I don't think I've posted to you before, but I lurk occasionally. I just wanted to send a big cyberhug your way, and how sorry I am for the loss of your baby. One thing that struck me is your wondering if you could have "done" something to prevent it - I'm in the medical field, and the stats are that 60% of all conceptions, or potentials pregnancies, are lost; and that one woman in four will experience an early miscarriage at some point. It is extremely common. That doesn't make it any easier to bear the hurt, but it is certainly not your fault in any way whatsoever.
Take care of yourself and your son. You deserve it.
GBO- My midwife did tell me to keep taking my prenatal vitamins, and I think (if I'm not mistaken) that those have supplemental iron in them, so as long as I take those I should be okay. They also have a separate supplement with Omega-3 fatty acids (the kind in fish), so I will also take those. As for the rest, I am trying to get more sleep - it has been hard the last couple days, but tonight I am definitely going to bed early. Thanks, GBO, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Sage- Thanks for the book suggestion, it sounds like it would be great for me! I am sort of a non-practicing Christian (well, non-practicing in the sense that I don't attend a church right now), but I think the sprititual bent will be no problem for me.
As for the transition to peace, I honestly do find it a little maddening sometimes, because when I am calmer, I don't get as many verbally impassioned declarations from H (that's just not his style). I think it's key for me to recognize that without the chaos, my needs are not going to be met in the same way, so I need to figure out other ways to fill them. If I am not getting attention by starting fights, I have to get used to dealing with my thoughts and emotions - learning how to sit with negative feelings and not demand instant soothing from my H is something I am really working on. It applies especially in the area of trust and fears. I hope that made some sense. I sometimes feel like passion is missing, too, and I am just trying to learn to adjust my viewpoint.
I am definitely going to check out that book.
Hugs from me, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks, Cathy, and bug hugs back at you - it is hard. It helps to know that others have come through this experience, as much as I would never wish it on anyone. (((((((Cathy))))))))
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Pen, I always welcome thread lurkers, but in this case, I am glad you spoke up. I needed to hear that very much. I do struggle with feelings of responsibility. It makes me feel so fortunate to have my beautiful two-year-old son. He really is an amazing miracle, as all kids are! Thanks again, Pen. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Hi Myrrh. I'm not sure if I've ever posted to you before, but I do lurk on your thread sometimes. I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry to hear of your baby's death. This happened to us about 13 years ago, and I know that it hurts more than you would ever believe possible until you've experienced it. I must have shed gallons of tears that came from the bottom of my soul. I remember how much I felt like people were dismissing the depth of my sorrow, and that added to my frustration and anger. I remember feeling so terribly betrayed by my own body. and feeling like a failure. I would encourage you to give your self permission to grieve, no matter who tells you you shouldnt be so upset....I actually heard that from a nurse (I'm not overly fond of nurses these days!) in my dr's office, although the Dr herself held my hand and cried with me. It's ok and it's important to mourn the loss of your child. I might kind of play the devil's advocate here and mention that your H may be hurting more than you would guess, as well. When this happened to us, my H confided to me that he was so hurt that no one except our boss seemed to acknowledge that it was his child that died as well, and that hurt and upset him and angered him. I would not have known he was feeling that way if he hadnt told me, because he was keeping such a stiff upper lip and "taking care of" me... my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Deb
Deb- Thanks so much for your post! And I am sorry as well for your loss, and the losses of those others who have posted here to me. Actually, what you bring up about H is a good point, and one we discussed today in MC. He is NOT verbal with his emotions - he doesn't work through them by talking about them always, at least not really deep pain, anyway.
He has a hard time, I think, letting himself grieve freely. He was trying to take care of me, and so our counselor pushed him a bit to talk about it, and he expressed briefly some of his sorrow about it. This is one of the things we really work on - opening up to me has been hard for him, as he has admitted he is scared of getting hurt. Validation is really important when he shares feelings.
He seems to feel supportive when I am affectionate - massages, head rubs, hugs, etc - this seems to be a good way for me to be there for him. Thanks for the comments! I always like to have more to think about. Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay, DBers, get out your thinking caps. I am having a really hard time keeping my emotions under control right now. My success in taming my temper tantrums has been somewhat interrupted. I am just not feeling very centered right now! I keep initiating these R talks, and I really don't need to. Do you think I am maybe feeling an increased need for attention right now? In addition to the loss of the baby, we are going through some tough financial times right now, so there is that stress as well.
I think that my sadness is coming out as impatience, anger, and irritability. It's really hard for me to just let myself feel the sadness. I am sad and angry, but not at my H - I am upset because I lost this baby. I haven't really cried, except when I first found out, and haven't been able to let myself.
H and I talked briefly last night about my fears of him moving back in, and I told him that I thought I wasn't quite ready, because of how hormonal and emotional I am right now. He wants us to look for a two-bedroom apartment in an apartment complex we both like, so we will probably be doing that soon.
He is still being really understanding. I appreciate that, and I want to focus on positives.
There is also the possibility that I am just expecting too much of myself right now. I tend to do that. I'm just feeling really off right now. Hugs to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
What would happen if you were to sit down, call Dustin and explain this to him exactly as you did right here?
I see no need to avoid communicating this message to him as long as it's delivered calmly and from a point of understanding rather than beginning it with a "YOU" statement.
A big but gentle hug to you, dear.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
