Quote: I found it interesting that in the rebuilding marriage part it talks about the victimized writing a letter of apology. I have thought of doing this for months, started to do it several times, but it didnt seem to be "good DBing" and might have seemed like pursuing, so I havent....but, my instincts are still nagging at me about this, so I think I may give it a shot.
If you feel like it would help, you should do it. I have found that following your gut works better than the established DB guidelines almost every time. I think an apology letter, with no ILY or that sort of thing, is a good idea.
Looking back, I think my H was wavering back and forth for a couple of weeks before he finally did make the decision to recommit to me. And I think I did a couple of key things, especially that night, to let him feel comfortable enough to do so. It's not just about whether or not the WAS wants to come back--it's also they need to feel that they can, that the avenue is still open. In all honesty, I think the guilt is actually a factor in keeping the WAS away--I know it was with my H, which seems kind of backwards.
H came back when I had finally let go. (Never mind we were spending a lot of time together--but I mean emotionally.) When I realized I couldn't do anything to make him change his mind...he had to come back on his own, because he wanted to be with me. (H said almost the exact same thing to me over the weekend.) So, earlier in the night, I told H a couple of things. I told him I had completely forgiven him for any and all past trasngressions--his PA during the first sep, the horrible experience of getting kicked out of his apartment, all of it. That it didn't matter, I had let go. I had completely forgiven him.
Then, I later asked him what was stopping him from coming home. This is where he really broke down on me, got so upset and was just crying and crying. After much validating here...that's when he said he wanted to be with me.
I found out later he hadn't slept for several days in a row, had just been up all night crying.
I'm not saying you can force this process along...just that make sure he knows, and I mean really knows, that you're open and willing and available to forgive him and be there for him.
