The New Thread...

[Lyrael]

Found this on a post by Rottz - I feel like this is how my H sees our R/M, although we didn't get married because I was pregnant, he was going to break things off with me after three months to move to Hawaii, closer to his older son. But the night he was going to tell me, I told him I was pregnant.

Here is Rottz' description of her H's sitch with his XW:

I was in an abusive R and he was in an abusive M. His wife trapped him by getting pregnant, after only dating a few weeks. He asked her to M him and hoped he would learn to love her. So, they never had a real R. She got pregnant once more when he asked for a D four years later. She went on fertility drugs in order to keep him. Three years later, we had become good friends and he asked her for a D.

Why am I telling you this? Because my H is the most amazing father to these kids. But he had to learn it. He resented them (a bit, although he is very ashamed and would never admit it outloud to anyone other than me) for changing his life. He spent 9 years with a bitter, hateful, controlling woman he never loved or had a friendship with because they were born.

So the question is, am I trapping this man because I am pregnant? Should I have considered an abortion to set him free? Is it my job to get a D for him? How can I make sure he isn't forced into another R with me?

Any input is appreciated. I feel like I have victimized my H.

Myrrh

[CMNM]

Good Lord, did someone open a big can of guilt and let it spill all over? If "honesty" was the theme a few weeks back, it can certainly be said that "guilt" is the new one.

Myrrh, did you get pregnant to trap your H? I doubt this. Things happen. I got pregnant with my son on the night my H came to "officially" break it off with me. We parted as friends, never to speak again. (O.K., so we got a little action in before the parting.... ) Anyway, about 8 weeks later I called to speak to him for the first time since he left me that night...to tell him I was pregnant. Do I feel like I trapped him? NO. He needed to know what was going on. It was his choice what to do with it all.
It would be horribly cruel to just "take care" of things and not let him have to make a tough decision.

Myrrh, the only way you can "victimize" your H would be to continue your R as is. You know that you need to change some things. You are doing that. The rest is up to him. Do not doubt his decision making capabilities. He is a big boy.

Settle down! Don't put feelings on your H that he may not have. You know that all of our sitches are different. This isn't a one size fits all. If you feel someone on the BB is a "kindred," I can understand that. But, to decide that your H feels a certain way because someone else's did...well, you're just not being rational.

Wooh. Did that sound harsh? I hope not. I just hate to see you beat yourself up.

[Lyrael]

Pam-
Nope, didn't come off as harsh at all - it came across as a caring friend who was correcting what was a somewhat irrational train of thought - since you're right, I can't know everything my H feels.

Yes, sometimes I do feel guilt. In neither case did I deliberately get pregnant to trap my H, and I guess with this current pregnancy, it would only be that way if I was insisting he move home and reconcile right away. I have not done that.

Instead, I am working away at my IC and our MC, trying to get a handle on myself and learn to control the expression of my feelings. The best thing is, I AM making progress. My IC pointed out to me that the progress I see as tiny and possibly unsatisfactory is, from her perspective, a huge leap forward. I am learning that my happiness is up to me, as is my calm. I am much more likely to journal my "freak-outs" or vent them here than I am to share them with my H.

I am glad I put the feelings out there, if only to get another perspective on them, Pam - it really helped me.

Love you bunches!
Myrrh

[CMNM]

Phew. I was worried about you!
You're hormonal, you're emotional. It's understandable. You're right- it is a good thing to vent here. Glad you did it.

Now, sista, get back to "being."
Deep breaths...relax!!!

Take Care of yourself, o.k?

XOXO,
Pam

[Lyrael]

Hee-hee-
yeah, it's fun learning to deal with my already over-the-top emotions in a mature, adult way, and then you add hormones to the mix...kind of an uphill battle sometimes, you know?

As for "being," I am starting a new evening ritual. The stupid old organ was taken off my front porch yesterday (long story on why it was there), so I think every evening after Salmost2 is in bed, I am going to make myself a cup of tea, spray myself with a little bug repellant, and go sit out there with my headphones on, just to soak up some peace and quiet from the outside.

