I found your thread after you posted on mine and I just saved yours. I am very sorry about your loss. You haven't mentioned anything related to this in a couple of days. How are you doing now? You seem to be in an better mood and calm. Yeay for you!
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
I4R- THanks for the input! You are definitely right, in that the less I expect in the way of QT from my H, the more I get. I am just beginning to understand my H's LL's - acts of service and gifts, with lots of touch and a few WOA sprinkled in...QT is NOT his LL!
It seems like every time I let go of a need, H gets a little closer to meeting it. I am so happy to hear that the positive effects seem to be there for you as well! I wil keep you posted as to my efforts to put this need aside, and I will check in on you to see how you're doing as well! Thanks again, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I4R- THanks for the input! You are definitely right, in that the less I expect in the way of QT from my H, the more I get. I am just beginning to understand my H's LL's - acts of service and gifts, with lots of touch and a few WOA sprinkled in...QT is NOT his LL!
It seems like every time I let go of a need, H gets a little closer to meeting it. I am so happy to hear that the positive effects seem to be there for you as well! I wil keep you posted as to my efforts to put this need aside, and I will check in on you to see how you're doing as well! Thanks again, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Nevanna - Oddly enough, H has mentioned this. He puts it as "you always take it so personally whenever I am grouchy or irritated, and it isn't always about you!" I know it comes from monitoring my abusive father's moods - for my dad, it was necessary to my physical safety and emotional well-being to anticipate and constantly watch his moods.
I don't need to do this with my H. I guess an appropriate response is to ask once "are you okay?" if I think something is wrong, or not to bring it up at all? What do you think? Should I just trust him to share his emotions when he needs to?
Thanks for the observation, Nevanna! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Nitaf- I can honestly say I didn't have the slightest clue what a healthy relationship looked like when I got married or even started dating my H! It's taken lots of time, counseling, reading, and observing here on the BB for me to get a realistic picture of what a good marriage can be, and also what a bad marriage looks like! Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: I know it comes from monitoring my abusive father's moods - for my dad, it was necessary to my physical safety and emotional well-being to anticipate and constantly watch his moods.
Interesting... My H has always been so sensitive to my moods. He clams up when I am cranky (even when it's not related to him), and gets really affectionate when I'm calm. His father was abusive, also, and I bet he's the same way.
Something both H and I have learned--how to recognize when external factors are affecting the other person. For example, we both get grouchy when we're hungry or tired. So, there are times when we can just look at the other person and say "Are you hungry? Are you tired?" And then accept that that is the reason for grumpiness, and it's not personal. I usually try to make a point of apologizing for it later, when I'm feeling better.
Quote: I guess an appropriate response is to ask once "are you okay?" if I think something is wrong, or not to bring it up at all? What do you think?
I've started just asking "Is something wrong?" I think it's less confrontational--not that there's anything wrong with "Are you okay." But it puts him more at ease, and is less personal. That way, it also sounds like I'm interested in what's going on with him, if he had a bad day, or something is stressing him out--not just to see if he's mad at me.
Quote: Should I just trust him to share his emotions when he needs to?
My H often will, but I think he's unusual. Like I mentioned above, I think a gentle inquiry of "Something wrong?" or "You seem bothered," leaves the door open. That way, H knows I care, but doesn't feel pressured. A lot of times he won't respond right away--but will come back a short while later, and tell me what is on his mind.
Something else you mentioned...about not having a good model for a M... My H actually told me that once. That he was convinced we were going to wind up divorced, because his parents did. (He hasn't spoken to his father in years.) I had already known this worked on him in a subconscious way, just didn't know he was aware of it.
Oddly enough, H has mentioned this. He puts it as "you always take it so personally whenever I am grouchy or irritated, and it isn't always about you!" I know it comes from monitoring my abusive father's moods - for my dad, it was necessary to my physical safety and emotional well-being to anticipate and constantly watch his moods.
My mom was prone to depressive episodes...they came and went without warning. As a kid I think I thought that it was my behavior that triggered them either starting or stopping. I became a super-detective of moods!
h used to tell me "it's not always about you" because I ASSumed that every advance or retreat by him was a result of my actions...I still feel challenged by this but have become much better at acting "as if" and NOT asking if he appears withdrawn.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I usually try to make a point of apologizing for it later, when I'm feeling better.
