I was not ignoring you, I just could never find that last post where you asked for info.
wife and I are 45. We have been married for 16 years. Dated for 2 years before that. We were both VERY physical during the first 4 years, then when first child came along, she changed, and her desire has been declining ever since. She is overweight. She has a hypoactive thyroid. She is premenopause now. She grew up under HORRIBLE circumstances, with child neglect and probably assault. She is a very independant person and strong willed. She was never real affectionate, but now is NEVER affectionate. She has made it clear that if she never had sex again, that would be OK. She never kisses me or touches me. She has a poor body image. She likes to be incredibly busy.
Myself, I am in pretty good shape, but could stand to lose about 30 lbs. I work out 5-7 hours a week, and I am working to create 6 pack abs. I get compliments from the ladies at work. My sex drive is higher then EVER, it is always there. But I don't push it with her.
As a couple, we are incredibly busy, usually with one or more activities everyday, and on Saturdays, often 3 soccer games, and baseball games, and football games. We are probably TOO busy. I have not had a real date alone with the wife in 2 years. It's always family things.
We are having financial difficulties now, and the wife has some issues with trusting me and my budget. I do not waste the money, I just have trouble sticking to my budgets. This did not cause her lack of desire. She says that we have nothing in common, that I may be boring, that she can't trust me, and that she is not attracted to me.
I do have hobbies, and I keep busy usually from 6AM to midnight almost every day. The wife actually stays up later most night then I do, to be with our teenage sons. I have to get to sleep to get to work in the morning. She spends all of her time with the boys, she clearly finds them to be far more important then me.
Quote: You sound to me like a needy little boy. Do you sound this way to yourself? Do you think you sound this way to HER? Why would she DESIRE a needy little boy? She already has 3 of those, why would she want another? You need to find a way to GROW UP and relate to her as a MAN, who has his own wants and needs, yes, but doesn't DEFINE himself by them.
Yes, I believe that she finds me needy. That is the nature of the problem, all LD women find their husbands to be needy, becuase they need sex from them. I get sex once every 4-6 weeks, and this appears to be NEEDY. I always feel like a little boy in the candy shop asking mommy for some candy. I hate this. But I have tried not initiating with her and it makes no difference to her. I also have tried to be nice to her and try to help as often as possible around the house, yet that counts for nothing.
That's a lot to chew on. Where to begin. Unfortuantely, LD women cause their husbands to become unappealing, since he does all sorts of useless things to try and convince her to have sex. So I guess I need to differentiate more. But how? I already do a bizzillion things. I golf, I have hobbies, and spend a ton of time in the gym. So how do I self soothe? How do I become more of the man she wants? And then when do I see results, since my love tank is BONE DRY.
I read the PM and I am trying to figure out my crucible, but I have already done lot's of changing, where now?
Quote: You need to find a way to GROW UP and relate to her as a MAN, who has his own wants and needs, yes, but doesn't DEFINE himself by them.
Yes, grow up is probably necessary, I want to be the attractive man to her. Yes, my needs are for sex and affection. These are the #1 and #2 needs I have from marriage. Anything else pretty much is so far down the list as to not matter to me. As to defining myself, I am not so sure on that. But marriage without sex and affection is pretty much pointless. Why would I as a man want to be married to someone that does not find me attractive? Maybe I need a therapists to sort out this mess and point out where to go next.
