The New Thread...

[MovinOn]

Right!!!

Aren't your nails growing like crazy? That's the only time my nails looked good.

[karen812]

Hi Myrrh!
Sorry I have been out of touch for so long. You sound you like you are doing a lot better-much more calm and peaceful. Do you pray? And, can you incorporate a "gratitude journal" into your journaling? Each day, write down 3 things that you are grateful for.

What are the names of the workbooks that you are doing on self-esteem and controlling your emo's?

Hope you are having a good time on your vaca!
karen812

[Lyrael]

Sorry to all who responded that I haven't gotten back to. My vacation was wonderful and we told the in-laws that I was expecting.

Unfortunately, this Tuesday I had my second prenatal appointment, and the Peanut's heart had stopped beating. It was sad for me and for H, but thankfully he was with me when we got the news. I opted to let the m/c progress naturally at home with the help of a medication called Cytotec, so I was able to grieve in private. We buried the peanut close to her Great-Grandma Betty, in our family plot, and scattered flowers over the graves. The Peanut got baby's breath on her little place, and H scattered M &M's over Grandma's grave - she really liked them, and always gave them to H when he came over.

The whole process took two days, and H was there with me through all of it. I keep trying to be okay, and then I get all wacky and realize I am not okay. It's really hard to DB through grief. I am not doing so well at that, because I am so emotional right now.

I can't post without setting goals, so here are a few (for tomorrow's visit with H and my family):
1) No R talk. I am too emotional to be able to effectively handle that right now.
2) Try to enjoy myself and the day - we are going to the zoo in the morning, and then to my mom and dad's house for dinner.
3) Remember that I am going to feel sad, upset, angry, etc and try to recognise those emotions when they come up. The more I recognize and accept how I feel, the less I feel the need to act on those feelings.

Sometimes I forget that it takes time to get past sadness, anger, etc, and the loss of the Peanut IS going to take a while. Getting through this ultra-emotional time without damaging my relationship with my H is going to be hard. I can't spew emotions everywhere - I have to be emotionally responsible. I am responsible for the way I handle my pain.

More thoughts on how to responsibly handle grief and pain later...I need to think about it.

Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

An addendum to that:
I am also having a hard time because my life is transitioning from one of constant emotional upheaval and recurent crisis to a more quiet, peaceful, and normal one. My IC and I talked about that in my last session - it is uncomfortable to me, not terribly so, but enough to make me a bit on edge.

This is all in addition to the current grief I am going through - apparently I am having some sort of hormonal craziness as well, because I am staying up late and obsessively cleaning. That's VERY out of character for me. Tonight I took apart the fridge and it's shelves, cleaned it out, and scrubbed it down. Last night I rearranged and cleaned out my linen closet, finished cleaning my dining room, and did a bunch of laundry.

It's very weird - good for the house, I suppose, but very weird. It's honestly really hard for me to sleep - I just end up thinking about who this baby would have been, and what I could have done differently to have possibly avoided a miscarriage, etc. Right before bed is the only time those thoughts hit, and last night and tonight, since H has not been here, they hit just a bit harder.

Things are just hard right now.
Myrrh

[Briget]

Myrrh,

I'm so sorry for your loss.I lost my baby in my forth month 15 years ago and I still feel it from time to time.

It's ok that you feel the need to clean your house.i did the same thing.I think it is the nesting instint we go through. your body doesn't know that your baby didn't make it.

But remember to take care of yourself.You might feel up to cleaning but is your body healed enough to clean?

You need to take care of you right now.Dbing is good but right now you should put yourself first.

I know your heart broken and I wish I could take your pain away.

I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Later Friend.
Love,
Briget

[gonna_be_okay]

Oh Myrrh, I finally got over here and read of your news. I'm so very sorry about the miscarriage. I have had two myself and while it is more common than most people know, I know from those experiences that it is a real loss and real trauma. Oh, I am sorry and will think of you in the days to come.

You are right that any loss is bound up in previous losses and near misses....old wounds, new wounds, we grieve them all, every time. I'm glad you are aware of this. Give yourself space and time to be sad, away from the energy of DB'ing or piecing or whatever and the need to be on top of things. Time to mourn.

Sadly,
GBO

[Lyrael]

Thanks, GBO and Briget -
It's always good to hear from someone who has been there before. It is definitely no fun. I feel blessed that my son is two and healthy and full of life and energy. I know my body is capable of carrying a baby full-term, so someday I will be able to do it again.

So far my H has been incredibly sweet and understanding, so I haven't had to DB with him, because he seems to understand that I am sad. He also seconded your notion that the cleaning kick is probably the nesting instinct. I am trying to eat well, and I am hoping that sleeping will come more easily in the next few days. I can stay asleep once I get there, it's just hard to fall asleep.

I will have to take it a bit more easy, as I am going to work on Monday - early bedtime tonight! H and I have MC tomorrow morning at 11am - we keep forgetting what we are supposed to discuss between sessions - I think it is plands for our immediate future, so maybe we can talk a bit about that tonight (selling the house, etc, nothing R). I am helping H study some for his education class tonight, and that will probably be fun - we'll try to get some work done.

I am still doing my daily nap, just like i was when I was pregnant, and trying to take it easy - listening to music I like, watching movies with my S, doing fun things with family.

Last night we went to H's business partner's wedding, and I got all dolled up - it was at a car show, so there were lots of guys there, and a bunch "checked me out" or even smiled at me - that was kind of nice. I am really happy with my H and our relationship, and at this point, it's nice that things are solid enough between us so we can be there for each other. I need the time to be able to grieve.

It's always good to be reminded to take care of myself, because I tend to expect perfection from myself, and get frustrated when I can't deliver that.
Thanks, both of you,
Myrrh

[gonna_be_okay]

Myrrh, I'm glad to hear that your H is being understanding. Remember to keep taking the iron pills for awhile or at least eat iron-rich foods, okay? And lots of rest (I'm sure not easy with a 2-year-old).

GBO

[sage]

Myrrh -- I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby. I'm glad that h is being so supportive.

You wrote on my thread:

Your comment about being responsible for your H's pain, but not about how he chose to relieve it, really hit me. That is an incredible insight, and one that really helped me understand things even more.

AUGH! I just can't believe how helpful that one tiny statement is to me! Also, understanding deception and an affair as a reaction to pain is a perspective that will allow me to forgive more easily, without taking my or H's contributions to the problem out of the picture.

If you're interested in exploring more about the idea of how negative behaviors are a result of pain or fear I highly recommend "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky (book/audiotape). I find it very helpful in guiding me towards understanding and compassion for h (and others!). Note that it does have somewhat of a religious/God based bent -- not sure if that would be a + or - for you but I am not a practicing, well, anything and I did not find it impacted my ability to embrace the concepts.

I am also having a hard time because my life is transitioning from one of constant emotional upheaval and recurent crisis to a more quiet, peaceful, and normal one. My IC and I talked about that in my last session - it is uncomfortable to me, not terribly so, but enough to make me a bit on edge.

This resonated with me...I STILL find myself sometimes reeling (internally) from the calm...the absence of craziness and chaos in my life (which I used to provide on a daily basis). sometimes I feel it as a lack of passion (which is ok--just need to get to the place where I can feel passionate about calmness!) and other times I wonder -- how can I not be boring this man to tears without chaos? BUT, I'm not apparently

Sage

[love_endures4ever]

(((Myrrh)))),

As someone who has been there three times, I emphathize and feel your pain, more than you may imagine.

Cathy