Despite my crazy post, I was really relaxed last night, and H came over (after the Munchkin was already in bed) and brought pizza and a movie. We looked at the materials for his online summer courses, and then after he found out he couldn't log onto the website with the assignments, we went into our room to talk and hang out, and he got his usual head and neck rub. He is really sick (sore throat and cough) again, so I rubbed some Vicks on his chest, and we went to sleep. There was a little snuggling, although I woke up this morning on the other side of the bed with our S draped over my back, fast asleep. It was quiet, and things get quieter between him and I every day.

Sometimes I wonder if the growing peace is going to be what allows our feelings for each other to grow and heal again. I have done a lot of reframing of what's happened to us in these past months, and I think I better understand where I can trust, and where I need to be careful. I don't think infidelity is EVER right, but I understand better why and how it happened. Without that understanding, it just seems like some horrible, firghtening hurricane from above, with no warning, and nothing you can do. And that was truly frightening.

Things improve every day for me and my family - slowly and by degrees. My H and I are building a solid friendship, with occasional romance thrown in, and that is definitely something we can build on.

Hugs,
Myrrh

[sage]

Things improve every day for me and my family - slowly and by degrees. My H and I are building a solid friendship, with occasional romance thrown in, and that is definitely something we can build on.

Sounds like you're onto something, Myrrh.

Sage

[Lyrael]

Okay, here is a short list of things NOT to do when you start having those fears that things are going to go South again (translation: when you're freaking out for no reason and wonder if you can ever truft your H again):
1) Obsessively try to get in touch with your spouse. (No, I didn't do that - I called home and his work exactly twice. He was asleep at home when I left, and I think that's where he still is, probably.)
2) Be irritable and angry when you talk to him.
3) Visit the website www.gloryb.com - it's a forum for other women to post their stories.

I know some of the rest of you that have had experiences with infidelity know that the fear can come out of nowhere sometimes and just paralyze you. I am having one of those episodes right now, and trying to hold it together. I am going to find something to do to get my mind off of it.

Myrrh

[slowly]

Hi Myrrh - I have been there, sista The worrying, the anguish. Letting go the fear was the most difficult thing, and I still have relapses. But it does get better with time, I promise. Especially if H is spending more time with you, building a new kind of trust. Slowly.

ps. hope the hormones are settling somewhat

[Lyrael]

Thanks, all - yesterday was a really rough day today, culminating in a dream I had about my H actually cheating, and me being devastated, but disappearing. In the dream, I survived. So after that, I finally feel somewhat better.

During a conversation H and I had last night, he asked if I was being this way because I was stressed out that he and I were getting along, and that we are going on vacation together, starting this weekend. I admitted that I was, and he said "just relax." And I said "I'm too scared you're going to do something weird." He said, "If I do, I do." And I said "I would be devastated by that."
His response was "So put yourself in a position where you wouldn't be devastated by that." That staement terrified me, but I think he was trying to point out that obsessively worrying about it wasn't going to do anything, and the best thing I could do was to take care of myself and just relax.

I had a great chat with my BB buddy TripleJ yesterday, and he helped clarify a lot of things for me. I still had a crappy day, but I was able to hold onto the fact that it would probably pass. I don't have any contact planned with H for today, and S and I are going to my mom's house tonight to celebrate her birthday that was yesterday. So I will have a chance to take a breather, and step back a little bit.

I keep reminding myself that progress forward in changing myself is going to be punctuated by brief steps back, and I need to take that in stride and keep working on moving forward.

I am really scared. I really am. I don't think that will go away immediately, but I am willing to be patient, work through it, and remain open to my H's attempts to build a new trust with me.
Hugs to all,
Myrrh

[Lyrael]

I have some new goals to put out there:
1) Get my hair trimmed.
2) Start taking some time with my hair and makeup.
3) Dress a little sexier.
4) Try to grow out my nails.

Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't be sexy, right?

Myrrh