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I have come to the realization that I cant force the process on him, I can only (perhaps) help it along, and the most effective way to do that, I believe, is by meeting his emotional needs and making our M and home a safe place to be....



This was the biggest thing, for me, I think, that lead to H's coming home. I know he wanted to for quite some time, just somehow couldn't. When I really began to understand how to meet H's emotional needs, he was suddenly coming around more and more often, and began calling me multiple times during the day.

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My H has told me before that I deserve better than him and that he can't be forgiven.....



H said that, too, right before he left me. (Well, kicked me out. ) After telling him that wasn't true for a very long time...I finally decided to try to show him instead. I started telling him what a good guy he was, how affectionate he was, how thoughtful--tried to build up his ego, basically, since I felt like he had no self-esteem. I made sure he knew every time he did something that made me feel good. I realized that I had always thought about how much I appreciated him, but he didn't know that.

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.....last winter he was actually considering suicide, he was so down over this mess. I really believe he was considering it.




H and I both hit that point. This may sound pretty pathetic, but the only thing that kept me going those first few days and weeks was the slim hope that I might be able to be with him again, no matter how far down the road that was going to be.

With my H, the biggest help was giving him that comfort zone so that he could move back at his own pace. He had already basically opened up to me again, and we were acting like a couple again, even before he officially recommitted. We talked about it some...he told me that what helped him was that I let him come back when he was ready. I stopped pressing, I didn't ask him to, I just let
him get comfortable again.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and rambling in the process, is that the best thing you can do is create an environment where your H can feel emotionally safe again. Where he won't feel judged for how he feels.

Oh...and the other thing I think helped me out...I stopped thinking of it as "alien" behavior. I finally, really, truly understood how that aspect of his personality fit in with the rest. Which meant that I accepted him, wholey and completely, which I had never truly done before.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]