Got this site from SuitedUp. I am reading some of it to my H. It's a great site, if you haven't already been there. Here is a file you should read - front to end.
Hi Dawn, so good to hear from you. obviously we were posting at the same time. I've wondered about the performance anxiety issue, just never knew it to be an issue for him. Of course, we've never been in this kind of a "pickle" before.
You and Debra are right, I believe, that I need to let him know I am willing to listen to whatever is upsetting him if he wants to share it....and you're absolutely right that I need to steel myself to deal with what he may need to say. I guess it could be taken as uncaring that I don't offer to hear what he might want to share. I've worried that it would seem intrusive or pursuing, but I guess the important thing would be to let him know it's up to him, and to be willing but not pushy. Boy these are tricky sitchs, arent they?
You mentioned a few posts back about having an A with your H. How about some handcuffs and massage oil and such? There is nothing like going to an adult store and having someone say "here is our bondage dept". (I had that happen this past week). They even make handcuffs with fluff on them so you don't hurt your hands.
That was my second visit ever to an adult store - the first time was a couple of years ago and I turned red and freaked slightly (ex-b was there). He didn't believe this time I'd not go a bit nuts, and I didn't - he wasn't there this time, which was fine. Though I think it'd have been a lot more fun with him. I don't like everything they sell (eww), but if nothing else, it adds a little more to the fun I'm having with ex-b.
Anyway...just some thoughts to spice things up. If ex-b and I never get together in a committed way, he'll have a lot to look back on.
Hi Rottz, thanks for your input....yes, I agree, EVERYONE would be so much better off if he would just END IT ALREADY! even he would be better off....he is so inexperienced about such things, honestly I think he's clueless and can't see that. I wish I could shake him hard enough to get it through his thick skull (that doesnt sound very loving and respectful, does it?)
I A$$ume you mean in #2 he isnt going anywhere in your opinion?
Thanks for the marriage builders website....it's a good one and I think I found it before i found this one, and have used the love bank concept...I've read a lot of the stuff there but I think there is new stuff since I've checked it out, so I'm going back to go through it some more. I found it interesting that in the rebuilding marriage part it talks about the victimized (oh, how I detest that word, don't have a better one at the moment) writing a letter of apology. I have thought of doing this for months, started to do it several times, but it didnt seem to be "good DBing" and might have seemed like pursuing, so I havent....but, my instincts are still nagging at me about this, so I think I may give it a shot. It's a pretty scary thing to do when you think about it. I guess maybe I should post it here first....
I wish I could get my H to read some of this....of course, I'm sure he has, this is what he does professionally, and I'm NOT LOL....I know he has many of Michelles books and has attended her professional training seminars, as well as numerous others.....sigh.....so here I am, still trying to outfox the fox......anyway, thanks for the marriage builders reminder, looks like there are good things there to be had still.... also, congrats on your news, I saw your thread this morning and havent gotten posted to you...hope to soon....but that is so great!!!!!! (can I say I told you so? I swear, I just "felt it" coming for you!).
Yes, I think that sounds like some fun stuff to maybe try...I have gotten some toys, and H likes them....sometimes I think he has too much fun trying them out on me....I agree some of the stuff is too much for me...a little scary even, but some it's fun. I've tried to get H to go with me, but problem is, some of his clients work there, or he's afraid he'll run in to some of them, so I havent been able to get him to go. Plus the fact that I think he's shy'er (sp?) than he wants to admit about sex...I'm definitely going to try the massage stuff though, and I saw some KamaSutra cards I thought I would get and put in his lunch every now and then. But, I have to slow down a little on the sex stuff right now since he's kind of one this kick of "it's not all about sex" and that it's "Insulting that you think all I think about is sex" I guess it's kind of like trying to figure out how to have a sexless affair w/my H????????weird, weird, weird......
Say, I tried to post to you this morning, and it looks like your thread is locked up! I did get a chance to read through and catch up though. It looks like things are really going well for you!
Quote: I found it interesting that in the rebuilding marriage part it talks about the victimized writing a letter of apology. I have thought of doing this for months, started to do it several times, but it didnt seem to be "good DBing" and might have seemed like pursuing, so I havent....but, my instincts are still nagging at me about this, so I think I may give it a shot.
