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I know it comes from monitoring my abusive father's moods - for my dad, it was necessary to my physical safety and emotional well-being to anticipate and constantly watch his moods.



Interesting... My H has always been so sensitive to my moods. He clams up when I am cranky (even when it's not related to him), and gets really affectionate when I'm calm. His father was abusive, also, and I bet he's the same way.

Something both H and I have learned--how to recognize when external factors are affecting the other person. For example, we both get grouchy when we're hungry or tired. So, there are times when we can just look at the other person and say "Are you hungry? Are you tired?" And then accept that that is the reason for grumpiness, and it's not personal. I usually try to make a point of apologizing for it later, when I'm feeling better.

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I guess an appropriate response is to ask once "are you okay?" if I think something is wrong, or not to bring it up at all? What do you think?



I've started just asking "Is something wrong?" I think it's less confrontational--not that there's anything wrong with "Are you okay." But it puts him more at ease, and is less personal. That way, it also sounds like I'm interested in what's going on with him, if he had a bad day, or something is stressing him out--not just to see if he's mad at me.

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Should I just trust him to share his emotions when he needs to?



My H often will, but I think he's unusual. Like I mentioned above, I think a gentle inquiry of "Something wrong?" or "You seem bothered," leaves the door open. That way, H knows I care, but doesn't feel pressured. A lot of times he won't respond right away--but will come back a short while later, and tell me what is on his mind.

Something else you mentioned...about not having a good model for a M... My H actually told me that once. That he was convinced we were going to wind up divorced, because his parents did. (He hasn't spoken to his father in years.) I had already known this worked on him in a subconscious way, just didn't know he was aware of it.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]