The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

Sorry to all who responded that I haven't gotten back to. My vacation was wonderful and we told the in-laws that I was expecting.

Unfortunately, this Tuesday I had my second prenatal appointment, and the Peanut's heart had stopped beating. It was sad for me and for H, but thankfully he was with me when we got the news. I opted to let the m/c progress naturally at home with the help of a medication called Cytotec, so I was able to grieve in private. We buried the peanut close to her Great-Grandma Betty, in our family plot, and scattered flowers over the graves. The Peanut got baby's breath on her little place, and H scattered M &M's over Grandma's grave - she really liked them, and always gave them to H when he came over.

The whole process took two days, and H was there with me through all of it. I keep trying to be okay, and then I get all wacky and realize I am not okay. It's really hard to DB through grief. I am not doing so well at that, because I am so emotional right now.

I can't post without setting goals, so here are a few (for tomorrow's visit with H and my family):
1) No R talk. I am too emotional to be able to effectively handle that right now.
2) Try to enjoy myself and the day - we are going to the zoo in the morning, and then to my mom and dad's house for dinner.
3) Remember that I am going to feel sad, upset, angry, etc and try to recognise those emotions when they come up. The more I recognize and accept how I feel, the less I feel the need to act on those feelings.

Sometimes I forget that it takes time to get past sadness, anger, etc, and the loss of the Peanut IS going to take a while. Getting through this ultra-emotional time without damaging my relationship with my H is going to be hard. I can't spew emotions everywhere - I have to be emotionally responsible. I am responsible for the way I handle my pain.

More thoughts on how to responsibly handle grief and pain later...I need to think about it.

Hugs to all,
Myrrh