There is somewhere in the stages where it states that they will be tested on the different things that they did while in replay. That you can not make the choice for them, but that they will have to face them and walk away from them. If they do not walk away from them, they will have to go through it until they do.
The alcohol and the OW seem to be his two big major obstacles. That is why you need to get on your knees because you can not discuss these two things with him. The reason you don't feel anything about it is simply because you expect it. What is anyone's reaction to something that they expect is going to happen. No big deal, I knew it was going to happen. That is also God's way of protecting you sometimes too.
Now, I want you to go back to a time where you were doing something that you could just not stop yourself from doing it. I want you to think about how you felt during that time about the addiction, how you felt when someone would tell you that what you were doing was wrong, how you felt when you were around the people that told you to stop and you didn't and so on. I want you to put yourself there so that you get the full understanding of what he is trying to battle at this point.
Did you not lash out at the people that you loved because you new what you were doing was wrong and you knew that the knew? Did you not get upset with them when they would bring your wrongs to the forefront to make sure that you knew that they knew? Didn't it feel like they were rubbing your nose in the situation? So what did you try to do, but to avoid them because you couldn't face them.
This is what he is going through right now. Every time that he gets tempted and falls off the wagon, he has to face all of those hurts and fears and I bet you any money, your face and your son's face come up in his face even though you are not there.
Do you honestly think that the Lord is going to sit by and let him do this without disciplining him? I think not. He is running because he is guilty and afraid. You have changed in many ways and he doesn't know how to communicate with you anymore because you see right through him. Although, you are not judging him, he judges himself every time he faces you or his son. Also, you are being tested to see if you still have faith in the Lord. Which, I know that you do and you know that you do.
You are not taking it to heart because it is not your cross to bear. It is his cross to bear and until he repents and stops what he is doing, he will continue to carry it and everything that goes along with it.
That is why it is so important for you right now to be praying for him continually and fasting if you are led to do so. You are standing in the gap for him. He just doesn't realize how much you are doing for him in the spiritual part yet, but one day he will know when he is ready.
WOW Laurie! Your posts are so full of widsom and strength. {{{{Vinlad}}}}
Thank you for sharing with so many.
You said:
Quote: That is why it is so important for you right now to be praying for him continually and fasting if you are led to do so.
Can I ask for some clarification on fasting? I read that in the book, Prodigals Do Come Home But it really didn't describe what that meant. I am thinking of a cleansing process? I would like to understand this more.
This is the information that I have found about fasting and there is more. I didn't understand the reasoning for the fasting, but I knew that I was called to do this several different times and it did make a difference in each case.
Seven Reasons for Fasting
For moving mountains! “…you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you…except by prayer and fasting.”
For humbling yourself. Since we know that “He has brought down rulers from their thrones, And has exalted those who were humble.” Luke 1:52. “Is it a fast like this which I choose, a day for a man to humble himself?”
For making yourself acceptable to the Lord. “ Will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to the LORD?”
For loosening the bonds of wickedness!
For letting the oppressed go free and breaking every yoke!
For seeking God. “Then I proclaimed a fast there…that we might humble ourselves before our God to seek from Him…”
For favor when meeting with your spouse. “…do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way…and if I perish, I perish.”
Additional Benefits
Benefit Number One: Gaining Control over your Mouth! My main reason for fasting when Dan was gone was to get my mouth under control! I did not have a gentle or quiet spirit (or for you men “meekness”) until I began fasting. For those who have written with this same problem I have written back:
“Fast, fast, fast! This will make you too weak to say or do anything!!!” “You must work on your mouth! Don't add your comments!! Stop trying to do the work of the Holy Spirit. Remember "won without a word!" Try fasting. That's what worked for me. I was too weak to say anything, all I could do was smile !
Benefit Number Two: Killing the Flesh and Strengthening Your Spirit! Fasting is the BEST way to prepare yourself for marriage restoration since it strengthens your spiritual man, while at the same time, killing the flesh!
Benefit Number Three: Weight Loss When you are in the process of trusting God to restore your marriage, you usually have a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is the best time to begin fasting - even if you've tried it before without success. And many of you will welcome the added benefit of weight loss! Just read what this sweet lady wrote and shared with us:
“Because of fasting, I've lost 70 pounds since last August!!! (about an 11 month period) How's that for God's amazing grace? I've not been this weight in 15 years, and while I still have 15 pounds to go (I guess I'll have to get rid of those next year), this is the weight I was at in high school! God is so goooood!!!! I had three people last week who didn't recognize me...and I know that's as much a spiritual change in my countenance as my weight loss. I am a strong believer in fasting.
More Important Information on Fasting
Fasting is mentioned many times in the Bible. The scriptures that are found below are those that we refer to the most and are the ones that God led me to when I was believing God to restore my marriage to Dan.
Matt. 17:19-21 “Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you. “But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”
Isa. 58:5-6 “Is it a fast like this which I choose, a day for a man to humble himself? Is it for bowing one’s head like a reed, And for spreading out sackcloth and ashes as a bed? Will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to the LORD? Is this not the fast which I choose, To loosen the bonds of wickedness, To undo the bands of the yoke, And to let the oppressed go free, And break every yoke?”
Esth. 4:16 “Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.”
Ezra 8:21 “Then I proclaimed a fast there at the river of Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God to seek from Him a safe journey for us, our little ones, and all our possessions.”
Ps. 35:13 “But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth; I humbled my soul with fasting; And my prayer kept returning to my bosom.”
Now when I fast, I do drink water, but I don't eat.
and if you go to the home page of the American Natural Health Assocation you can learn more about their approach to health.
