Last night, H was talking about his friend who is going through a D. He said he wished he could show him the MB tapes, because he has learned SO much from watching it and reading.
I am on Cloud 9 right now, guys. Not only is my H watching the tapes (which used to be against his will) but he is learning, retaining the knowledge, and ENJOYING it!
An incredible testimony to DBing in general. Remember, I had no patience and screwed up a lot. It's the method that saved me. It was not fighting back, but validating instead. He no longer could see me as an enemy when I put myself on his side.
Last night, he sat on the phone for an hour with his friend and taught him some of the lessons he has learned from tapes and books. His friend thinks his W wants to get back together, and my H told his friend that things can never go back the way they were, they will need to make time for each other for the rest of their lives, to make sure their love languages are met, even if they don't understand the other's needs, they have to meet them, and on and on.
I almost cried when I sat there listening to him - it was like I finally realized it not only has sank in, it has become part of his belief system.
You're right, growing, it's not much longer before things are back to normal.
H held up the phone so I could listen in on the conversation with his friend. Friend said before he left, he told his W he loved her and she just turned around and walked back inside. But his friend was convinced she didn't have to say anything because he knows his W loves him. H told friend that perhaps she wasn't feeling love then and his friend may be reading something that isn't there just because he wants to believe in it so bad. Later, I asked him if that was how he had felt. He said no, he was just playing devil's advocate.
We talked about how when you are doing something bad, like his friend's W is seeing another man (that's why she left him) then it's hard to have feelings for your spouse because you want to believe they are bad. I asked H if he felt like that at one point. He said no. He just didn't want to say to his friend that he doesn't think his W loves him anymore because it would hurt him too much. I explained that I always knew my H loved me and that's what kept me going. I said that I know he loves me now, and I can see it growing more each day back to where we were.
You guys, another GREAT DBing moment, my H actually smiled - really smiled - at that idea. I could see he agreed and does love me, but maybe isn't ready to commit the words yet. He has given me the "ILY" signal, but still hasn't said the words out loud.
We talked about how the EA he had was with a skinny girl. He says he didn't want to admit but maybe good looks are important to him. H doesn't want to believe he can be that shallow. We talked about how he used to always say how beautiful I was and be so proud of me. He says he still thinks I am beautiful, even with 50 extra pounds, but just isn't attracted to me sexually.
It's pretty obvious to me that once I lose more weight, H will be attracted to me. Hey, it's important to me also. After a lifetime of healthy eating and exercise, being involved in the bodybuilding lifestyle and around other people that keep fitness very close to their hearts, I can't believe I have gotten to this point. But I have, and I'm working hard to rectify it.
In the meantime, H is coming to terms with the fact that perhaps my extra weight contributed to his lack of sexual feelings for me. He thinks it means he is less of a nice person, but I think it's just chemistry and makes sense.
Plus, it's something concrete I can work on and fix. It's something that can be changed, and I am glad that it may be the reason because now I have an enemy that I can fight against.
I'm so busy at work, so I am sorry to my DB friends that I am not posting to you all lately. Please forgive me.
I just want to keep you all updated in the hopes that the PMA of the board will be raised. I remember when things weren't going so good for many people here and it was hard for me to hang onto my PMA for a long time. Very hard, but I did it and I think it paid off. Being depressed does nothing good for DBing, so keep your spirits up and BELIEVE.
thats great news and what a testimonal to the DB method. I guess I should have taken it as a sign when ex didn't want to listen to the tapes "keeping love alive", but I'm glad you h is learning as well as enjoying them. I wish my ex would be interested in reading your stitch. I am also glad that when I read that you are loosing weight for YOURSELF and losing it is a plus as far as your H is concerned
Hey all, new revelation. Last night, H and I went to watch tape 2 of the MB and our VCR wasn't working. So, instead, I read parts III and IV of the infidelity printout from the marriagebuilders website.
Well, we went over everything and I told him that he made me feel good the other day and I didn't feel as if I have to bring it up anymore. We agreed to leave his EA in our past and move forward. I feel as if I have all the answers already.
Well, we talked about how special our M is and how lucky we are to have a R like we do where we are each other's best friend and companion and many people would be jealous to have our R. Then, I said "now we just have to get you back to where you need to be." He asked what I meant, and I told him "you don't feel the same about me as you used to." He acted surprised, as if he had forgotten how we got here.
New revelation, when things are going well, don't remind them of why they were bad. I think he honestly forgot that he doesn't "feel the in-love" feelings anymore. It's almost as if it wasn't a priority, and now I've reminded him of it.
On the good front, I began the Muscle and Fitness Rock Hard Challenge, and have been riding my bike every day at lunch and working out in the a.m. I've lost 3 lbs and I'm looking forward to drawing him back in with my killer body soon. (as soon as I lose this extra 60lbs, that is)
