Darn! I just realized my thread got locked right after I posted an important question last night! How disappointing! anyway, heres the link to my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=714295&page=1&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1 I think I will start this then go back and post my question separately and go from there. I feel desparate for input today gang, although nothing "bad" has happened, impatience rearing her head I guess.
OK, here's the sex question I was "pondering" yesterday evening, the one I posted just before my thread got locked.
I have a sex question that is kind of scary to me, this may not be the place to post it, but I'm ASSuming someone who would read it here would know a little bit about my sitch, so maybe would have insight. I can't believe I would ask such questions, talk about 180's, but anyway, here goes.
2x in the last month or so H's erection would "come and go" as we ML....another 2x he didn't have an erection as we began foreplay....I've never known this to happen before, and I'm kind of curious what could be behind it. I worry of course that he's been w/OW, but I don't think he could have been at those times. He has been taking an antibiotic for sinus infection and decongestants and antihistimines. I know some meds can cause this type of thing....what else would cause it? stress? worry? guilt? not being interested (although he generally just says so if he's not in the mood)
I don't know what to think........ I've not responded, just acted "as if" nothing was different or I didn't notice, and things "recovered" so to speak, so I guess that's the way to handle this?
I think I'll move my post from yesterday evening (before the sex question) over here for "tracking" so.....
S and I were gone when H got home, I left a note but he didn't find it....he seemed pretty grumpy when we pulled in, asked 2x before I could even answer where we had been. When he finally slowed down enough to hear me answer, I asked for a smooch and he came over and gave me one, I made a suggestion and he said "maybe later"....evidently he's had a couple of really crappy days at work that contribute to his grumpyiness.
S told me he asked his dad on Sunday if he was off work Monday, and his dad answered "well kind of" grumpily, as if he had to do something he didnt want to do, like go in to the office. I HOPE that's it! theres a new phone card in his hiding place beside the computer, so I was right about that....o well, it's not a surprise.
I've been thinking about ChristineE's comment on her new thread about having an A with her H.....I would love to, but I can't figure out how to go about it when he is kind of keeping his distance right now. I feel sure that if I go too hot and heavy after him, he's gonna run the opposite direction, so I've not come up with much of a clue of how to maintain grace and calm and initiate an A with him....he is really pretty turned off by blatant sexual overtures right now...........According to what others have posted this is likely/maybe because he feels like he's betraying her?
I was so tired today, I got off the wrong freeway exit not once, not twice, but 3X.
Deb, I think you nailed it with the "stress, worry, guilt" and I would add one more: depression.
I think he is still interested but, well, think about how YOU would feel if you had done something this horrible (and were still doing it, in a lot of ways) to your spouse. My goodness, the guilt alone would eat me alive.
I'm sure that he is thinking, Yeah Deb is hot..I want her so bad...but then HOW could I have done this to her?? She deserves so much better than me! And next thing you know, Mr. Happy isn't playing anymore.
I wouldn't worry about it, and definitely don't use it as a guage of your attractiveness or how much he loves you. Just do as you have done and work your magic until he gets his head back in the game.
update from last night: H walked for 2.5 hours; I believe he was walking because he was hot and sweaty when he got home....I had food ready for him when he got home, served it to him and sat at the table with him...he actually asked "have you guys already eaten", and I recall him saying before that he doesnt like to eat alone, so I'm trying to incorporate this into some of what I do based in part on Nevanna's post on my last thread about "no-strings attached affection" seeming to really get her H's attention. Interestingly enough, H thanked me for supper....I think this is 5 times in the last 2 weeks he's done this (yes I'm counting) when he hasnt done it in 25 years! the thing is, he couldnt have been thanking me for the food, because it wasn't much....just steak fingers and french fries and ice cream (nutritional nightmare, I know!) so I believe the "company" and "acts of service" must be working....so this is something for me to count in the "what works" column.
