The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

Interesting... My H has always been so sensitive to my moods. He clams up when I am cranky (even when it's not related to him), and gets really affectionate when I'm calm. His father was abusive, also, and I bet he's the same way.

I am willing to bet that definitely is a part of it! It's nice to get the perspective from the other side. I believe the clinical term for this monitoring is "hypervigilance" - not a lot of step-by-step stuff written about how to change this mode, but it sounds like you are doing a great job in guiding your H to overcome this!

So, there are times when we can just look at the other person and say "Are you hungry? Are you tired?" And then accept that that is the reason for grumpiness, and it's not personal. I usually try to make a point of apologizing for it later, when I'm feeling better.

I am definitely going to have to try this approach, and in my H's case, it can also be his stomach acting funny. I am also going to remember to ask myself this question when my moods get wacky - I definitely need to be more aware of this in myself.

I've started just asking "Is something wrong?" I think it's less confrontational--not that there's anything wrong with "Are you okay." But it puts him more at ease, and is less personal. That way, it also sounds like I'm interested in what's going on with him, if he had a bad day, or something is stressing him out--not just to see if he's mad at me.

Awesome - this is also a suggestion I am going to use, if you don't mind. Just to try it.

That way, H knows I care, but doesn't feel pressured. A lot of times he won't respond right away--but will come back a short while later, and tell me what is on his mind.

That balance of caring without pressure is what I am looking for, and a bit of patience to wait fro a response - my H does this kind of delayed sharing also, but only if I don't nag him while he is thinking about it.

Something else you mentioned...about not having a good model for a M... My H actually told me that once. That he was convinced we were going to wind up divorced, because his parents did.

This is a big source of discouragement for me - my parents' marriage being so screwed up (they are in the process of divorcing right now) makes me wonder sometimes if ALL marriages are doomed to fail. Intellectually I know that's not true, but it subconsciously affects me.