The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

Zasha-
Keeping busy seems to be helping me with the loss of the baby - it still hurts, but I feel fairly sure I didn't do anything to cause the miscarriage, and I am trying to look forward to a time when my H and I decide we want another baby. If we don't get to that place, that's okay, but I hope someday we do.

I am planning to visit the Peanut's grave next month on the 8th, the anniversary of the day I delivered her. I'll put some flowers on her little spot and just check on her. I guess this is a measure of how much I am changing. A lot of my grief has been done in private, and I am not spewing emotion everywhere like I sometimes do.

I am sad, but okay - and thank you so much for asking about me! I need to visit you again soon.
Hugs,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Nitaf-
You're not alone there - mine looked like and was a bad one at one time as well.
Hugs,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Interesting... My H has always been so sensitive to my moods. He clams up when I am cranky (even when it's not related to him), and gets really affectionate when I'm calm. His father was abusive, also, and I bet he's the same way.

I am willing to bet that definitely is a part of it! It's nice to get the perspective from the other side. I believe the clinical term for this monitoring is "hypervigilance" - not a lot of step-by-step stuff written about how to change this mode, but it sounds like you are doing a great job in guiding your H to overcome this!

So, there are times when we can just look at the other person and say "Are you hungry? Are you tired?" And then accept that that is the reason for grumpiness, and it's not personal. I usually try to make a point of apologizing for it later, when I'm feeling better.

I am definitely going to have to try this approach, and in my H's case, it can also be his stomach acting funny. I am also going to remember to ask myself this question when my moods get wacky - I definitely need to be more aware of this in myself.

I've started just asking "Is something wrong?" I think it's less confrontational--not that there's anything wrong with "Are you okay." But it puts him more at ease, and is less personal. That way, it also sounds like I'm interested in what's going on with him, if he had a bad day, or something is stressing him out--not just to see if he's mad at me.

Awesome - this is also a suggestion I am going to use, if you don't mind. Just to try it.

That way, H knows I care, but doesn't feel pressured. A lot of times he won't respond right away--but will come back a short while later, and tell me what is on his mind.

That balance of caring without pressure is what I am looking for, and a bit of patience to wait fro a response - my H does this kind of delayed sharing also, but only if I don't nag him while he is thinking about it.

Something else you mentioned...about not having a good model for a M... My H actually told me that once. That he was convinced we were going to wind up divorced, because his parents did.

This is a big source of discouragement for me - my parents' marriage being so screwed up (they are in the process of divorcing right now) makes me wonder sometimes if ALL marriages are doomed to fail. Intellectually I know that's not true, but it subconsciously affects me.

[Lyrael]

Sage-
Hmm. Putting on thoughtful face here - I think this is an issue that requires some delicacy, re: when to ask with Nevanna's suggested format, and when to act as if, and do nothing.
I need to think on this some more.
Myrrh

[sage]

Sage-
Hmm. Putting on thoughtful face here - I think this is an issue that requires some delicacy, re: when to ask with Nevanna's suggested format, and when to act as if, and do nothing.
I need to think on this some more.
Myrrh

it's definitely a case of "do what works for you".

In my sitch I've found that questions -- either direct or indirect -- don't work well -- at least not right now. It may be my timing or my approach or a thousand other things but I think my h prefers one of two things:

1. waiting for him to tell me if something's up - creating open space and a positive environment for that to happen

2. my doing small thoughtful things for him to make him more comfortable (since it seems like often he withdraws if he's reacting physically to something). IOW, offering to get him a drink or the heating pad or whatever tends to open him up more than a query if he's ok.

DEFINITELY not a universal truth, though..so try out some stuff!

Sage

[Lyrael]

Morning, all - this is my morning off from work, so I don't go in until noon.

Finished some school stuff I was helping H with last night and gave it to him so he could have it when he takes his test today. He was here for about forty minutes, then went back to his place. I felt really weird and sad, so I called him and asked if I could give him a call if S2 got worse (he is getting sick). He was really nice about it, and said he was planning on giving me a call anyway.

Kind of scary thing - I had bad dreams all last night, and so I checked the doors to make sure everything was locked a couple of times, but I woke up this morning and the front door is open just a hair. Now, either I am sleepwalking and don't realize it, or someone opened that door - I left H an IM to ask if he came by to get something, but I am really nervous about this! Nothing is missing, and the door is too heavy for S2 to sneak out and open it on his own, especially when it was locked.

