Okay, I'm beginning to think H won't be here tonight.

I have no clue where he is what he's up to. I'm ASSuming drinking, but not for sure. And then at OW's. If he drinks and then ends up at OW's I wonder how he acts with OW? I know when is drunk, he can get ugly. Except when he's drinking with this buddies then he tends to be "normal" with them, but the minute I see him...bammm. If he's really drunk he takes his clothes off, blacks out and doens't remember things.

Maybe I'm just looking for a little comfort in that when he does end up at OW's that he's not nice to her either? And why does she keep taking him in as a drunk. Why does she want him? This is the part that I can't quiet understand, but then who knows what H is telling her about his homelife.

I'm having a hard time myself wanting him and wonder if OW is just that desparate.

If H is drinking, it's picking up again. He wasn't feeling well most of last week, which is why he wasn't drinking. This is when I was seeing this new side of H, this fun, flirty side of H.

Now he's off again drinking. Does H feel awful? Does he feel worse than I feel? I have the Lord, but I still have hard times at night.

I'll probably be up for awhile. Need to finish my niece's scrapbook that needs to be done by Saturday I'll try not to go to bed too early, less chance of waking up at 1 or 2 am which is the worst.

Ellie--can't text message and the phones are in H's name. Then OW will be able to text him too!! don't want that, but maybe she doesn't have since H doesn't have it.

He's steps forward,then back, forward then back. Two weeks is about the longest now. At this rate it's going to take years!!

Does the back and forth eat at him more than it eats at me? How can HE live with himself? Or maybe he's not thinking at this point and doesn't care either way. I just can't imagine being him and being able to look at myself in the mirror OR even be in my own skin. I do remember having that kind of feeling years ago..like I just wanted to run away..and I mean literally...just wanted to go out and run. This was when I was drinking back in my 20's. The way I acted when I was drunk was embarassing, I was pretty friendly and did end up with guys that I wouldn't have look at twice when sober, and hated myself the next day. I thank God I grew out of that, so many people don't...my H.

Cathy