I once fasted for ten days - only water - and it felt great, but it is recommended that you only fast for longer than a couple of days under qualified and experienced supervision.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H showed about before 8 am yesterday morning which was early, came in a like a storm saying something like he was going to do something with S, but it was supposed to rain. I was in the kitchen kneeling on the floor talking to S when S decided to run and hide. Said hi to H. H didn’t say a word about where he was, but I know he was drinking somewhere.
H started questioning me on what I was doing Sunday. I said S and I were thinking about going to a baseball game, H said it’s supposed to rain. We kind of hung out like it was a normal Sunday morning, well whatever normal is these days. H asked if I bought the paper I hadn’t, but went down to get one while H was in the bathroom....a sign (from above ) that’s he has been drinking.
Son had some mosquito bites from the night before and H said “why didn’t you put spray on him” to which I said I did, but they are bad this year. Then he asked if they were biting me…like I protected myself and not my S. H is so critical and told me I was a “bad” mom. I said do not say that I am a bad mom, the word “bad” is all encompassing. It really doesn’t bother me a whole lot, as I know I’m NOT a bad mom. I just don’t want our S to hear stuff like that.
Came back, ate breakfast at the counter. H said something about going to Bass Pro, a two hour drive, let’s go now!! I said I was going to do the treadmill could we please wait. H said no, then we’re not going then. Said he didn’t want to wait if we didn’t go NOW we weren’t going, blah, blah. So I said oh well and went and pounded the treadmill.
So I did that came up and H said are you ready? I said “yeah can I go like this, sweaty (especially my shirt with bad hair” and I just smiled a big old smile!!! H just looked at me and I went to get ready.
H just tries and tries to push my buttons, doesn’t realize they don’t work anymore. Laurie is this what you mean “that I can see right through H?" H was all "over the board" yesterday morning, it was like watching a tornado...up in the air, then down on the ground trying to destruct to keep from self-destructing. I think H knows he's out of control, but can't figure out how to stop himself.
On our drive H had asked if I had used my golf pass for a course near our house yet. I said no, I can never find anyone to golf with to which H said "what about me?" I was a little surprised, then H said something about "if you don’t start doing things with ME, then I’ll go to OW"..oh yeah big threat. I said I’d really like to go with you, I didn’t think you wanted to go, and I like going with him as he can help me with my game. H wants to do something with me...hmmmmm.
H then brought up the weekend we didn’t go up north. Saying that he didn’t HAVE to work that Saturday…WHAT THE? That I didn’t want to go, I change my mind, blah, blah. WHAT THE?
When we got back we cooked out, H stopped and bought groceries, as in decent buns for our brats. We had a nice evening together too.
When we got home, H couldn’t find his cell phone. He was trying to accuse me of “doing something with it” I said the last time I saw it was when you had in the cup holder and then moved it to put your soda in the cup holder. So H was all in a panic, I came in the house, thought too bad if you lost it. BESIDES, he could have used mine, switched the number over, I wasn’t worried. Well he DID find it and I just said “hallalejuh.” You would have thought he’d lost a million dollars.
Quote: re-establishing connections happens before unwanted links are discarded. It's like they need to shore up their support base before breaking free from OWs.
Slowly posted this to Pattie. I found it very enlightening as I believe this is WHAT H is doing.
Quote: I was a little surprised, then H said something about "if you don’t start doing things with ME, then I’ll go to OW
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Quality time is his love language. He needs to feel like you want to do things with him. (Making him wait while you did the treadmill was NOT a way of showing him you wanted to spend time with him, btw.) He's practically begging you to spend time with him. What can you do to speak this love language to him and make him feel more wanted?
H sharing this with me was BIG Ellie, you are right he does want me to do things with him EXCEPT he's never come right out and said it. It's all so confusing, he pushes me away yet wants me to come close. Maybe we're dancing to closely...and I expect him to always lead.
I really had to think about doing the treadmill. But, it was one of those times when I NEEDED to be on the treadmill...I mean for MY peace of mind. Otherwise, I would have been "edgy" all day, I know myself well.
Ya gotta remember this is the same guy who didn't come home the night before, who I had no idea when to expect and then to have H demand I get ready NOW or we weren't going. I know, I know...but a little bit of the ME came out.
If I come right out and ask him to do something with me, his automatic response is "no". Actually in thinking about this he did say to me one time that "OW would have had everything planned and taken care of" which was hard to hear. Me thinking "yeah I suppose" she doesn't have any children or other responsibilities either.
Maybe I need to to take the lead, make the arrangements and then ask H on a date or to do something. I know he complained about this prebomb. That he always made the plans.
Quote: What can you do to speak this love language to him and make him feel more wanted?
It's all in the approach I guess and will have to do some pondering...
Do I pass up my family/his family events? Seems like when I have one of these to go to, is when he disappears. How do I do that? I have events, activities throughout the summer that I'd like him to come with me to, but if he says no do I not go? He already told me we weren't going to his company picnic this year, which is fine. I would like to go to mine though.
Thanks Ellie, even though people have been hitting me over the head with this info, and now my H has finally come out and SAID the words, maybe I'm finally getting it.
Cathy, Do you have to go to all these events? Or are you planning on going so you can fill your time up? I'm not whacking you! Just asking if you have plans so that in the event H isn't around you will be busy?
I understand the "if you aren't ready now, we don't go". Have heard that before!!! I've often wondered if that attitude of his was so he wouldn't change his mind. I now think it's just a part of what he is feeling. Like go now before ow calls & I'm stuck.
I do know that in the past, I've made nice plans and H has not shown up. It's really hard to figure out! Hang in there.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
!
) that’s he has been drinking. 
H just looked at me and I went to get ready. 