But I did do okay last night, despite how icky I was feeling. I was nice, and under control with H the couple times I did interact with him, and he gave me a couple of really nice hugs while he was here.

I just really hate Fridays and Saturdays, honestly. It's always huge if I can get through those two days without creating problems. I get paid today, so I am going to go grocery shopping and maybe hit the used bookstore for some new reading.

This is a spot in my R where I really need to take things slow, be patient with the process, and not take anything about this for granted. I am so bad at being patient.

Saturday S and I are going to a really boring family reunion out at a park in the middle of the day - that will be VERY hot. I haven't made up my mind as to whether I should extend H an invitation or not - I know he will not be enthused about going, and I hadn't planned on him going, so it would be an opportunity for me to accept a "no" answer from him graciously.

What do you guys think? Should I just tell him I am going and say nothing about him, or should I ask him to go and then be really nonchalant about it when he says no?

Thanks lots,
Myrrh

[In4Ride]

I can surely relate to this idea of always feeling responsible for H's moods. In my family, everything revolved around making sure that my father didn't get angry so I guess I was taking everyone's bad moods to heart.

Now I do the opposite with H and it seems to be working very well. Since shortly after the bomb (when I discovered DR and this bb), I act as if H's mood has almost nothing to do with me, even if I think it really does. When he seems cranky or conflicted, I just go about my business as if everything is fine with me, and I usually leave the room and/or house. I've completely stopped the routine of asking what's wrong. H seems to get over things faster with this new routine.

In4Ride

[Lyrael]

Had a bit of a tense phone call with H shortly before I left - it was fine up until he let me know that he thought one of the endings to the Butterfly Effect would upset me (there are alternate endings on the DVD). I got upset because I thought he was going to wait to watch it together....kind of a minor thing to be upset about, honestly. And he still wants to watch it with me!

I think I am going to bust out Bob Barker - the Kind of Act-as-if, and use him for the weekend. H does not respond well when my attitude becomes negative. Sooo - I am going to try and boost my positive energy as high as possible this weekend!

Okay - had to talk to a friend who totally disapproves of me trying to repair the relationship with my H, so I just kind of briefly glossed over it- told her he and I were polite to each other and getting along, and left it at that.

Sigh-
Not a hugely lovely day.
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Okay, I am going to subtly shift my attitude and mindset here.

While I have made some great progress in the area of emotional control, I think I am still coming across as pretty needy to my H, and maybe a little too available. He KNOWS that I will be there for him, and I am really not much of a challenge. I wonder if sometimes this comes across as a lack of self-respect on my part.

Sooo - gonna go back to working on getting a life. One that is going to be worthwhile with or without H, because I am just not in a spot where I can afford to take it for granted that he has made a firm decision to reconcile.

Fridays and Satrudays are my independent days - which I usually spend moping between contacts with H. This is not working for me or my goals! I want to really make an effort, not only to keep busy on those two days, but to really ENJOY them.

So...the plan?
1) I am leaving work a bit early today, and I am going to get groceries before I go pick up S2, because it's just easier to do that without him, honestly.
2) Then I am going to head to the north end of town to visit our used bookstore.
3) I have some videos I need to take back to the video store on the way home.
4) Then I am going to go home and do the housework I need to do tonight, and a load of laundry.
5)Then bedtime and the new books!

Saturday is a bit easier than most because I have a family gathering, so I will be leaving the house at around 11:30 am for that, and so I will have some good, solid social interaction.

Then it's home to do stuff I need to do there, and make dinner for S and I. COPS is on, and some other fun and scandalous shows, so I will watch those, and probably retire with a book. I kinda think I need to stay away from the phone and IMing some, and back off on my H a little - give him some space, you know?

I will report back with results, guys and gals.
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

I am borrowing an idea from Totite that I really liked. I think a routine nightly phone call would not be inappropriate fro him to say goodnight to H, and I would have a chance to share some of what S did with his day.

I think part of my problem with Friday and Saturday nights is that I feel very alone in parenting our son. It is hard for me, and I think having a specific occasion to share some of my parenting concerns would be a huge help. Trying to think in solutions, not problems, here.
I am going to try this tomorrow evening and see how it works.
Hugs,
Myrrh