I'm baackk.. Was thinking. Is H doing this to hurt me? Does he even think about my feelings?
I can't believe H is happy living his life the way he is..I mean is he? The back and forth the back and forth, the drinking.
I think I've had my head in the sand for the last month. Thought H's drinking was getting better, but I think I'm wrong. I guess it doesn't matter if he drinks once a month every month, twice a month every month he still has a drinking problem doesn't he?
H needs help and I don't think it's going to matter what I do or say to make H feel more secure, it's just not going to matter. I think it sends him to the bottle quite frankly when I do try to make him feel more secure. When I get too close. H is afraid of something. Something is scaring H and he's using OW. He's using OW becuase he thinks it's all he deserves? She doesn't know H like I do, at least I'm assuming she doesn't so how can she know the depth of his problems? He** it took me this long to figure it out myself or should I to finally see it and accept it.
What I had with H wasn't really love, it was a superficial kind of love, having H in my life gave me comfort. I didn't want to have to deal with any problems, any issues, any of H's problems, or even pay attention to H. I just wanted a "man" "someone" in my life and H used to say that to me on occasion. My H is much deeper and smarter than he lets on..he just doesn't show that side of himself too often.
After he left, he said you don't really want me you're just don't like it that you got left. And he was right, it was more that he left me and that I wasn't going to have "somebody" that scared me the most. I didn't know you were supposed to work at a marriage, that you had to do anything to make it work..duhhhh. I even said that to H "do you know to work at a marriage because I sure didn't.