Later I put my arms around him and gave him a big hug, and told him how nice it felt to hold him and how I had been looking foward to it all day....rubbed his shoulders a little....he actually put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder, stood there relaxed for a minute, and said "it does feel good"....then we had a long, NICE, passionate kiss....nothing more, still trying the "no strings attached affection" ala Nevanna....a little later he said he was going to the basement to do some sit ups (I didn't question or snoop, but that's kind of unusual)...H asked if I was going to go to bed pretty soon, I told him I needed to straighten the kitchen a little and take the dogs out, and then was planning to....H said he would take the dogs out! that is unusual....that's my official task! I had hoped to ML, but when we got in bed, H said he was so tired....I told him that was OK, I was to, snuggled up to him and told him again how great that in itself is....we both just went to sleep. I wanted to ML, but didnt pressure or push, kept thinking of the "no strings attached affection",trying to separate romance from sex and what would I do if I was having an affair with him. He actually kind of mumbled "thanks" and seemed happy.
This morning H was warm and friendly but rushed....gave little kisses and hugs. It was interesting to me that he was again adamantly talking about getting his resume sent off this weekend, and would I bring the stuff in from the car for him (I've had it all done and ready for weeks, he seems to lose interest so I don't say anything about it)
I cant help but wonder if his fluctuating motivation to get it sent has to do w/state of A w/OW.....I feel like he will not be able to completely end contact until one of them works in a different place. MIL is worried that H will have to drive by OW's town to where the new job would be located, but I'm not sure that would be as big a problem as them working in the same place....I personally would miss having him as a coworker to collaborate with, but my instincts tell me our M would have a better chance.
D called to talk to her Dad while we were sitting at the table....she was talking loudly enought that I could hear a lot of what she said, but I played dumb and kept reading the paper.... she was talking to H about my brother wanting to do a surprise party for my b-day at the lake, and who should be invited besides family....H said he would need to give it some thought and it might take him a few weeks. when they hung up, I asked H what was going on and he said D was asking about S going to visit her H (true) and "Part of it is secret" and he looked smuggly happy/pleased with himself. the interesting thing to me is he was receptive to D's idea, mention of a party, even sounded kind of happy about it....My birthday is not until the end of September....I would think he would be hedging/avoiding if he was planning to leave for OW.
I read you "red hot question". haha I once asked my H why this happens and he told me....basically performance anxiety. Trying to make it last, apparently, can make it go away. Poor guys, I really do feel for them. And sometimes he says that he gets so wrapped up in my responses that it feels like his own....if you know what I mean. Anyway, he reassured me that it has nothing to do with me....and I think maybe that's what worries us the most.
As for your other question.....the big one....I personally don't think that your husband is going anywhere. You are right, all signs point to the fact that he is struggling but at the same time he is staying put.
I like Debra's idea about asking him about his feelings when he is upset. I have often wondered why he is so obvious with his feelings. It does seem as if he is wanting you to ask. (Same tone as his 'not-so-secret'hiding places?)
When and if he does open up be prepared, it may hurt, or more likely anger you. Be ready to validate.
Maybe a line something like...."you know I am ready to listen even if you think it might hurt me". (Catch is you have to mean that.)
I know this is whistling in the dark, but I guess I need to reassure myself. I have to believe that if H was going to leave for OW, things would be worse, not better over all. that he would be pulling away more than what he is. I don't think he would be saying thanks for things he took for granted before, doing tiny acts of serve, sounding sincere when he says ILY (he's responding again) and sometimes offering that unsolicited, I don't think he would be talking about needing a new lawn mower but wanting to wait until they go on sale in the fall, emailing me to ask how my day is each day, telling me hugs feel good (forgot to mention, last night he said he was glad to hear I'd been wanting to hug him).....talking about needing to simplify OUR life....why would he get coat & trumpet back from OW if he was going there? why would he be crying and depressed after talking to her? (ok, maybe because he has to figure out how to break it off w/me) but why would she be speaking angrily into phone when S overhears her at class and then we get home and H looks like he was hit by a truck? If he was going to go with her, why would he bother to hide his phone calls to her from me - or at least try to-? Why would he be receptive to D's discussion of a B-day party for me in the fall? I would think he would at least be cool or dismissive instead of sounding enthusiastic. Why would he be starting to go back to church with me? Why would he tell his folks he was really proud of me? Why would he initiate kisses now more than he ever has? even if they're little pecks?
I don't know, I still get so afraid and confused, but I just cant believe these are the actions of some one who is getting ready to leave a long term marriage....
Are they? I really don't know....my instincts tell me that's not how he would be acting if he was leaving, but I have no facts/experience to base this on.......
1. performance anxiety 2. going nowhere 3. going through withdrawals - and not helping himself by making it last longer, I may add. It would be better for both of you if he just BROKE IT OFF!!!
