I read you "red hot question". haha I once asked my H why this happens and he told me....basically performance anxiety. Trying to make it last, apparently, can make it go away. Poor guys, I really do feel for them. And sometimes he says that he gets so wrapped up in my responses that it feels like his own....if you know what I mean. Anyway, he reassured me that it has nothing to do with me....and I think maybe that's what worries us the most.
As for your other question.....the big one....I personally don't think that your husband is going anywhere. You are right, all signs point to the fact that he is struggling but at the same time he is staying put.
I like Debra's idea about asking him about his feelings when he is upset. I have often wondered why he is so obvious with his feelings. It does seem as if he is wanting you to ask. (Same tone as his 'not-so-secret'hiding places?)
When and if he does open up be prepared, it may hurt, or more likely anger you. Be ready to validate.
Maybe a line something like...."you know I am ready to listen even if you think it might hurt me". (Catch is you have to mean that.)
