The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

Thanks, all - yesterday was a really rough day today, culminating in a dream I had about my H actually cheating, and me being devastated, but disappearing. In the dream, I survived. So after that, I finally feel somewhat better.

During a conversation H and I had last night, he asked if I was being this way because I was stressed out that he and I were getting along, and that we are going on vacation together, starting this weekend. I admitted that I was, and he said "just relax." And I said "I'm too scared you're going to do something weird." He said, "If I do, I do." And I said "I would be devastated by that."
His response was "So put yourself in a position where you wouldn't be devastated by that." That staement terrified me, but I think he was trying to point out that obsessively worrying about it wasn't going to do anything, and the best thing I could do was to take care of myself and just relax.

I had a great chat with my BB buddy TripleJ yesterday, and he helped clarify a lot of things for me. I still had a crappy day, but I was able to hold onto the fact that it would probably pass. I don't have any contact planned with H for today, and S and I are going to my mom's house tonight to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday. So I will have a chance to take a breather, and step back a little bit.

I keep reminding myself that progress forward in changing myself is going to be punctuated by brief steps back, and I need to take that in stride and keep working on moving forward.

I am really scared. I really am. I don't think that will go away immediately, but I am willing to be patient, work through it, and remain open to my H's attempts to build a new trust with me.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh