Was going to email you this morning, but as always you know when I need you. Funny, I read your post and am thinking I'm headed that way, your way, the Lords way. I feel this new strength today, seeing these little lighbulbs going off. You're putting into words what my jumbled thoughts have been trying to make sense out of.
You are so right and believe it or not I was thinking the exact thoughts this morning.
Quote: There is nothing and I mean nothing that you can do about what he is doing. About the only way that you are going to stop this completely from happening is for you to walk away from him totally and completely. I know that isn't what you want to do because if it was, you would have done that by now. You have had plenty of good reason too.
It would be easier if he wasn’t AT home, but it would be the only difference. At this point I don't want to put him out either. Even if he was out, the only difference would be that: he wouldn't be living with us--I'd be back to where I was last summer.
Quote: I realized the pressure that I was putting on my husband for the first time without even trying to. I was counting on my husband to make the right move in order to make me feel better and more secure about our situation. How can my husband do that when he is not even secure within himself? The Lord showed me that my trust, faith, love all needs to be in him. He gave me this picture of him always walking right by my side wherever I go. So now when Satan tries to come at me, I close my eyes and I picture the Lord right by my side walking and talking with me.
I'm beginning to think that any cards, an expectations are a big no-no.
Quote: If you look at it, you go back and forth as much as he does because of his modes. I did the same thing. I did the exact same thing because my emotions were and are tied into his. That is what the Lord was showing me, that I had to be more consistant. I had to stop allowing his emotions to decide my emotions.
Yep, I do do this don’t I. He pulls closer, I come in..H backs off and then my reaction is to back off. It started becoming clear to me last night and this morning, that I’m the ride with H. It’s when I feel things are going along good, thinking I see improvements, start feeling things “might” be changing and than “bam, reality check” nothing has changed. BUT, I do see changes, what do I do with those ignore them? Not read anything into them I guess. Maybe just be happy that H is trying to change himself, not for me, but for himself and to not "read" anything into anything he does or doesn't do.
Laure, you've given me lots to think about, lots to process, even though I feel like I'm starting to "get it" something or someone's poking me anyway.
It's like H is drowning and wants me to help him except I CAN'T swim so I think I'm helping, but then he keeps pulling me down with him. Well how silly of me thinking I can save him. I need to get out of the water, get a rope wait for H to signal that he's tired, that he's giving up that he wants my help.
I think I know where I need to turn and Who can help me the most and Who will always be there. The man upstairs.
It is HARD, and I struggle with it too. H is living at home and it's just so very hard some days especially when you put the emotions in there.
Like just now, I spoke with H and he sounded like he wanted to go up North this weekend, with me. Geez...he knows I'm busy, have plans or maybe it was just an excuse to call me. So it's in one ear and out the other.
I was talking about a prescription I had picked up for S last night and he made it sound like they were pills for me. I was on AD's and H knew it, they were more for my anxiety, and I went off them over a month ago. Told H I didn't need them anymore. He needs me, I can be his friend, but that's it for now.
I've spoke with H FOUR times today and missed ONE call from H.
H is looking for me to save him, I can feel it, I can see it, except there's nothing I can do for him at this point. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, H needs to figure this out himself, for himself.
I need to step back and take care of Me. Watch the show from the curb and focus on the Lord.
Thank you for your kind words, you're insightful post.
Quote: Your H goes to the OW when he is drunk so he can avoid facing you at his lowest and weakest form. He is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn't want to subject you or S to it.
To be very honest, I DO NOT want him home when he's like this, nor do I want S to see his dad drunk! So it is a blessing in disguise, the Lord is watching over us. So I need to remind myself of this and just accept the fact that OW/alcohol are one and the same.
I'm scrapping like crazy to get this book done by tomorrow I work better under pressure, when I know I have to get something done.
It's very basic scrapbooking. My goal is to do my Son's and H's pictures...but it's overwhelming.
Sounds like things are going great for you and H! I hope you have great weekend. It's going to rain here most of it!!
Cathy, Is it possible for you to love your H as he is right now... warts and all, loving when he is home? I know that is a huge thing to ask or even consider. But how much do we miss out when we put conditions on our love... not that you are, because you are being a saint, but I have been reading a book that gave me something to think about.
Can you let go of the expectations, stop tryng to fix him and just love him as he is?
I only ask because reading Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, they talk about taking the conditions off the love that we give for each other. She says if we measure the love received, we will always feel shortchanged. When you feel unloved, it is not because you are not receiving love, it is because you are withholding love.
This kind of took my breath away... cause I definitely feel like I am withholding love. Granted, right now it is for my own self preservation. But can I love my H for who he is right now? I really don't like the person he is right now. So, how to love him?
Another tough question, that is for sure. She said you cannot close your heart to that person. That the answer should never be to withhold love until they shape up. Am I doing that? And yet is showing love pursuing him? How about being loving when I see him, trying hard to be nonjudgemental... ugh. This is hard.
She says "if you love them in spite of what they did, you will see changes, you will see all the power of the universe unleashed. You will see their hearts melt open."
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Can you let go of the expectations, stop tryng to fix him and just love him as he is?
I think I am loving him as he is, the best that I can at this point. I don't think I have any expectations at this point, do I? Maybe...is wanting H to quit seeing OW an expectation? Is wanting H to quit drinking an expectation? Becuase I would like this and don't know if I can live like this forever.
