H was all for the nightly phone call idea, so after a bit of a rough night, I was happy when I woke up feeling good.
I had to quickly do a load of laundry and get myself and S ready for a family reunion/picnic thingI had completely forgotten to tell H about! We were actually running late when H showed up unexpectedly and asked if we wanted to go for a ride - he was test-driving a white Mitsubishi 3000GT - he has one he is trying to fix up, and just wanted to see how an all-wheel drive model handled.
I told him we were on our way to a family thing, and extended an invitation - he took us, and along the way we decided we would get some food, and then go cruise a bit in the car while my son was with our relatives. My sister and my cousin ended up coming, and we actually drove around for about a half hour - he brought us back, said goodbye to S, then to me (with a hug), and then said bye to my relatives. He wasn't there very long, but honestly I was completely pleasantly surprised to see him! It was really neat that he wanted to take me for a ride in this really supernice car. So that really made me happy - I didn't expect to see him until tomorrow.
S and I had a wonderful time with the family. I felt pretty sorry for my mom, as my aunt followed her around all day practically begging her to reconsider moving out and leaving my dad - can you say ANTI-DB!!!! Even my elderly great-aunt said something to her, I guess - my dad was really quiet and kind of stayed off by himself. My mom and dad didn't even sit by each other, and my mom is in the family pics, but NOT standing by my dad - it was outrageously awkward and sad - my aunt even asked my mother if she had a new man. My mom said "I WISH I had a new man!" and I kind of think my dad might have overheard that. I felt kind of bad for him. My mom is so okay with this, and he seems sometimes like he doesn't really want it, although he sounded okay when I talked to him last one-on-one about it. I dunno - I am NOT going to interfere in something like that. I have enough on my own plate right now!
Anyway, although I haven't really gotten anything substantial done around the house, I have had an okay day.
*Note: Just tried to call H because I got the results of the test he took Friday - it;s Saturday night, and no one is answering at the shop. This kind of pisses me off for a couple reasons: 1) He took off on a Saturday night, which is supposed to be a big money night for him, and 2) He told me the nightly phone call thing was something he wanted, and he isn't reachable.
This makes me mad, but right now I don't think I am going to do much about it. It just sucks, because I can't even leave a message. I have a couple choices here: 1) Call over and over until I get an answer, then ream Dustin out for being gone on a Saturday, doing fun stuff without me, not spending time with our S when he obviously could have. This is not really a good option for obvious reasons: whiny, controlling, needy, etc. 2) Go to the shop and see if he is there. This is just totally dumb, kind of psycho, and really smacks of stalking to me. 3) Stew about it all night and think about where he might be and who he might be with. (This will make me crazy and will inevitably lead to option one or two). 4) Keep really, really busy and just go on with my night. Recognize that I am feeling afraid and angry, and choose to deal with it on my own, without reacting to it. Realize that the root fear here is that he will disappear for a long time, or that he is cheating. Realize I can't do anything about either one of those things.
I think option 4 is the most healthy - I do wish the fear would go away, though. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Add to the whole "missing husband" saga the fact that S2 keeps asking "daddy here?" and you have an evening just chock full of stress and tears. I really, really hate being separated. HATE IT! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I think it is so nice that H gives you hugs quite frequently. That is a good connection! Says a lot about caring.
You are doing great. Keep focusing on not reacting in the moment. Sounds like you have a good thing going right now. I was also impressed that he drove you to the family reunion. My H would not do that in a million years, he would know that some people knew our situation and he could not deal with the guilt. That is something very brave for him to do.
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Okay, I am NOT in a good place right now. H is spending about half his time at our house, and half his time at his place, and already I am freaking out like I did when he moved back in - all my worst habits are re-emerging!
Why do I fall apart whenever he starts to be around more? What happened to my calm center? Why am I so afraid again?
Well, here's the current conditions: 1) My mom is moving into her new place this week, away from my dad. They are DEFINITELY getting a divorce. 2) I only lost the baby about two weeks ago - that still really hurts, and I think my hormones are still really wacky. 3) It is the last week of classes, and I am really behind because of the miscarriage and my own procrastination. 4) Money is really, really tight right now - we basically don't have any. 5) Rhane is going through a kind of difficult, whiny, clingy phase. He is really hard to take care of right now.
I am really stressed out about all of this stuff, and so I am seeing some of my progress on emotional control slip away. I'm yelling again, forcing R talks with my H, trying to force an immediate resolution to our sitch (which means I bring up D a lot), calling him a bunch (which irritates him to no end), and being whiny, clingy, and needy.
A couple of things I need to do definitely here: 1) Get more sleep. Stop trying to do everything in one night. 2) Figure out where I could go to make some female friends - part of my problem is that I am not making sure I have enough social interaction. I am going to check around for possible volunteer activities - right now I can really only handle probably one, but it would be an opportunity to connect with other people.
I have an IC appointment tonight, so maybe that will help. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well folks, H did his test today for his class, and did okay, and I talked to him about working on the porch before Sunday, so I may do that since it is a beautiful day outside.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay - recap of evening - IC managed to get me unstuck. I figured out that the sudden pressure I was feeling to make a decision rightnow was because of a mental "should" I have that says "you must maintain the image of a perfect marriage." Well, being separated doesn't fit that "image" - but who really give's a tiny rat's a** anyway? I don't want a crappy marriage that looks good from the outside!
So we discussed how that derails my sense of inner peace, and also discussed a progressive technique for thought stopping, where whenever a thought comes into my mind that is destructive/negative/distressing, I shout "stop!" That's step one. Step two involves just whispering "stop." Then the third and last step is when you progress to just mentally shouting, "stop." I haven't had to do this yet, because we also discussed a third technique, which involves visualizing my evenings playing out peacefully...visualizing each different peace, and me moving peacefully through my evening activities, even enjoying them.
I also stopped by that used bookstore I have been talking about, and got a couple of light fiction books. Yay! So I plan to make my weekend a healthy mix of work and play, and I plan to thoroughly enjoy it.
Hugs and a good weekend to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi Myrrh, How are you doing today? I'm glad your IC helped you to get unstuck.
What helps you have your sense of inner peace? I think that I get anxious in my M (or when I am close to or "attached" to a man) because I shift not only my focus from myself to him, but b/c I shift the responsibility for my feeling good from myself to him.
It sounds like you are very concerned about his feelings. I've struggled with the "are you hungry? are you tired? is your back sore? does your butt itch?" questions too. Ask Sage about the "Itchy Butt Syndrome" if she hasn't told it to you yet. In my case, the best thing has been to act as if he is fine and like In4Ride said, she goes about doing her own thing either in the house or leaves the house to do something.
How is it going as far as finding other activities to keep you busy? Do your parks ever have night walks for children or that sort of thing? Do you ever have time w/o Rhane in which you can go out and do something? Take dance lessons or join a book club, etc.? Have you thought of starting your own book club? How about this-you invite women and they are welcome to bring their children. Each week, one of the mom's watches the kids in another part of the house while the rest of you talk book.
