I was lying in bed and H came in. He laid in bed and saw that I was reading my new workout program. He said “oh, I thought you were going to read to me.” YAY! He actually wanted me to read to him about relationship stuff.
Well, he picked up the Marriagebuilders.com article on affairs and asked me to read that, saying “may as well get affairs out of the way.”
We read about how affairs start and how they should end. He shared with me that his EA started in a similar way to the letter from the website. That a coworker he had no interest in but that he was friends with, told him she had feelings for him. Suddenly, he found himself thinking about her and before he knew it, having feelings for her.
We talked about how silly the whole thing was, because she has three kids and another “back home.” That he wasn’t prepared to be a step-dad on top of his three kids already. The relationship never could have gone anywhere.
He shared with me that he was very thankful it had come out into the open before it had taken the next step and become a PA. That he had gone through withdrawal from her, but it was brief. And that he thinks about her now only when he tries to figure out how it happened. Now, after reading Part I and II of the article, he knows a little more about how affairs start and can see his mistakes.
He told me he broke it off with her by telling her that it was wrong and he needed to pay attention to his marriage. He hasn’t talked to her since.
We talked about how next time a girl shares with him her feelings, he will say that he is flattered, but that he has a wonderful wife already and is very happy. This response will close that door promptly before the other person thinks they have a chance. We also talked about how for the next couple of days he may think about the other person, as she has boosted his ego. He will share any future compliments like this with me and recognize the fact that when someone compliments you, you are bound to think of that person in a favorable light. This does not mean you have feelings for them, and those thoughts will go away as long as you don’t meditate on them.
This is the type of M I THOUGHT I had with my H. Where everything is out in the open with us and we talk about everything. I don’t know how it ever got to the point of one of us keeping anything from the other, but we agreed that it will never happen again. He says he again feels as if he can share everything with me.
I also made it a huge point to tell him that I am not asking things about his EA to rub it in his face or keep the guilt alive, but rather to examine why and how it happened so it doesn’t happen again. H shared with me that this is a big goal of his also. He will not allow it to happen again because now he knows what to do next time.
I told him I never wanted to neglect him or our R again, and he said he felt the same way. He repeated his words from the other night, he wants to take care of me and make me happy.
He still feels no “in love” feelings for me, but he is opening his heart back up to me. I can see that and feel it and feel it will only be a matter of time. He thanked me for being patient with him and told me it was because of my attitude towards the whole thing that he feels we are on the path to reconciliation again. (Thank you Michele and DB principles!!!)
He also told me it bothers him because he isn’t sure if he held my hand the other day because it would make me happy or because it was what he wanted to do. I told him it didn’t matter, as long as he keeps doing it. I brought up that he was emotional while we were dancing and he nodded in acknowledgement. I want to point out the positives to him so that he can see that he is having feelings again for me.
I then said that what we had was true love before, where we shared and cared. He nodded and smiled. I then said that I fully believe we can get back to being in love like that. For the first time, he smiled and nodded and said “yes.” He is beginning to believe and to see the light. How wonderful for us.
