All right all, my PMA is still up there. I'm so sad for Dazed, but I feel I have to post to you all to let you know the exciting developments H and I had this weekend.
Friday evening, we just got some junk food from the frozen foods section of the grocery store and laid in bed cuddling and watching television while waiting for SS14 to come home from his first semi formal. (He danced 8 dances with three girls -all "just friends" - and even learned to tango) H and I ate lobster rangoons and fish sticks until we were sick. It was fun. LOL
Saturday, as we drove to Maine for my brother's wedding (renewal of vows - they actually eloped 5 months ago) H and I fought over money. I was thinking of selling my truck to buy him his motorcycle that he won't stop crying about. He doesn't want me to. I brought up that he doesn't pay attention to the bills, and he yelled back about how it's not that he doesn't want to be a grown up, he just doesn't know how. You have to understand, we rarely fight like this. I can count on one hand the number of times in our six years together we have ever raised voices to each other. So, I began crying, and we stopped and agreed to teach H to look at the bills each week so he can help me be more responsible for our money. Right now, because he doesn't see what comes in and goes out each week, he spends freely - very freely - to the point I don't have money for the mortgage this month. Now, this may sound like bad DBing, and maybe it was, but having raised voices and crying is a 180 for me and finally drove home to H that we are in real trouble financially if he doesn't stop behaving like a child and begin to have some impulse control. So, it worked out.
Then, at the wedding, we were getting along great. Just good friends like always. H asked me to dance the first slow dance, and I did. I held my hand up to his like we used to do. He holds his up and we press palms to show how big his hand is next to mine. His hands engulf mine, and we both like that he is so much larger than I. He used to say it was so he could better protect me. Anyway, he begins crying and then just holds me really, really tightly. I can feel the emotions coming forth from him for the first time in months and months. The dance finished and we went back to the table, where he continues to try to avoid my eyes, only to look at me occasionally and have tears well up. This is the man I used to know and love, the one who cried with love each time he looked in my eyes.
Later, we all go to see my brother's ex-landlord to visit, and H offers me the seat he has because it is more comfortable. I tell him he takes such good care of me, and he looks emotional again. YAY! I can see he in his eyes that he doesn’t think he takes good care of me and feels guilty for it.
Still later, we go to dinner, and H mentions that I take such good care of him. He looks ready to cry again, as if the guilt is overtaking him because he hasn't been exactly taking very good care of me lately, even though I tell him he does. He mentions the other day when he was driving home and I called to see where he was. I had said I was craving orange juice, and he didn’t stop (like he would have in the past) to get me any. H says that he felt guilty that it just didn’t occur to him to stop and get me some. I said that in the past I would have asked him to stop, and that’s the difference. He brightened at this and said, “yes, maybe that’s it.” He then said, “it’s not that I don’t want to take good care of you, I do. I want to get back to doing nice things for you like I used to.” YAY!
Then, he held my hand. DID YOU ALL HEAR ME??? MY BABYSTEP GOAL THAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR OVER THE PAST 8 MONTHS, HE HELD MY HAND. He held my hand, he held my hand, he held my hand. That feels so good to write, I want to cry.
What’s left? For him to kiss me and tell me he is “in love” with me. My four large, long term goals were. 1. H will tell me he loves me 2. H will hold my hand 3. H will kiss me 4. H will fall back “in love” with me.
One and two have been officially crossed off. Even though he didn’t tell me out loud that he loves me, he did squeeze my hand three times, which is our signal for ILY. (Used to be mine and my dad’s when I was a little girl. It always meant so much to me and H is the only other person I ever shared that with, because he is the only one I ever felt was good enough to know the secret daddy and I used to have.)
Of my goals for myself – the largest is losing 50 pounds. Today, I feel like I finally want to. I feel motivated and happy and in a place where I feel I deserve it, I deserve to be happy and healthy and eat well and exercise. And H deserves to have a good-looking wife to be proud of. I feel like my love banks are so full right now, I can accomplish anything. Anything, do you all hear me??!!??
Oh, I really want to cry as I sit here writing this for you all. I am so very happy, I don’t know what else to do but cry.
We are on our way, and it’s all because H has finally decided he wants to do what it takes to get the love back.
The alien has left, you guys, and they have returned my husband. My loving, adoring, caring, sweet, funny and indescribably cute husband. He still has some hesitation, some fears, but he is coming around and I can see day by day the progress in his eyes. I love this guy so much it hurts, but finally it’s in a good way again.
Anyway, he begins crying and then just holds me really, really tightly. I can feel the emotions coming forth from him for the first time in months and months. The dance finished and we went back to the table, where he continues to try to avoid my eyes, only to look at me occasionally and have tears well up. This is the man I used to know and love, the one who cried with love each time he looked in my eyes. 