As for as doing things for me, well I think I've let go of any expectations. When he wouldn't even acknowledge my birthday nor did he give me a card...maybe that's an expectation? My freinds give me cards, acknowledge my birthday, my family. I don't know., eventually H did acknowledge it.
A few have suggested that the reason he goes to OW's after he's been drinking is becuase H doesn't feel like I want him here? oh myyyy....I think a light bulb came on. I've been so busy condeming H for drinking and then going to OW, and that might just be the reason he does go to OW. My expectation is for him to be sober. My H knows that I think he has a drinking problem, OW could probably care less. Do I just back completely off from the "drinking" problem thing, accept H drunkness and all...for now. At this point I believe he's better off here even when drunk or maybe I just want him here no matter what.
I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I'm wondering if there is a way for H to feel safe coming home after he's been drinking, rather than going to OW's? Or is it plain and simple OW and he wants to be with OW after he's been drinking?
Like Thursday night when he was at his bar, I usually do go that way after work and didn't that night. BUT, if I would have drove by and saw his truck, would it have made a difference if I would have stopped and had a drink with H? Would that have been what he needed from me in order to come home? When he's not home by a certain time do I go out and find H? I've been leaving him alone and not bothering him, but I wonder if maybe I should go to him when I feel he's drinking somewhere? OR, am I better off leaving him to himself?
I know the time when OW did track him down at a bar and H told me this, he said to me "did you come looking?" and I said of course not.
First and foremost, all these questions should be taken to the Lord and have him answer them for you. Second, get in that prayer closest and start talking with the Lord about your concerns and not to your husband.
Just treat your husband with uncoditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and without judgement. Stop asking him about his drinking and all that. Take it all to the Lord and let it go. The more you try to figure out what you should do in order to help your husband, the more confused and burdened you are going to become.
All these issues, are his to work out and there nothing and I mean nothing that is going to get him to come around until his eyes are opened. The best way for his eyes to be opened is for the Lord to do it. What happens with you when the Lord shows you something in yourself that needs to be changed? Does he have to use other people or does he show you through other ways as well?
The one thing you have to remember, is that the Lord has all things under control. Yes, these things bother you and I understand why. You love your husband and don't want to see him get hurt or anything like that. You can see the damage that it is doing to him and so on; but he has to see it in order to change it. Any harpering or pointing out that you do, only makes him become defensive. If you try to find him or do the things that the OW did, he will take it as you spying on him, checking up on him and not trusting him. Not to mention the fact, that satan can use it as a means to hurt you and send you backwards.
The best thing that you can do for your husband during these times is pray for him. Then let the Lord do the rest. Your prayers do more for him then anything else. Let the Lord lead you as to what you should or should not do. Don't try to do this in your own strength or in your own way. I found out for myself, that every time I try to handle the situation or do what I think is the right thing to do, things seem to get worse, but when I turn it all over to the Lord and stop trying to fix, control or manipulate the situation for my benefit, things seem to change on their own.
Satan is making you second guess yourself and causing this confusion that you are going through. He will continue as long as he knows that he can. Stand firm in what you have been shown and what you know to be the truth.
You are not doing things wrong and you are not going down the wrong path. You are doing things as the Lord has directed you and you are getting scared because of circumstances. Get your eyes off the circumstances and put them back where you had them. Don't doubt yourself and don't, especially, doubt the Lord.
Write down all the scriptures that you have been given by the Lord and read them every time these doubts start coming into your head or you start to question what you are doing.
I am moving towards the Lord for the answers to my questions. Thank you for your thoughts, I will absorb them and process. I am getting confused, but Laurie you are making sense.
Wanted to give an update. Last night was niece's graduation, I was close to tears during some of the ceremony. Not quite sure why. After the ceremony we all went out to eat to a place where you had to cook your own meat. It was great fun. MY SIL singed some of her hair at the grill.
Got home H and S were still up. H wasn't very talkative, at one point he did ask who was all there. It was kind of late so we all got ready for bed and went to sleep.
H is and has been sleeping in our bed for the about the last two weeks.
Got up this morning, finished niece's scrapbook! H ran to the store, bought some oil for his truck. H also bought some toiletpaper and shower gel. H hasn't bought this kind of stuff in months. When I thanked him for buying it he made a big deal out of it, like how did I know he had bought some more TP. Sounds silly, but it's H's way of saying he's sorry..or maybe more my perception.
For the most part we just went about our business today. I was downstairs was finishing up the scrapbook, watching the LPGA, those women are awesome...love the clothes. H came down and I handed him the scrapbook which he accepted, said "it's finished?" and I said yep. H looked through it. This is a first, normally H could care less. We then talked about my golf game for a bit and both went upstairs.
S woke up from his nap, we got ready to go to niece's party. H was not interested in going, S and I had a great time.
Got home about 8ish and no H, still no H. Might be another one of those nights.
Oh well...I've got lot of reading material and lots to talk to the man upstairs about.
Quote: you are getting scared becuase of circumstances
The circumstances are a chang'n. H DID NOT come home AGAIN last night. I am detached, what can I do anyway?, a little WHAT THE. More confused then anything. It doesn't really even hurt, but I just don't get it. I know it's NOT for me to get either, but WHAT THE, ya know.
H must be dealing with something BIG. I do not know this man anymore.
Oh well, I'll be here this morning. It's cloudy and overcast probably more rain. Wanted to take S4 to a baseball game today, might not be able to now. If H shows up maybe I should go somewhere.
This has just been the most weird week. I've got this Jeckyl/Hyde living here.
I work better under pressure, when I know I have to get something done.
