwards, which he hasnt been doing lately, and snuggled, and of course that's all it takes to melt my heart.
jumping around here, but last night H told me "thanks for supper" again....this seems so small, but is such a change from how he's been for years, I cling to the hope that it means something.
H is supposedly at the office now, I hope and pray he is but am really struggling with asking him if he's still seeing OW...I don't know, it just is so still hard for me to let go of....before he left, he gave me a long, tender kiss and hug....didnt rush off....talked about maybe we will finally have some time to relax on vacation, and how hectic life is. He should be back in an hour.
Yesterday S and I saw OW when we went into Target....poor S was so shook, I noticed her car as we were going in the door, and he actually wanted to know if we should leave and go somewhere else. I told him no, that we weren't going to live our lives on egg shells and running away from her and just to come on and we'd do our business. So as we get IN the door she's at the check out counter, don't know if she saw us, but it's probably hard to miss....S blurts out "there she is"! and points, so I had to step in front of him and calm him down, but he said loudly "my god she looks like a man with that stupid wacked off haircut...her hair looks like mine". I didn't get a good look but it looked like it was kind of spiked out all around, kind of "punky".....I wonder if SHE'S trying to update her look to compete?????huh, I could be wrong but I don't think that's what H goes for.....he was talking about another gal at work not being very feminine, so I know he notices those things.
Oh God I hope he's not still seeing her, that he's at work right now, and that I can keep my mouth shut.....I also hope he absolutely Hates OW's new hair cut. Gotta go water flowers and balance the check book, which is in bad bad shape, I'm afraid.
If anybody has any inspiration or insight, I can sure use it.
