and others. I'm putting this in its own thread so it doesn't get "lost" by being buried in another thread. Hopefully many will find it helpful:
Okay, analogy time again. One thing I've realized is that in order to get to where we all want to be, it's going to be necessary to go through some unpleasantness, and maybe a lot of it. My blowout with W the other night is a perfect example. There I was, thinking of having a really nice time ML with her, and remembering the wonderful time we'd had the night before, when all of a sudden I found myself in a battle I described as being like WWII. I hadn't anticipated it, but looking back on it, it makes perfect sense, and I even think it's something we HAD to go through. Nor do I even necessarily think it's totally behind us - I think we'll probably go through something like it again, maybe more than once, but hopefully it'll be a bit smoother next time.
Now for the analogy. Think of yourself flying along in a plane. It's a small plane, like a Cessna, and you're the only one on board. There was a very good reason you took off in the first place - you want to get to someplace new. You have a specific destination in mind, and you eagerly anticipate getting there. However, as you fly along, you become aware that there is some nasty weather up ahead. You get on the radio, and get confirmation that a huge storm is brewing, and as you get an idea of its size and severity, you start considering your options. The storm is towering over 60,000 feet, and you're in a Cessna with no oxygen on board, so you know you can't fly over it. You think about flying around it, but it's so big you know you don't have enough fuel on board to consider that. You're afraid of what might happen if you fly through it... you could be hit by a huge downdraft and crash, you could fly into a mountain, lightning could knock out your engines and controls, and disaster could follow. You're not certain you have the skills to handle the plane in that kind of weather. However, when you think about turning back, you find you really can't stomach that choice, because that would just mean more of the same, and you took off on this journey for a reason. You could fly to the right or left, and find another airport to land at, but then you would not get to the place you have in mind. The only thing you're sure of is that you WANT to get to that place, and you begin to realize that the ONLY way you're going to get there is if you fly through that storm.
The point is, conflict avoidance has been something of a specialty with me. I avoid it like the plague. I never thought that anything good could come of it - it seemed dangerous and scary to me. So for more years than I care to count, that's what I've been doing... avoiding conflict. I was never willing to "rock the boat", so I went along with what W wanted, which usually meant giving up on what I wanted. What I realize now is that conflict is a NECESSARY component of passion. Without enduring the occasional storm, the truly sunny weather just isn't possible. You end up with a kind of continuous overcast, because in order to avoid the storm, you have to sort of spread it out so it loses its power, but doing that just perpetuates it. So... you can't go OVER it, or AROUND it, you have to go THROUGH it, but there is a GOOD chance that on the other side is the bright, sunny and perfect weather you're looking for! It's hard to believe, but I'm really starting to believe it.
That's a REALLY good analogy, and itellectually I know you're probably right. I don't know if emotionally I'm yet prepared to fly thru that storm, but I do think you're right.
Choc., who has made conflict avoidance an ART form.
Am I the only one who does not fear conflict here?
H hates it but I don't. I don't search it out, but I don't mind it if it appears.
But I do agree that you have to go through it if you want results. Just wishing it away or insistence that it will never be any different will NOT change things.
Incidentally... I was watching "Dr. Feel" last night, as W had it on while preparing supper (I wouldn't have turned it on, but WTH). He was featuring couples who had been through one of his "Relationship Rescue" retreats. There was one couple, where the W had been emotionally castrating the H by withholding sex. At the end of the show, each couple had to make a Marriage Pact that they would try to live with from then on. This couple did something amazing... the W said "For the next 30 days, if he is interested in intimacy, then so am I." Wow... talk about a commitment!
Actually I don't really see anything wrong with "dr feel" as you put it. He at least speaks so the person who has not had a college education can understand. I am scared to death of this PM book you guys are talking about. I don't think I can comprehend it without a degree.
I am here because I have a NDH and it helps me to know that I am not the only person out there that has that problem. Especially being a woman I used to think it was horrible that I wanted the physical aspect of a marriage and the man I married didn't. thats why I am here