If you feel like it would help, you should do it. I have found that following your gut works better than the established DB guidelines almost every time. I think an apology letter, with no ILY or that sort of thing, is a good idea.
Looking back, I think my H was wavering back and forth for a couple of weeks before he finally did make the decision to recommit to me. And I think I did a couple of key things, especially that night, to let him feel comfortable enough to do so. It's not just about whether or not the WAS wants to come back--it's also they need to feel that they can, that the avenue is still open. In all honesty, I think the guilt is actually a factor in keeping the WAS away--I know it was with my H, which seems kind of backwards.
H came back when I had finally let go. (Never mind we were spending a lot of time together--but I mean emotionally.) When I realized I couldn't do anything to make him change his mind...he had to come back on his own, because he wanted to be with me. (H said almost the exact same thing to me over the weekend.) So, earlier in the night, I told H a couple of things. I told him I had completely forgiven him for any and all past trasngressions--his PA during the first sep, the horrible experience of getting kicked out of his apartment, all of it. That it didn't matter, I had let go. I had completely forgiven him.
Then, I later asked him what was stopping him from coming home. This is where he really broke down on me, got so upset and was just crying and crying. After much validating here...that's when he said he wanted to be with me.
I found out later he hadn't slept for several days in a row, had just been up all night crying.
I'm not saying you can force this process along...just that make sure he knows, and I mean really knows, that you're open and willing and available to forgive him and be there for him.
Thanks for the heads-up, I had no idea I was locked! I have started a new thread. Nothing exciting, but it's mine.
As far as toys...you can buy them online too, and you may want to get some and leave them in an area he can see them. Don't push him, but it may give him some ideas.
Hey Deb, thanks for the congrats. I second Nevanna's response, sometimes it's good to go with your gut. DB is awesome, don't get me wrong. I would NOT be where I am today if it weren't for Michele and her principles. However, it's not cut in stone, and obviously she is not the only one with an approach that works.
Some of marriage builders site goes against DB principles explicitly, like complete honesty. I am on the fence about this. I always believed in complete honesty, but then what Michele says about sometimes doing nice things or not sharing bad thoughts makes sense also.
Hey, I got my "handcuffs" from the local hair accessory and fashion jewelry store. It's just some Chinese fabric meant to be hair ties. They are silky and soft, and don't look obtrusive.
And, yes, #2 was that I don't think he's going anywhere. How's the weight loss? I'm caving - H keeps buying me ice cream -which I can't say no to - and fried foods - which I don't even really like, but somehow don't say no to.
I just reread the Marriage Builders Information....I have read it before, except I don't think I ever read the letters from the lovers before....It did help me understand why H has such a hard time breaking away from her, I bet because of her desperation and he is a good guy..... I've read and debated the part about making him leave before, and I don't know, I REALLY do not want to do this....I can see many more disadvantages than advantages to it, I keep hoping I can find the strength and patience to wait it out. I know they fight and argue....and are quite unhappy....When I look at the state of our M, it is much, much better than it has been for years, and it would be hard to get to this point if we were not together. I don't know, any thoughts on this? I know that Dobson and Harley both advocate leaving, but my personal belief system is more in line with that of DB, so I guess that's another part of why I'm so resistant to it.
Can affairs fizzle out on their own if you don't seperate? If so, Are there other things any one sees that I could do to help it fizzle out faster?
I do believe this must be part of H's of/on impetus about finding another job.....
Nevanna, thank you, this is very helpful....I am very close to the point of letting go....I have come to the realization that I cant force the process on him, I can only (perhaps) help it along, and the most effective way to do that, I believe, is by meeting his emotional needs and making our M and home a safe place to be....I honestly feel like I have forgiven him, have let it go....and am certainly ready to move on....I certainly recognize the ways in which I failed to meet his needs, and no matter what anyone says that was a part of the equation, he really truely is a great person, not just an "alley cat" out looking for a good time. I've had to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving myself for those failings before I've been able to write the letter. Even the thought is very humbling.
