Okay, now we have something to work with. Most of what you've posted here is "old news", and I'm pretty sure you've posted it before, but you seem to have some new insights, no doubt gained from the thinking that PM has caused you to do. So here is what your sitch looks like to me so far, from what you've posted:
First of all, you are WAY too busy, all of you (you, your wife and your kids). Trust me, kids do NOT need to be kept busy with organized sports and other activities constantly, 6 or 7 days a week. They need time to relax, veg out and be themselves. They need time to discover what it's like to be bored. Without that, they won't have a proper appreciation for what it's really like to be busy, or to be excited. Also, if you're having financial difficulty, these things are frills and should be the first things to be cut. Let each child choose ONE activity, and drop the rest. This will not only free up time, but money as well. Also, if on top of this you are keeping yourself busy with work and hobbies from 6AM till midnight, then you are engaging in avoidance behavior and you are not giving yourself any time to have meaningful interactions with your wife. I'm also kind of confused... do you mean to say that your wife stays up past midnight interacting with the kids? How old are they? My 18yo son does not stay up past 10pm on weeknights. It sounds like the two of you are spending all your time avoiding each other.
Quote: Yes, I believe that she finds me needy. That is the nature of the problem, all LD women find their husbands to be needy, becuase they need sex from them. I get sex once every 4-6 weeks, and this appears to be NEEDY. I always feel like a little boy in the candy shop asking mommy for some candy. I hate this. But I have tried not initiating with her and it makes no difference to her. I also have tried to be nice to her and try to help as often as possible around the house, yet that counts for nothing.
That's a lot to chew on. Where to begin. Unfortuantely, LD women cause their husbands to become unappealing, since he does all sorts of useless things to try and convince her to have sex.
Now here is where you totally lose me. You make blanket statements that make you sound unintelligent, lumping "all LD women" into a category and attributing some very impossible behavior to them. This is one of the things you will have to give up... your love of sweeping generalizations and dehumanizing tendencies.
Also, WANTING sex and NEEDING sex are two completely different things. Being NEEDY is very unattractive. With this attitude, what are you saying to your wife? Are you telling her that you desire HER, and that SHE is the one you want, or do you think she's getting the message that pretty much any warm body (or hand) would do? Sounds to me like what you're mainly talking about is relieving a PHYSICAL need, not an EMOTIONAL desire. So if you're not communicating DESIRE to her, why should she DESIRE you? Where is this "desire" supposed to come from? Another thing... as you know from reading the book, Schnarch says that if someone doesn't want sex, it ALWAYS makes sense. If your wife says that never having sex again would be fine with her, maybe what she's REALLY saying is that she never again wants to have the KIND of sex she's been having. You would do well to examine what your interactions with her are like, to see if you can discover what she finds distasteful. Maybe it's your attitude. Maybe she doesn't feel WANTED by you - she just gets the idea that you have a physical NEED that you want HER to fulfill, when your own hand would do the trick, which she would naturally resent. I'm just guessing here... you'll have to do the work yourself to discover what the real deal is.
Quote: So I guess I need to differentiate more. But how? I already do a bizzillion things. I golf, I have hobbies, and spend a ton of time in the gym. So how do I self soothe?
The things you are doing... golf, hobbies, exercise, etc... these are not differentiation activities, they are avoidance activities that indicate just how completely fused you are. Doing these things will not increase your differentiation. Differentiation comes from being able to DISCLOSE yourself honestly to your wife, to say "this is me", or "this is what I want", and then to REMAIN IN PROXIMITY and hold onto yourself in the face of her reaction, which will initially sound like rejection. Differentiation is being able to take a position that you KNOW she will disagree with, and stick to it, and not cave in or walk away, but remain there and not back down. This is where you will be saying "Here is what I will no longer tolerate in our marriage" and then dealing calmly with her predictable reaction, and holding firm, not backing down, till she can discuss it rationally from a position of increased respect. If you show respect for YOURSELF, then SHE will respect you more. If you show respect for HER, then she will respect not only YOU, but HERSELF as well, since she will feel more worthy of respect. So far, from what I can see, you don't show her much respect. You seem to feel you "have a right" to respect from her, and you're not willing to "go first." This is BS. You HAVE to go first, otherwise nothing will improve. Get over it. If YOU'RE not willing to step up to the plate, don't expect HER to. Also, as you begin to work on yourself, don't expect instant miracles. That will only lead to frustration. Don't have any kind of timeline in mind... just work on yourself, and post what you're doing and what effect it's having. The first effects will be internal... you will have a shift of attitude. You will work at being less needy, and confront yourself on WHY you are so needy... what does it say about YOU? What is your level of self-respect? These are the first questions you need to work on. You need to become less busy, so you have time for reflection and doing things differently.
I suggest you start by keeping track of things in a journal format, something like "A day in the life of CeMar", where each day you record what your interactions with your wife were, and how you felt about them. After a few days, you might begin to see patterns, and think about how you'd like things to be different. From there, you might be able to set some initial goals for yourself. You can keep this journal on your own, privately, or you can post it here, at least some of the time. Keep us up to date on what's happening, and maybe we can be of some help to you.
