The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

UD, by night known as "Bets"-
That is an excellent idea, with one change - tonight is H's night to come over, so I could just tell him in person. That honestly didn't even occur to me.

"D, I am having a really hard time with our financial stress and the loss of the baby. I realize my temper and emotions have been kind of out-of-control since we found out, and I am sorry about that. I have trouble being sad. I am going to try and talk to you respectfully and kindly, and I appreciate how understanding you have been lately. I love you."

How is something along those lines?
Hugs,
Myrrh

[Underdog]

I think it's perfect. And maybe what Dustin needs to hear from you so he can give you what you want and need?

((((Myrrh))))

Bets

[Lyrael]

I think so - just wanted to report a small success - those of you who have followed my story will apreciate it.

I called H to ask him a question, and he said he was busy and could he call me back? Normally I would reply in a snotty way, then call back if he hadn't called me within 20 minutes. Well, he called me back an hour or so later, and I hadn't tried to call him! I was pleasant when he said he needed to call back, and pleasant and appreciative when he did. He is slowly chipping away at the financial crisis he was having, and I am really proud of him for that! I need to tell him that. I am so proud of myself for letting HIM call ME back. With how I am feeling right now, it's a major victory. I also told him that I understood if he needed to come over later tonight, and I am working on preparing myself for him either staying the night or leaving. Neither one needs to be a huge crisis.

One thing at a time,
Myrrh

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Hiya Myrrh!

I think you handled that absolutely fantasticaly.

Go YOU!

Hugs.

[Lyrael]

Morning, everyone -
I am in a weird place today. My hormones are going crazy, and I am irritable, grouchy, and very touchy. And that frustrates me, because as any of you know that hang around me, controlling my emotional expression is my bugbear (isn't that a funny word? ) right now. And I sure as heck have not been doing a very good job of it these past two weeks.

I know that this is a stressful time, but I still don't feel like that gives me the right to be a shrew to my H. The basics of treating him with kindness, politeness, and respect, even when or interactions aren't going the way I want them to, is so HARD for me right now. He said last night he felt like I was venting, and he listened, and that was it. I am frustrated with myself right now, and while I still haven't slid completely back to where I was, I am still disappointed in me.

One question for you creative DBers out there...my H has been giving me a lot of little gifts - I love it, but could it be possible that this is his love language as well? I had thought he was physical touch and acts of service, but I am not sure.

Maybe I should try the occasional small gift.
I think I am also going to print a few of the KLA threads and read them over.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[xalelle]

I have read somewhere that often people speak to others in their own LL. If he is giving you gifts, he is telling you that works for him.

I also know that one of my W's LLs is gifts. And she gives gifts to everyone, all the time! I missed that idea in our M, even when she stated it in plain english.

Do find a small gift to give him. It does not have to be lavish, but try to make it something that shows you were thinking of him, not just getting something. Give it and monitor the results. If they are positive, do it again in a few days to a week. monitor. Try a note next - I know for my W notes and gifts are very similar things. A heartfelt note, even just a "thinking of you" is a gift in itself.

If your mood is uncontrollable, try to arrange to not be around H. You dont want your irratability to effect the work you are doing. Do something to raise your spirits before you see him.

[Lyrael]

Xalelle -
Thanks for the post - it started me thinking about love languages, and subtle cues my H was giving me, so today I got him a YooHoo and a SlimJim (the beef kind, not the lock opening device). Don't laugh - this is one of his favorite snacks. He actually seemed to receive it really well, so I think I will do it again when I see him Sunday. I don't know exactly what I'll get him, but I'll figure something out.

I am figuring out that MY main LL is quality time. But I am not praising H enough when he does spend time with me, or allowing myself to enjoy it, since I am busy keeping score in my head as to whether he is spending "enough" time with me. If it is "enough," it seems like I allow myself to feel loved. If the QT isn't "enough," I am resentful, grouchy, and I definitely let him know.

So! That is the problem, now on to the solution. Nagging, scorekeeping, etc do NOT work, so it is definitely time to move past them. What I think I need to do is catch my H spending time with me (without pressuring him to) and be really appreciative. I also need to concentrate on being fully present when we spend time together, and enjoying it.

He seems to really appreciate acts of service, also. It seems like me cooking for him, doing his laundry, etc, makes him feel really loved. He is really appreciative when I clean, even though he doesn't live here right now.

I am feeling pretty positive at this moment. I am trying to be somewhat more solution-oriented, rather than miring myself in what's making me angry or upset.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

Well, here is the update on my evening.

I was home from work early in the afternoon, but didn't have any contact with H until around 6:30, when I called to check with him on what his plans were for the evening. He said he would probably leave the shop in about an hour. I felt like he was slightly irritated and short on the phone with me, but I didn't call him back like I wanted to (to get reassurance and attention). Big victory there for me.

At around 8pm, he showed up with a roommate of his (male, of course). He had him mow our lawn, and he and S worked in the yard with him while I went to get myself an iced coffee - I needed a bit of time to myself to get centered. I stopped to get him some Pepsi, and we had some really fun time outside with S.

His roommate left and we went inside, and hung out for a while while H played Zelda and S pretended to play Zelda. Then I wrestled S into his jammies, and we finally got him into bed. I did some cleanup type chores around the house, and after S was asleep, H and I put in a movie, a comedy he had rented called "Mr. Wrong." Very funny, and we really had a good time. I was very upbeat the whole night, and he seemed to really respond to that. We flirted during the movie, snuggling, play-fighting, etc, and then after the movie we both snuggled into bed and there was some lovely holding that led naturally into some less PG-rated stuff.

I laid out my and S's clothes last night, so we were able to get out the door smoothly and on time, and I left H sleeping in our bed with a kiss and a hug.

It was quiet, and since I really concentrated on enjoying the moment - I really did enjoy it!
More later,
Myrrh

[In4Ride]

Hi Lyrael,

I haven't posted on your thread before but your comments on QT hit a nerve. I was the same way about not getting enough QT and holding onto a lot of anger, although I didn't fully understand what was going on at the time. My H's LL is definitely NOT QT, so you can imagine how much anger and resentment built up over the years, on both sides.

At this point, I think you just have to give up your need for QT until the R reaches a better place. I have spent the last 7 months just letting my H have his own space, never asking for his time, and always acting happy with it - this isn't as hard as it seems once you know your own LL's and how it may not jive with H's. The progress has been very sssllloooww, but incrementally upward.

My H's LL seems to be WOA and gifts - a complete revelation because these are not important to me. The response to my attention to these LLs has been amazing and rewarding. A perfect example of the Butterfly Effect!

Now I hardly ever let an opportunity to compliment H pass me by, and I always try to 'brag' about something he has done when we are with others. And he seems to spend more quality time with me than before the bomb, not just time, but 'quality' time where we actually talk and laugh.

We have a long way to go - haven't had an R talk since February, he's still in another bedroom, and for all I know he's still moving out. But the difference in our interaction is like night and day.

Hope this is helpful.

In4Ride

[Nevanna]

I felt like he was slightly irritated and short on the phone with me, but I didn't call him back like I wanted to (to get reassurance and attention). Big victory there for me.

I used to do this all the time. I would worry if it was something I said or did to upset him...

I found what really helped me was to realize that I am not responsible for H's moods. On some level I always knew that, but I had always tied myself so heavily into them. When I really started to seperate my emotions from his, this got easier.